*cue more corny ass music*
I again graciously thank you all for a 2006 that I could not have conjured up in my most insane of fried chicken nightmares. In a strange era where freedom of thought and expression are under consistent attack, I am both honored and elated to engage this symposium with you guys on a daily basis. As expected, 2006 saw my scrotum slurped, stretched, yanked and folded in every direction possible. In lieu of said testicular abuse, I am proud to announce that my balls are currently smooth as eggs and reloaded.
I hope this program reaches you happy, shiny, healthy and well-rested but still fiery enough to gnash your teeth at these skip-skaps, scollywhops, hoebags, so-called recording artists, pawnk bitches and Fergie. Blessed are ye who understand what we do here and why.
Alright. Youâ€™ve been waiting long enough. Finally, on massive CP time, the 2006 Talkinâ€™ Videos Awards commence.
Our first Mexican of the evening is the Citibank â€œUnbreak My Heeeeeaaaarrrrrrtâ€ award for worst vocal performance.
In a landslide victory, Bad Boy â€œrecording artistâ€ Cassie snatches down the Mexican like a bag of U.N.-donated grain by an African warlord atop an American tank. Both live and recorded she sounds like a cat being spayed without the luxuries of anesthesia or sedative. Her performance on â€œMe & Youâ€ is a complete affront to every Puerto Rican girl who sat under a hair dryer all Saturday afternoon singing along to Lisa Lisa & Cult Jam/Brenda K. Starr/Mariah Carey/Aaliyah/Brandy/3LW. They all sound better than Cassie. Iâ€™m sure of this.
â€¦which brings us to our first sponsor of the evening.
We at Boost Mobile would like to thank you, our valued customer base including but not entirely limited to: poor people; black people; people with bad credit; no credit; black people; drug dealers; pimps; black people; private/secretive people; Charlie Murphy; Ron Mexico; and last but certainly still least, black people.
Weâ€™d also like to thank you for buying into our new GPS tracking system. Better yet, you should thank us. The government was going to sneak chips into your children via the free cheese block, but now they just use our GPS tracking system for a nominal fee per patron (not a drink).
Fortunately for us, you guys have poor credit histories.
Where You At?!
Boost Mobile Team
Our next Mexican is the Steve Harvey â€œCoon of the Yearâ€ award.
No artist or group weâ€™ve covered this year showed their entire assholes like the once-Infamous Mobb Deep. After signing with G-Unit/Shady/Aftermath/Interscope/Everybody Eats Before You, these two engaged longtime fans with discourse detailing in short that Curtis Jacksonâ€™s testicles resonate a light, syrupy aroma and taste of sweet pigeon milk. They looked like guests artists even in their own shit, and they wouldnâ€™t have had it any other way. Go cop that "Blood Money!" â€œPut â€˜Em In Their Place.â€
Wasting no time, we continue onto a brand new Mexican award category. The â€œTrapped In The Closetâ€ award goes to the video I secretly enjoyed most despite some of the horrible things I might have said about the artist, her/his parents, upbringing, level of talent, odor, etc.
The Mexican goes toâ€¦ DJ UNK for his exemplary work on â€œWalk It Out.â€ As much shit as I talk, I canâ€™t help but do that fuckin Hojangles dance whenever I hear that instrumental. It doesnâ€™t matter where. I could be in the office. I do it in the cereal aisle. A car could drive by a funeral I'm attending. Fuck it. Iâ€™m walkinâ€™ it out. Thank you UNK. Itâ€™s on once againâ€¦ Patron (that is a drink) once againâ€¦
Other nominees: Akon â€" â€œI Wanna Fuck Youâ€ | T-Pain feat. Pimp C, Paul Wall, Twista, R. Kelly Old Nasty Ass & Too $hort â€" â€œIâ€™m In Love With A Stripper (Remix)â€ | Bow Wow feat. Chris Brown â€" â€œShorty Like Mineâ€
The 2006 Talkinâ€™ Videos Awards will return after a brief word from the following fine products:
So, Dennyâ€™s asked me to come out here and level with you people.
That whole â€œnot serving black peopleâ€ thing was a long time ago. I meanâ€¦ Who really remembers 1991 all that well? I sure as fuck donâ€™t. Since then, Dennyâ€™s has made every effort to appease us as people of color. Why canâ€™t we just meet them halfway? Why we always gotta be salty ass nigras? Itâ€™s this kind of attitude and behavior that holds us back as a people when we could be benefiting economically from the glorious $2.99 Grand Slam breakfasts being waved in front of our faces. All we have to do is seize the opportunity.
Shit, I know I will.
Dennyâ€™s Spokesman and Swine Lover
Our final Mexican of todayâ€™s installment is â€œRookie of the Year.â€
Unlike Brandon Roy, there wasnâ€™t a clear-cut favorite for best new Talkinâ€™ Videos star. Lupe Fiasco was barely edged out by Tip Harrisâ€™ licorice-hued protÃ©gÃ©, Young Dro. From the Cosby sweaters to the wonderfully clever southern mumble wordplay to having enough melanin for us all, the self-proclaimed Best Thang Smokinâ€™ hit our blog with 2 overhand smashes in â€œShoulder Leanâ€ and â€œRubberband Banks.â€ His verse on the BAAAWWWWWLLLLINNNNNNNNâ€™ remix wasnâ€™t too shabby either.
Other nominees: Lupe Fiasco | Jibbs | Rick Ross | Rhymefest | Yung Joc | Cheri Dennis
Weâ€™re not even close to warm yet. Tune in tomorrow for more Honduran bean farming fun when weâ€™ll be joined by special guestsâ€¦
Ah, I canâ€™t say.