Barclays' Talkin' Videos 2006 Awards: A Stylish Fourclosure

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Welcome back to the Barclays Talkin' Videos 2006 Awards program. I'm Ron Mexico, and this is our Black History Moment.

Now, let's get back to our recognition of the hand-picked Negro leaders of our culture's musical representation to the world.

*looking around sheepishly*

...If that's okay with you, Mr. Barclays.

It is now time, brothers and sisters, for the 2006 Talkin' Videos Person of the Year.

Without including the television programs we've covered (as it would be entirely too difficult not to give this award, or Coon of the Year, to Flavor Flav), 2006 Person of the Year isn't necessarily the best or worst artist we've discussed, but the one who has both come up in our discussions the most and made the most important contributions to the selections we've covered. Due to his many videos, cameos, features and otherwise media appearances we've just had to talk about, 2006 Talkin' Videos Person of the Year is none other than the one African I give the hardest time, Akon.

Akon, you know I just be jokin about the tubesocks and shit. We all African, baby. I listened to your album too. The shit ain't bad, homie. I still don't vouch for your nigga T-Pain, but we cool, cuz. I done pulled more than a couple young somethins out the club after "I Wanna Love You" too. Your progress and contributions are appreciated here.

Now, seriously. Let a nigga get a 3-for-$10 on these wifebeaters, Ak.

Other nominees: Busta Rhymes | Lil' Wayne | Chris Brown | Jim Jones | Justin Timberlake

We'll be right back to the mushfest after a word from whoever just paid my light bill.

Maybe it takes 6ix?

starburykicks.jpg

Apparently, niggas won't buy Adidas no matter who we put in the commercials. On the other hand, your parents have already bought about 2 million pair of Starburys for $15 a pop. The gears got to turning and we came up with a plan to finally topple those fuckers at Nike!

steph-kg.jpg

Sorry, we didn't have enough room for Stephon's head.

Anyway... The merger is complete! We're going to drop new Adidas/Starbury products with Nike swooshes on them and sell them for $15.

Fuck. It's all we got left.

Believe in the power of 6ix. Fuck a "Second Coming."
-Steph, Chauncey, Kevin, Timothy, Gilly and Tracy

Our next Award is the Antonio Fargas/Huggy Bear award for Worst Dressed in a Video.

This one wasn't even close. When you dress up like the Coon Pixie from Chappelle's Show, look around, look at each other, then go and shoot a video and album cover, you should seek some professional help. Obviously your daddy is crazy and doesn't know what the fuck to do with you boys. "Five in the moan-nennnnnn" Pretty Ricky steal the show with some of the most hideous shit I've seen worn in a music video.

It would have been something else if they were playing some instruments or some shit like that.

Other nominees: Jim Jones, Cam'ron & Juelz Santana in "We Fly High/Reppin' Time" | Fergie in "London Bridge" | Jamie Kennedy in "Rollin' With Saget" | Cam'ron in "Suck It Or Not/Wet Wipes"

Hey there... You like drinkin? Hell, you like drinkin! And if you're like me, you like cognac.

hennessy-xo.jpg

I want to take this time to apologize for some of the culturally insensitive things Hennessey XO had me say last season during the Awards program. I went to buy a bottle for myself and... I too had to save checks for a taste of that sweet nectar of the projects. After rolling trips on 112th and Lexington Avenue, I'd finally amassed enough scratch to cop a bottle.

So, yeah. I'm sorry, niggas. That shit's expensive. I didn't know. I was gettin it for free.
-Ronaldinho

Unfortunately, no one wins the Nipsey Russell award for Worst Hairline. Everyone we covered last year either had a lineup, or covered their shit up with a cap (save for T-Pain). 50 Cent has disappointed us greatly by jilting the encore. Curtis, you could have been the Steve Nash of the hairline game. Vegas had you pegged for the MVP. You cost me some Hennessey XO money, nigga.

*straightens up*

So, we move along to the Tyrone Biggums Award for Best Crackhead in a Video.

As we all know, being a functional celebrity crackhead, or at least exhibiting crackhead tendencies is criteria for getting your shit handed to you on Talkin' Videos. While Big Gipp leaned his way through his comeback attempt and Papoose just looks like he was born under the influence, it's R&B's King of Coke, Bobby Brown who pulls the award down for his performnce in Damian Marley's "Beautiful."

Bobby couldn't be here to accept his award. He's in his Florida condo with Superhead about to get a line of the bombay sniffed off of his penis.

Other nominees: Papoose in "Alphabetical Slaughter" | Big Gipp in "Go Head" | Chamillionaire in "Ridin'" | Lil' Boosie in "Zoom"

*nudge nudge*

*sigh* Barclays wants me to remind you all to "Bank Culturally Responsibly."

Moving right along into an award that's not all that different, we present The Chris Brown Memorial Touchdown Award for... well... you know.

Ah, so many touchdowns, so little time. This year's Chris Brown Memorial Touchdown Award would have gone to Chris Brown himself, but his singing voice is getting stronger, he is quickly growing into his enlarged cranium and he slobbers a lot less. We would have given it to Paul Wall, but his retardation appears to be more self-induced than anything. That wouldn't be fair to our honest-to-Corky winner and perpetual Talkin' Videos whipping boy, CHG the Unfadable Negro for his pity-invoking performance in "Unfadable Pt. 2."

WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOOOOOOOF!

At this rate, CHG's going to win our first Lifetime Acheivement Award next season.

Other nominees: Chris Brown | Paul Wall | Rhymefest... wait, sorry. That's just a lisp.

Last, but not least... one of the few moments of positive reinforcement. Feel free to look for your parking stickers.

2006 Barclays' Talkin Videos Video of the Year:

For their Rorshach visual effects, and... well... for their Rorshach ink-blot visual effects, Talkin' Videos' video of the year is none of than Gnarls Barkley's "Crazy." The VMAs gave it to Chamillionaire. I love the little gremlin, but there was no way that was going to happen here. No video with Deebo wrestling for no damn reason is gonna snatch actual praise from a deserving visual effort.

Yes, Gnarls Barkley's collective dick is big enough for everyone to hop on... just in time for the Grammy Awards.

Other nominees: Chamillionaire feat. Krayzie Bone "Ridin'" | Damian Marley feat. Bobby Brown - "Beautiful" | Lupe Fiasco - "Kick Push" | India.Arie feat. Akon - "I Am Not My Hair"

Thank y'all for comin out. God bless you. Good night.

Season 3 of "Talkin' Videos" is upon us. Oh, get ready!

talkinvideos@sohh.com

Enjoy the Grammophone Awards this weekend!

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This page contains a single entry by Ron Mexico published on February 9, 2007 10:59 AM.

Barclays' 2006 Talkin' Videos Awards: Clarence Williams the Third was the previous entry in this blog.

Monday Madness: Throw The Weed Away, Mike! is the next entry in this blog.

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