The Salt-N-Pepa Show Ep. 1: "I performed in a church-- you owe me!"

So, our girls Salt and Pepa (who I may at times refer to as Cheryl and Sandy), apparently split up like Jennifer Lopez and fill in the blank. Gone are the biker shorts, hot red lipstick and that bangin’ short cut. Cheryl traded that in for a nice, sky blue cable knit sweater and became a good, reborn Christian wife and mother, while Sandy is living out this “How Stella Got Her Groove Back” fantasy... except she is still searching for a career, money, a man, etc. She might still wear her 80's clothes to bed for good luck, sh*t, who knows? What killed me is that at the top of the ep, she says something like, “I’m still the same person, I’ve never changed.” Now what the editors should’ve done at this point was zoom in to a close-up of her new Caucausoid-flavored schnoz. I mean... she didn’t OD or anything like that (it’s kind of tasteful, as far as plastic surgery goes), but I gotta call a spade, a spade. It does, however, take away some of that “I-am-Black-she-woman-Worship-Me!”-ness that I grew to love about’cha, though.

I know that most of you have peeped this clip where Salt and Pep are propositioned with performing at Shaq’s birthday party (that’s how you can tell this was earlier in the year). For those of you who haven’t, here it is, onemo’gin:

Pep... seriously, ma, who you foolin’? I heard this song for the first time when I was very young and even then I knew that to “push it” was to do something very, very naughty. Fun, but naughty. Drop the innocence. Did anyone REALLY think they were talking about simply dancing?

But if you didn’t catch the ep last night, you missed out on some vital points. In this scene, Cheryl tells Sandy that she just couldn’t let Pep ride on her money train anymore, or something like that. (Personally, I felt Salt was the better lyricist anyway...). But then she admits to herâ€" and us at homeâ€" that she was bulimic. Whoa. Not to make fun of that disorder, but she basically told this girl who was supposed to be her ace boon for years that she was making her sick to her stomach! Worse, Pep MADE Salt make HERSELF sick to her stomach! I’ve had some bytches say some wild ish to me back in my day... but never something like that. I don’t know if I could’ve been as stoic as Sandy was, who merely just raised an eyebrow, The Rockâ€"style.

I'm reaaaaally hoping that a reassuring embrace was edited out. I refuse to belive that Pep's that self-centered and cold.

Furthermore, didn’t Salt look like she was thisclose to tears in the entire episode? I hope she overcame her eating disorder. Even more, I hope she doesn’t suffer from depression. It seems like Pep's gonna trigger a whole bunch of panic attacks for our girl this season. Someone prescribe her some Zoloft-- no bullsh*t, it works wonders!

So, for Shaq’s party, they decided to perform “Whatta Man”. They had to change some of the words fit their (read: Salt) current tastes/interests. But yo.... “a body like Barack with a Denzel face?!”

Hmm... never looked at him that way. Ladies, you might be on to something... Consensus on Obama, girls? Would you hit it or quit it?

I know all y’all want to talk about how Pep got her “one last hurrah” hooch act on by giving that beastin’ guy a faux blow-job. Salt definitely pulled her to the side and let her know she wasn’t feelin’ it. I mean, can you blame her? Cheryl probably just made president of the PTA, and she's not gonna let a potential bad photo on Page Six f*ck her surburbian sh*t up. She's in charge of the next bake sale, for goodness sakes! I say... if it were Rihanna, or Lil’ Kim, or, Janet Jackson, of course, I’d roll a nonchalant eye. But this... this is pathetic in so many ways. I would probably scoop her off her knees, too. I wouldn’t let you go out like that, Pep.

But the Shaq performance got cancelled (really, Salt? You sure you didn't have a hand in that?) and now Salt wants them to perform at her church, to which Pep grudgingly agrees to. SHOUT OUT TO MY CHURCH, Christian Cultural Center and Pastor A.R. Bernard! (But I wasn’t in attendance the day this filmed... shows you how often I attend services.) ::turns red::

So... the ladies flipped it and did “Whatta Man” at the church... but the Man they’re giving props to died for our sins, not helped us revel in them with long episodes of enjoyable fornication. I can dig it!

My only complaint with this show so far is that it should be an hour long. Cut that alligator head New York’s show in half and extend this one!

Quote of the Day:

Pep: “I performed in a churchâ€" you owe me!”

For Cheryl's sake, I pray that Pep doesn't plan on making her "pay her debt" to her at a male strip club or something... because Salt might have a nervous breakdown.

Question: Why do I feel the need to state that I'm not dissing Salt's current beliefs? Oh yeah, cuz y'all n*ggaz LOVE to curse me out! Sorry if I ruined your hate-on-Breezy post today by clearing that up.

Next week: Salt helps Pepa find a good man... why do I not see this going well? Will Treach make a special appearance to beat down the n*gga that blows out the back of his baby-moms? We’ll see!

What y'all think about what you've seen of the show so far? Holla @tcha girl!

WHO LOVES YA, BABY?
-- Breezy

By the way... I never said I didn't like Rich Boy OR that I wasn't feeling the track. Selective blindness rears its ugly head.