February 2007 Archives

Is she serious? Can she be fucking serious about this?!

That’s just feeding the damn flames! I was ready to leave all this shit behind, but Ciara's pullin' me back. I guess you can't completely douse those internal yearnings, hence that feverishly burning desire to do it all "Like A Boy." [watch above]

Don't worry, Cee Cee. It's completely natural. It's who you are! Embrace it! Fuck the "$50,000 and a Range Rover Challenge!" Collapse on that couch with your KFC, Heineken and scratch your balls in front of the television!

Now it’s time… to say goodbye… to all our cracker friends…

At long last we have a winner (not a champion, not a potential rap star, but a winner) of the “'Serchlite for the Soul' Ghetto Scavenger Hunt” AKA “ego trip’s The White Rapper Show.” In a decision that speaks volumes more about the collective hip-hop philosophy of judges MC Serch, Dante Ross, Clinton Sparks and Prince Paul (all white people), Shamrock’s squeaky but excitable sing-along performance edged John Brown’s nerve-wracked lyrical forays to bring the six-figure prize home to Atlanta.

(Sorry for the extended delay on this, but there ain't enough Mondays to get to all of this madness for you.)

His name has been printed as "Osama" in papers and publications nationwide but...

Can't be fucking serious.

"Don’t worry, Cammy. Get me a video, and I promise it’s your turn next week." -Ron Mexico, last Friday.

…and we ‘re back.

We continue Friday Night Sissy Fights with overhand slap artist Cam’ron and his pre-war intro, “Curtisssss.” [watch above]

I’m sorry. I’ve just been corrected by our producers. Apparently, this is the war.

It's my day off, so I thought I'd leave you with something to gnaw on.

Bill O'Reilly still comin' at us hard. As per usual setup, he has a reputable white source that agrees with him and a random house negro hand puppet he can ejaculate via prostate stimulation.

Oh, what I would have given to see the new-superstar Jon Boy in this episode instead of Powder.

This week on “ego trip’s The White Rapper Show,” our crowded three journey from the Mecca of all hip-hop (no pun intended), to the city that has over the years become the “Mecca of White Hip-Hop.” If Jus Rhyme, Shamrock or John Brown are to make a Rabbit run, it’s gotta go through Detroit.

From the moment I heard they were going to Detroit, I had the strangest feeling they were going to Saint Andrew’s to get their asses handed to them.

Before we delve into another 2-week hiatus from “I Love New York” we are greeted with quite the road to our Fab 5. Since it’s cheaper to use a group of orphan girls than pay for paternity tesses, New York turns her handful of remaining bitch niggas over to The Brat Pack for assessment. Immediately following, she has the boys take out their testosterone-laden frustration on one another in the boxing gym.

…and you thought the basketball was fun to watch.

Funeral?! Dude ain't massacred shit. This includes that last $15 coaster he called an album.

Yes, my game is in mint condition. What kind of man would I be if we didn’t examine the Friday Night Sissy Fight that has broken out between 50 Cent and Cam’ron? Apparently, Curtiiiisssss Interscope (or, C.I. as we like to call him downtown) has a video for his response, “Funeral Music.” [watch above]

Today marks the eight-year anniversary of the passing of Lamont Coleman, better known to the hip-hop world as Big L. In the Harlem legend's honor, today's selection is his rarely seen "No Endz No Skinz" video from the almost as rarely heard "Lifestyles Ov Da Poor & Dangerous" LP.

"--Peanut Butter, Jelly! Peanut Butter, Jelly!/
Now City Boy wit it! City Boy wit it!..."

In this week’s edition of Flavor of Stooch, New York puts the boys to work on that ball court for a little “And 1 Man-Bitch Tape” starring Skip to my Whiteboy and Rico Ginobili. We also observe “The Science of Cockblocking” with a collection of fundamentally sound blockers.

This week on “The White Rapper Show” John Brown, Jus Rhyme, Persia and Shamrock explore their inner gully in a series of challenges that, once again, test not their prowess and potential as MCs, but perpetuate the harmful stereotypes and idiosyncrasies of the ghetto.

Oh, yeah… and they got their asses handed to them on Hot 97, which is NOT a Clear Channel station, by the way.

Really?!

It has since been discovered that the dark subtance inside the water bottle that Mr. Mexico tried to discard WAS NOT...

I repeat...

WAS NOT marijuana. Not even trace amounts.

Somebody owes Mexico an apology!

Welcome back to the Barclays Talkin' Videos 2006 Awards program. I'm Ron Mexico, and this is our Black History Moment.

Now, let's get back to our recognition of the hand-picked Negro leaders of our culture's musical representation to the world.

*looking around sheepishly*

...If that's okay with you, Mr. Barclays.

Barclays' Talkin' Videos Awards will continue after a brief word from a lesser sponsor.

You’re a proud black sister. A true African original. Your ancestors smile upon you and your determination in the struggle. Your darkened womb is cradle of all civilization.

Now slap this shit in that nappy ass head of yours so you can come out in public.

(Just for Me No-Lye relaxer now comes in Crispy, Crunchy, Nappy and Nipsey. Select the level of incineration that's right for you.)

Note: No, you didn't sleep through Wednesday. This week's throwback is a day early to make room for the culmination of the Mexican Awards tomorrow and Friday.

Long, long ago in a land called the 90s, rock-rap political powerhouse Rage Against The Machine inspired legions of suburban teens to rebel against their folks. While the music was intended to inspire overall critical thought and scrutiny of "the powers that be," most Joshes and Janies took Zack de la Rocha's lines and flipped them on their unsuspecting parents when they were told to do their house chores and homework.

But you're not a fool... are you?

She's soooooooooo baaaaaaaaaaaad...

In by far the most entertaining episode of "The White Rapper Show," Grown Ass Men Sullee, John Brown and Jon Boy make complete UnCut asscakes of themselves while Persia, Shamrock and Jus Rhyme bring us Throwback Thursday a tad early.

Do the Jerry Lewis!

Of all the silly "Dick In A Box" responses on EweTube, this is far and away the best.

...and shorty is workin' with a proper little rack. She's not afraid to put those in a paper bag to carry out with the box... with the box.

Before we continue with the Barclays' Talkin Videos 2006 Awards, I am being prodded to throw to our next, and probably most important sponsor.

Barclays: Savor the Historical Context

*cue more corny ass music*

Preface:

I again graciously thank you all for a 2006 that I could not have conjured up in my most insane of fried chicken nightmares. In a strange era where freedom of thought and expression are under consistent attack, I am both honored and elated to engage this symposium with you guys on a daily basis. As expected, 2006 saw my scrotum slurped, stretched, yanked and folded in every direction possible. In lieu of said testicular abuse, I am proud to announce that my balls are currently smooth as eggs and reloaded.

I hope this program reaches you happy, shiny, healthy and well-rested but still fiery enough to gnash your teeth at these skip-skaps, scollywhops, hoebags, so-called recording artists, pawnk bitches and Fergie. Blessed are ye who understand what we do here and why.

Alright. You’ve been waiting long enough. Finally, on massive CP time, the 2006 Talkin’ Videos Awards commence.