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I Love New York: Palm's Pilots
Posted on March 13, 2007 10:25 AM
Who is this flight attendant broad VH1 got on this shit?
Anyway... In last night’s installment of “I Love New York,” Pollard Playalistic pairs her picones up for pimpin and putting in Palm Springs. The Final Four brackets of Real vs. Tango and Chance vs. Whiteboy proved perilous…
Alright, enough with the alliteration. Let’s sample the stooch.
Dammit!
Much like Duke defenders on Tyler Hansbrough, Real came out swinging this episode. I can’t believe I didn’t think of calling Tango the Wango a Ninja Turtle myself! He even got the right one. Tango is about a Donatello-lookin mawfucka, ain’t he?
Only compounding my laughter at his expense is the fact that for the third episode in a row, this man has boldly attempted to land a word he obviously can’t pronounce. In which case, I think he’s gonna be "sissemaaaaacly" broken down because he’s soft as Ralph Tresvant under that half-shell.
Now that I think about it, the Turtles’ shells were cleaner than Tango’s gear, even living in the sewer.
New York makes sure that Horseface and Shoulder Lean would be embarrassed on the golf course long before they would wield their clubs. Why you’d let that leather Muppet drive a vehicle of any kind is beyond me. After almost killing the trio trying to navigate a winding road downhill at approximately 12 miles per hour, she manages to head-on collide with a parked car as they arrive at the fairway.
I immediately bore that innate embarrassment that surfaces when I can observe my people being completely niggerish in a completely nigger-less environment. For example, last weekend I took my little brother, Ricky Mexico, to a swanky bar downtown. This nigga gon have the nerve to ask the bartender for a glass and ice. What the fuck you think they think when you ask for a glass and ice?
*sigh* Negroes these days.
Real and Tango Woods didn’t help their cases when they swung at those stationary balls like them grown-ass touchdowns at Chuck E. Cheese. (I know you be seein them on their little field trips from the home.) Fuck the fluke putt Real sank by the grace of Buddha, the only thing more retarded was how Real was able to survive calling this man Stewart, the Good Negro Caddy. Jesus, I would have ripped out a braid or two. Fuck the dumb shit.
At first I didn’t see how Real and Chance could be related. I see now the ‘tardo doesn’t fall too far from the high chair.
As they reconvened for dinner, New York stepped out of them shadows looking like a Channel 35 Robin Byrd shemale. (Don’t act like you ain’t been caught out there with the 3AM “stooch surprise.”) Then she had the nerve to come out her face and say she’s “enough woman to go around this table 85 times.” What kind of tired ho shit is that to be sayin out loud?!
Snitchin-ass Wango tried to go to the ear one more time and it backfired miserably. How you drop the L-bomb and still get put on the back burner? How you let Real’s drunk ass sit there and affront your very manhood? That was a pretty pathetic display on Wango’s part. Neither of those qualify as "good looks."
With that said, if Real wants to help his rap career by being on television he’d better tone down this new Jim Carrey side he’s showing. Not like anyone was going to take him seriously after this shit was over anyway, but damn… now his only hope is to come up with a “Hallelujah, Hollerback!” or some shit.
Back at private sexy time, knowing New York is curious about "where [his] head is at," Real lays down his smoothest Colt-45 conversation game.
Real: Whenever I say anyone’s beautiful, I’m talking to them as a hole.NY: Huh?
Real: A hole. You’re a hole to me, baby.
NY: Oh. *keeps drinking*
Real: What’s in you is in me… and I wanna put it back in you. How’s that sound?
NY: What?
Real: Yeah.
You blame the Hennessey for a night like this.
The next day, it was duck juice and O.J. being blamed as Chance and Whiteboy squared off in a hot air balloon for Tiff’s affections. I’d normally be inclined to call Chance a bitch, but shit, I’m scared of heights too! I ain’t afraid to say it! Whiteboy’s all cool in the balloon while the coloreds is scrunched down like this is some talkie from the 30s. Sorry, we don’t be ridin hot air balloons in the ghetto and shit, Josh!
Oh, wait. Sorry, New York scrunched down because she read her weave package instructions carefully and knew that shit was flammable.
Chance blew all of his pity points when he again came to the dinner table drunk and put on an Ike Turner display for some cigarettes. Nigga lost all track of why he was getting hostile and everything.
“IF YOU DON’T LOVE ME, I’MMA SMACK THAT CIGARETTE OUTCHA MOUF, BITCH! FUCK IT! I’MMA TAKE ALL YOUR DAMN CIGARETTES AND YOU WON’T BE SMOKIN SHIT BUT SOME POLE! I DON’T EVEN NEED TO BE HERE RIGHT NOW! I’MMA TAKE THEM CIGARETTES AND BRING THEM SHITS BACK TO MY BOY! MY BOY BACK HOME LOVE NEWPORTS! NEWPORTS AND POP TARTS!…”
That deranged motherfucker will get fucked up and beat your ass. Send him home, Tiff. I don't particularly like you, but I don't wanna cover your Lifetime movie as well.
Chance blew a prime opportunity to be the first contestant to conceive on one of these programs. New York was about to let Whiteboy beat raw dog. I’m convinced of it. Their shit didn’t take too long to go Skinemax. There was thigh sucking and the whole nine. Just when you’re sure there was going to be some permanently-scarring penetration, New York drops the hammer:
“You at home… Don’t bust that nut just yet! I got some questions.”
When Whiteboy came clean about his 5-year relationship ending only a couple of months before, I knew that was his glatt kosher ass.
Of course, the next day, ManBearPig got wind of what Chance did and further vowed to run his testicles through a wringer. Funny shit, the man had the balls to deny the accusations. Chance, don’t you know we can see you? They record this shit, homeboy… like the security camera at the Korean store that one time.
At elimination time, I’m looking at New York like “I thought you didn’t let your weave get fucked up on that balloon.” I’m also listening and wondering why she sounds like she’s trying to sell New York ringtones. Text “SKANK” to 22335 for New York and Whiteboy’s moaning…
This elimination she “flipped it,” which means to do something differently. As she read her description of the dude going home, Whiteboy looked around like it wasn’t him. Nigga, did you hear what she said? She might as well have read his government and social out loud.
“The man I’m talking about can’t give me what I am looking for right now.”*Whiteboy whistling*
“The man I’m talking about is still going through something difficult with his last girlfriend.”
*Whiteboy staring into space. More whistling.*
“The man I’m talking about still has the scent of his ex-girlfriends vagina on his fingers.”
Oh, well. I’m gonna miss Joshua. But let the wild 3-way dance begin as The BAPE Brothers surely jump Wango next week.
Now we only have Negroes to blame for the foolery that comes from this program.
talkinvideos@sohh.com
I can’t wait.
Comments
absolutely hilarious episode.
i about died when real called tango a ninja turtle. down to the final three, all the white boys were knocked out with a one, two, three punch.
Ok, i gotta catch my breath...Toooo funny they whole entire thing...but so true!!
Funny: why do u say that u took ur brother to a bar and he ordered a cup of ice??? LMFAO
Funny#2: U called NY Leather faced
Funny#3: Chance lost all sense or why he was even getting mad!!
Funny# 4( from me)By the end of this show someone will have Mono!!
Funny#5: You didnt call Tango ManBearPig???? u didnt really say that!!
Now that's comedy :)
Best blog on the site. Creative writing, good references, and funny as hell. Keep it up.
RW
Ron, I'm really beginning to think you are a top comedian fronting as a blog writer. I would say your talents are wasted here, but I don't want you to go away. I can't wait for you take on Monique's new show, "Transforming from Ho to Housewife."
I realized a few episodes ago that this show was all about getting negroes drunk and letting them run wild in front of the camera. Up until this point Real seemed to have just said no. Clearly he finally gave into the pressure after seeing how far it's gotten his mentally challenged sibling. Tango is now the only sober person in the house, which leads me to believe he MIGHT be able to handle the brothers when they finally attempt to bring the beat down on his azz.
I can't wait to see next week when the moms come to the show.
www.howtocoontv.com
This was the funniest episode yet... I thought I would wet my pants laughing at Tango AKA Ninja Turtle. NY and Chance ducking down in the balloon like two kittens in a damn basket and LAWD HAFF MERCY, why did homegirl tell everybody that her hair was synthetic??? First white person that asks me that is getting they ass kicked!!! I don't care what anybody says, Chance is a homothug, that's my story and I'm sticking with it. Donnatello needs some Tide and a tube of Chapstick and I think Real aka Vampire in Brooklyn is going home next week. I cannot wait for the next installment of this trainwreck...
I've always said Ron, that when you use your powers for good, you are a charasmatic genius. AND FUNNY!
(Real did it for me with the Ninja Turtle remark!)
KOWAAAAHBUNNGAAAAA!
It looks like Chance is gonna take the 5,000 and dip from what i saw on the preview
This is the best blog ever. The best and funniest writing in a long time..Cant wait to read the next one.
Ron your blog is the best hands down.That last episode was the best.That shit was funny as hell.Keep up the good work.
Thank you guys for the love! Y'all are the reason I do this. For real!
But yo...
I think Real aka Vampire in Brooklyn is going home next week. I cannot wait for the next installment of this trainwreck...
Posted by: Mika at March 13, 2007 1:25 PM
Vampire in Brooklyn?!
WOWWWWWW!
nah ron u really need to check out the extra shit on vspot. they got whiteboy and chance fightin with a neighbor and real tellin exactly how tango is a ninja turtle. funny shit.
For real, does he NOT look like he could be a stand in for count chocula off the cereal box?
Damn Ron, you was on one today, I almost sharted my damn pants that shit was so damn hilarious.
Back at private sexy time, knowing New York is curious about "where [his] head is at," Real lays down his smoothest Colt-45 conversation game
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
THAT SHIT HAD ME FUCKIN ROLLIN
I loved Whiteboy from the beginning, you can count on 3 fingers (not even a whole hand) who had some sense. Class act right to the end (Imma miss you Whiteboy) -- NY's synthetic weave may have been on too tight to handle your grown n sexy stuff -- I was clapping at home when you put the whip cream in your mouth and then kissed NY to pass it back to her (oooooh lawd) -- but I respect the fact that you respected her to let her know what was really going on eventhough it doomed your fate. I think Chance is going to take it all, please lawd don't let it be Tango - How the hell you gonna love someone and you haven't even established a real strong friendship first? Didn't Tango want to leave last week - and now this week he loves NY? If that ain't a Ninja Turtle I don't know what is. Peace Fam.
Keema, I got a second between meetings. I'm gonna break these down for you one by one.
Funny: why do u say that u took ur brother to a bar and he ordered a cup of ice??? LMFAO
-This wasn't the first time I had to scold him for sneaking his own liquor into a nightspot. That shit is frowned upon. But if you're gonna flask the shit, FUCK IT! DRINK IT WARM, NIGGA!!!
Funny#2: U called NY Leather faced
-Real is Bronco/Horse Face and NY is a Leather Muppet. Janice!
Funny#3: Chance lost all sense or why he was even getting mad!!
-Alcohol is one hell of a drug. Plus he rolls up all that crack in thsoe blunts. Who knows what he's liable to say/do.
Funny# 4( from me)By the end of this show someone will have Mono!!
-I'm sure some shit has been passed around already. Herpetic lesions, something.
Funny#5: You didnt call Tango ManBearPig???? u didnt really say that!!
-ManBearPig is Sister Patterson. Tango qualifies as such a creature as well, though.
Now that's comedy :)
Posted by: Keema at March 13, 2007 12:11 PM
Thanks, Keema. I hope that clarifies things!
Tango is a bitch. he such a cry baby. He could never holla at me with his bitch ass
I got a problem with you Ron....
During Flava of Love you or SOHH have links to the "ladies" MySpace pages or personal websites. Why I gotta scour the internet for the men's pages?
yo this is the best show on TV in 20 years . Real ass is going home next week Chance is gon out as the winner of dis tang belive
Mika i stopped breathing about the Vampire in Brooklyn comment.
And Ron you blog too late, i was looking for this @ 9 this morning but it is well worth the wait. Your recaps are priceless. you should publish these in a book or sell it to VH1.
and i ride with ur brother taking liquor INTO the club, sheeeit. Drinks cost the amount of a bottle. I took chicken wings n french fries AND a poland spring bottle full of Alize red into a comedy show and DARED somebody to say sumthn.
as long the FOL train keeps going, ron mexico got a job!
the next up to bat is "charm school"..i know the commentary on that one will be hilarious
bottomline the show iz very entertaining but the bitch iz busted and niggas are busters tryin to holla at that broke hoe no matter what the grand prize iz it better be money and not here ugly ass
OMG, I came across this website by accident one day a few weeks ago and read your blog. I come EVERY Tuesday now just to read your hilarious re-cap. ManBearPig? OMG, that's it... the funniest ish EVER! I know Imma receive HELLA flack for saying this, but there is just SOMETHING about Tango & New York together that I LOVE! The high school drama fights that they have?!? PERFECTION! I LOVE IT! hahahah Im pullin for you, Tango! Keep doin ya thang on this blog becuz you're hilarious.
Ron thanks, for the re-cap brother this is too funny!! ok, so you called her mother a ManBearPig...still funny, now ur brother dead wrong and the young lady that stated she takes a whole meal into a comdey club....( no harm intended) sister thats really bad a basket of chicken tenders & fries is only like $6.95 + tax. :)
Even my son ask me what i was laughing at when i re-read the blog and i had too explain to him why you dont ask for a cup of ice in a bar, he also fell out laughing!!
It's just not right!!
Funny as usual. I do dislike Tango the least. If he wouldn't talk so much w/o backing it up, he'd be okay. As for snitching, he is playing the game right. I do not fault him for that. I thought that Real, aka Prince was acting like his drunk ass brother. Chance gets picked because with the follow up show, New York I love you, he will provide the most ignorant partner to NY and it will be COONTASTIC!
VH1 is making a killing off this coonfest... and sorry to say I love each and every episode! I think Chance is going to take the money and run. Hopefully he'll use the money to go to rehab and buy some Hooked on Phonics workbooks. NY's gonna pick Donnatello, she love she some turtle. And is it me or does MAN-BEAR-PIG's (as she is affectionately known) hairline gets bigger with each episode??? I swear that woman has a six head instead of a forehead! I CAN'T WAIT for this Charm School show... Nikki Parker teaching class to the Flava of Love Skanks??? Now THAT'S entertainment!
Wow...Ron Mexico,
You killed it on this critique! And how you keep referring to NY's moms as ManBearPig...CLASSIC! LOL. I lose my mind at work everytime i read that.
My favorite part:
Back at private sexy time, knowing New York is curious about "where [his] head is at," Real lays down his smoothest Colt-45 conversation game.
Real: Whenever I say anyone’s beautiful, I’m talking to them as a hole.
NY: Huh?
Real: A hole. You’re a hole to me, baby.
NY: Oh. *keeps drinking*
Real: What’s in you is in me… and I wanna put it back in you. How’s that sound?
NY: What?
Real: Yeah.
You blame the Hennessey for a night like this.
--Priceless...
Although I don't think Hennessey is to blame for this madness. Sometimes I think they just use the liqour as an excuse. This conversation probably would've gone down the same way even if they were sober.
Can't put a price on stupidity...lol.
Can't wait for next week.
ok i said i wasnt even gonna watch this shit no more but i 4 got to delete the recording setting on my dvr...i didnt know that a drunk mother fucker can tell you what u want to here and the bitch already thinks real is in love with her....lol lmao ahahahaha....that drag queen is about as retarded as chance....RON U ARE SO FUNNY....At first I didn’t see how Real and Chance could be related. I see now the ‘tardo doesn’t fall too far from the high chair.
THAT SHIT IS TOO HILLARIUS...LOL...^..ALL NEWYORK WANTS TO DO IS SLOBBER DOWN ON THOSE NIGGAS CUZ SHE SO DAMN HORNY ON TV...SHE AINT FOOLIN NOBODY SHE SUCH A DAMN MONKEY WHORE...IM GLAD WHITEBOY DIDNT FUCK HER..HE PROLLY TOLD HER THAT SHIT SO HE WOULD GET OFF THAT SHOW...REAL HORSEFACE IS SO SORRY..TALKING ABOUT HES GONNA USE HIS BROTHER TO FUCK WITH TANGO....CHANCE IS A MOSQUITO WAITING TO GET SQUASHED GAY ASS FUCKERS....TANGO SHOULD WIN...
That Ninja Turtle shit was comedy . . .
LOL @ "Sister Patterson"/ManBearPig . . . LMAO!!!!
That shit had me rolling son! To the point I'm in the middle of my office reading this joint & niggas is staring at me. HAHAHAHAHAHA
ManBearPig
who wants to compete for new york sure I'll hit it but that's all why should I go on a show and compete with 20 guys over a girl who served flav's ugly ass for fame hell I would'nt want to be a part of her or be around her crazy fake ass mama screw this show hell deelishis and flav broke up reallyu sad maybe flav and new york can get back together in a future reality show.
this show sucks but is entertaining but all the girls who went on flavor of love feel bad their most biggest accomplishments was showing off their assets in magazines, and rap videos and all they had to do was sleep with flavor flav I love america we have the best sluts in the universe goldy's broke ass is a standup comedian she's so lame even comicview won't have her.
Ron, you are truly my favorite person in the whole wide world. This recap was funny as all hell! i knew you wouldnt pass up the ninja turtle and stuart remark. It was on the tip of my tongue. Tango is a lame!! How you gon let a drunk man stand you up and clown you!! OMG.. Chance could not have been more of a fool. that negro had the liquor and OJ on a damn how air balloon. that shits got to be flamamble. Tiff.. Honey, how you gon kick a man off for just getting out of a real relationship and your ass just got done fuckin with FLAV? Don't worry abput Tango lovin you too soon beacuse he don't and you slept with Flav pretty soon too? Oh and is it just me or did it seem like Josh could really do some real nice things with that mouth? just puttin it out there!!!
Sandra Rose at http://www.sandrarosenews.blogspot.com/
says she hates SOHH. This idiot hates on everything hip-hop & pretens to be a amn celeb photographer, yet she states that Kim Porter is the biggest celeb from ATL... what a joke!
Ron:
>>-I'm sure some shit has been passed around already. Herpetic lesions, something.>Chance, don’t you know we can see you? They record this shit, homeboy… like the security camera at the Korean store that one time.>“Hallelujah, Hollerback!”
ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!
Did anyone read New York's big ass lips when she was on the couch with Whiteboy? It looks like her ol' monkey ass said "Fuck Me!"
omg. tiffany is so much more nastier that flav ever thought of. this chick is gonna give one of these unlucky dudes something they cannot scrub off with comet and then hope their johnson doesnt explode when they try to pee one morning. so nasty....omg she gets fatter every episode because she is a big fat cow.man bear pig. has now turned into the skank: aka: tiffany: aka: new york. i love reality shows and i am 50 years old and have def jam tunes from since i was in my early 30s. the cassettes have now been blown up to cd's/ my kids know who def jam is and flav of flav. flavor of love they didnt know. however, flav they did and all the rest of the gang.
Chance should win his the shit Tango looks like a fucking ninja turtle!!!! New york and chance are so cute togeather and chance is so sexy!!! Tango has something about him that i don't like about him!! like how he said that chance is fake and that he is just there for his rap carrer yeah right !!! Can't wait till tonight when Chance wins!!!! Lets hope!!!
Chance should win his the shit Tango looks like a fucking ninja turtle!!!! New york and chance are so cute togeather and chance is so sexy!!! Tango has something about him that i don't like about him!! like how he said that chance is fake and that he is just there for his rap carrer yeah right !!! Can't wait till tonight when Chance wins!!!! Lets hope!!!!!!
Guess what Tango won on i love new york i am so piest i can't belive it well i did some research and it said tango won but chance had sex with new york unbelivable!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Joshua aka whiteboy I really want to get to know you
new york is a horse lip nasty bitch.and a triling whore.the bitch probably have herpes.
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