Before we continue with the Barclays' Talkin Videos 2006 Awards, I am being prodded to throw to our next, and probably most important sponsor.
Just in time for short-ass Black History Month, Barclays, the bestest bank ever to happen to ever, *wide-eyed shuffle dance* is plunging millions of dollars into an urban empowerment initiative they refer to as â€œGhetto Revival.â€ This includes the naming rights to various popular urban institutions, namely Talkinâ€™ Videos. In an effort to right the somewhat obvious wrongs and longstanding ill effects of the African slave trade, they have allocated a scrotum-flakeâ€™s-worth of their tax write-off to restore the broken outdoor basketball courts in Brooklyn.
Finally, our children have a chance to be all that they can in this society, and Barclays is making that happen for us! In exchange they only ask that we make more of a conscientious effort to understand and respect their massive slave trade profits within the context of history.
Iâ€™m Ron Mexico-Barclays and I have been fiscally compensated to approve this message.
Hallelujah, Holler back!
Oh, yeah. Thanks for sticking up for us, Jay! Cristal is totally unacceptable... but this shit right here, nigga... this shit right here, right here, this shit?!
Okay, now that weâ€™ve clarified that, itâ€™s time to show you some of the â€œbehind the scenesâ€ awards that we were not able to present formally due to time constraints.
â€œLilâ€™â€ Person of the Year â€" Lilâ€™ Wayne
â€œYoungâ€ Person of the Year â€" Samgoma Edwards AKA â€œYoung Hovâ€
Midget of the Year â€" T.I.
Brokeback Moment of the Year â€" Lilâ€™ Wayne & Birdman AKA Baby The #1 Stunna
Moving right along to the ever-coveted Kidsâ€™ Choice Award presented by the United Negro College Fund.
â€œBecause niggas just ainâ€™t goinâ€™, and itâ€™s apparent in the user comments.â€
Chris Brown and Bow Wow lose out on a close one to Pretty Ricky's phone sex anthem "On The Hotline," but the technically-illiterate yet mouthy 10-year-olds that stumble upon Talkinâ€™ Videos in Google Search have spoken, and it reads a little like the following:
"ronnie u fuqed up! cuz pretty ricky iz da shyt! why y'all hatin? dont git mad cuz u a mothafuqqin low life dat aint got shyt else ta do BUT down pretty ricky. i actually think that u like them. u think exactly the oppostire of wha u said! But uh... fall in bitch and go ta hell! i mean that literally. u gotta problem ... cum see da girl...i'll solve em!!" â€"(actual viewer response).
What more need be said?
Unfortunately, Pretty Ricky is on tour and unable to attend. Accepting the award on their behalf is 1994 & 1998 winner, Brandy Norwood, who will be taking a cab home. We promise.
We will return after a brief word from our sponsor.
Fuck BET... That is all.
Next Mexican? The Carmelo Anthony Award for Cheapshot Hate.
And the Mexican goes toâ€¦ CHG â€" â€œUnfadable Part 2â€
Question: Did I really have to excavate the fossils of quite possibly the worst rapper ever and cover his decaying frame with piss for all the world to see? Answer: Hell motherfuckin' yeah, I did! Fuck is wrong with you? If I donâ€™t, tha game will freeze. Unlike Carmelo punk ass I donâ€™t slap and run, neither.
â€¦and now itâ€™s time to pay some more bills.
Kennedy Fried Chicken would like to thank you all for your patronage. We know nothing goes with Talkinâ€™ Videos like that 3-piece with fries, sweet potato pie and Breyerâ€™s Ice Cream. We currently outsell bum-ass Kentucky Fried Chicken in every major urban market (nice way of saying "ghetto") in the country!
Weâ€™d also like to take this time to inform you that while we appreciate the heartfelt attempt at cultural sensitivity, none of our independently owned and operated licensees are named â€œHabibi.â€ Weâ€™d also like to inform you that the chicken fingers are back after passing USDA inspections with a grade of D- and containing less than .15mg of rat feces per serving.
Bismillah a Rahman...
The other "KFC"
Thank you, Kennedy. As you all may already know, there are big things lined up for Ron Mexico in 2007, but none bigger than what I am about to tell you. In participating Kennedy Fried Chicken spots, $2.99 will get your hungry black ass â€œThe Ron Mexicoâ€, which includes 2 center breasts, 2 packets of hot sauce, and that sweet potato pie you niggas canâ€™t keep your jiblets off of.
Fuck it. Popeye didnâ€™t pay this year. I ainâ€™t afraid to say the shit.
Our eveningâ€™s final award is the G-Dep â€œDid Somebody Sayâ€¦. Dust?â€ Award for â€œWhat the FUCK were you high on?!â€
Anthony Hamilton may be the best thing to happen to R&B/Soul in the past decade and is hardly recognized. Perhaps this is what drives a man to sprinkle his usual, perfectly-healthy Dutchmaster with a bag of that Butt Naked and shoot a video like â€œSista Big Bones.â€ The fuck he think he is? Norbit? Eh, maybe Iâ€™m giving too much credit to the Sherman Hemsley and not enough to his label execs, but damnâ€¦ Iâ€™d have to be sedated like a motherfucker to agree to that one. Not because itâ€™s about or starring big guls. Big guls need love too. Butâ€¦ wellâ€¦ look at the nigga.
We leave you for the weekend with this Black History Moment with Petey Greene: