Talkin' Videos 2006 Awards - The First (of the month)


*cue more corny ass music*



I again graciously thank you all for a 2006 that I could not have conjured up in my most insane of fried chicken nightmares. In a strange era where freedom of thought and expression are under consistent attack, I am both honored and elated to engage this symposium with you guys on a daily basis. As expected, 2006 saw my scrotum slurped, stretched, yanked and folded in every direction possible. In lieu of said testicular abuse, I am proud to announce that my balls are currently smooth as eggs and reloaded.

I hope this program reaches you happy, shiny, healthy and well-rested but still fiery enough to gnash your teeth at these skip-skaps, scollywhops, hoebags, so-called recording artists, pawnk bitches and Fergie. Blessed are ye who understand what we do here and why.

Alright. You’ve been waiting long enough. Finally, on massive CP time, the 2006 Talkin’ Videos Awards commence.

Our first Mexican of the evening is the Citibank “Unbreak My Heeeeeaaaarrrrrrt” award for worst vocal performance.

In a landslide victory, Bad Boy “recording artist” Cassie snatches down the Mexican like a bag of U.N.-donated grain by an African warlord atop an American tank. Both live and recorded she sounds like a cat being spayed without the luxuries of anesthesia or sedative. Her performance on “Me & You” is a complete affront to every Puerto Rican girl who sat under a hair dryer all Saturday afternoon singing along to Lisa Lisa & Cult Jam/Brenda K. Starr/Mariah Carey/Aaliyah/Brandy/3LW. They all sound better than Cassie. I’m sure of this.

Other nominees: T-Pain - “I’m In Luv With A Skripper” | Rihanna â€" “Unfaithful” | Ciara â€" “Promise” | Akon feat. Eminem â€" “Smack That”

…which brings us to our first sponsor of the evening.


We at Boost Mobile would like to thank you, our valued customer base including but not entirely limited to: poor people; black people; people with bad credit; no credit; black people; drug dealers; pimps; black people; private/secretive people; Charlie Murphy; Ron Mexico; and last but certainly still least, black people.

We’d also like to thank you for buying into our new GPS tracking system. Better yet, you should thank us. The government was going to sneak chips into your children via the free cheese block, but now they just use our GPS tracking system for a nominal fee per patron (not a drink).

Fortunately for us, you guys have poor credit histories.

Where You At?!
Boost Mobile Team

Our next Mexican is the Steve Harvey “Coon of the Year” award.


No artist or group we’ve covered this year showed their entire assholes like the once-Infamous Mobb Deep. After signing with G-Unit/Shady/Aftermath/Interscope/Everybody Eats Before You, these two engaged longtime fans with discourse detailing in short that Curtis Jackson’s testicles resonate a light, syrupy aroma and taste of sweet pigeon milk. They looked like guests artists even in their own shit, and they wouldn’t have had it any other way. Go cop that "Blood Money!" “Put ‘Em In Their Place.”

Other nominees: Timbaland â€" in “Promiscuous” | Ying Yang Twinz â€" in “Ms. New Booty”/”Cameraphone” | Pretty Ricky â€" “On The Hotline”

Wasting no time, we continue onto a brand new Mexican award category. The “Trapped In The Closet” award goes to the video I secretly enjoyed most despite some of the horrible things I might have said about the artist, her/his parents, upbringing, level of talent, odor, etc.

The Mexican goes to… DJ UNK for his exemplary work on “Walk It Out.” As much shit as I talk, I can’t help but do that fuckin Hojangles dance whenever I hear that instrumental. It doesn’t matter where. I could be in the office. I do it in the cereal aisle. A car could drive by a funeral I'm attending. Fuck it. I’m walkin’ it out. Thank you UNK. It’s on once again… Patron (that is a drink) once again…

Other nominees: Akon â€" “I Wanna Fuck You” | T-Pain feat. Pimp C, Paul Wall, Twista, R. Kelly Old Nasty Ass & Too $hort â€" “I’m In Love With A Stripper (Remix)” | Bow Wow feat. Chris Brown â€" “Shorty Like Mine”

The 2006 Talkin’ Videos Awards will return after a brief word from the following fine products:


So, Denny’s asked me to come out here and level with you people.

That whole “not serving black people” thing was a long time ago. I mean… Who really remembers 1991 all that well? I sure as fuck don’t. Since then, Denny’s has made every effort to appease us as people of color. Why can’t we just meet them halfway? Why we always gotta be salty ass nigras? It’s this kind of attitude and behavior that holds us back as a people when we could be benefiting economically from the glorious $2.99 Grand Slam breakfasts being waved in front of our faces. All we have to do is seize the opportunity.

Shit, I know I will.

Stanley Crouch,
Denny’s Spokesman and Swine Lover

Our final Mexican of today’s installment is “Rookie of the Year.”

Unlike Brandon Roy, there wasn’t a clear-cut favorite for best new Talkin’ Videos star. Lupe Fiasco was barely edged out by Tip Harris’ licorice-hued protégé, Young Dro. From the Cosby sweaters to the wonderfully clever southern mumble wordplay to having enough melanin for us all, the self-proclaimed Best Thang Smokin’ hit our blog with 2 overhand smashes in “Shoulder Lean” and “Rubberband Banks.” His verse on the BAAAWWWWWLLLLINNNNNNNN’ remix wasn’t too shabby either.

Other nominees: Lupe Fiasco | Jibbs | Rick Ross | Rhymefest | Yung Joc | Cheri Dennis

We’re not even close to warm yet. Tune in tomorrow for more Honduran bean farming fun when we’ll be joined by special guests…

Ah, I can’t say.


Powered by Movable Type 4.31-en

About this Entry

This page contains a single entry by Ron Mexico published on February 1, 2007 11:31 AM.

The White Rapper Show: All Y'all Skrippers! was the previous entry in this blog.

Barclays' Talkin' Videos 2006 Awards - The Second Coming is the next entry in this blog.

Find recent content on the main index or look in the archives to find all content.