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October 31, 2006
Flavor of Love: The Ho Bowl/And The Love Goes On
Flavor Flav makes me ashamed to be a Negro.
Finally, I can flush the collective turd that is the man, the pimp and the series. "Flavor of Love" had better stay down, too. I don’t even want that little annoying piece that keeps coming back. I am purifying my DVR of all Flavor-Valdez Corp. products and services. In the meantime, let’s have one last dance with the big piece of chicken and his potato wedges.
Oh, yes. I remember that insane fucking finale like it was two weeks ago. Life be damned if I knew why he made these girls do dental molds for a shot at some hideous gold grills. Delishis looks like a Wild Gremlin [in stores now] with them shits on. Homegirl don’t need no help looking superhuman.
Oh, Saaphyri. What classic Mexican moments we’ve missed out on without your old ignorant ass on the show. “Me right now with my certificate and everything...” Damn, girl. You know Ms. Lip Chap is the kind of girl you can’t even take to the Chinese restaurant with the bulletproof glass because she will yell at Chien-Ming Wang and them and get your shit spat in lovely.
Alright, soooo…. how coked up is Flavor Flav?! He looks like shit turned on its ass. I am a little disappointed by the Bobcats jersey/prom dress that drags on the floor as he walks. I was hoping he’d come out in one of them Rent-A-Coon zoot suits they prop him up in all season long. “Nah, man. This is how I chill. Them suits and shit is just me looking good for the TV.”
Sweet Jesus, Flavor. Did you forget that I cover your program? You can’t be handing me debut music videos this fucking horrible! God damn 2-for-1! This Flavor Flav coke rampage is a bigger train wreck than the show. It’s like an entire season of Being Bobby Brown condensed into 3 and a half minutes.
Dance, Becky, Dance! Yes, go hyphy my proud New-bian sister. Thanks for re-opening the greatest wound of your Rancho Cucamonga, Roach from Next Friday parody you call a life. In case you’re still confused about why your ass is sitting on that couch dressed like a background dancer in a K-Swiss commercial, You've just had... A wigger moment, dearie.
Did we really have to be exposed to Krazy’s cacophony yet another time before the series ended? Why did they put a duck in a bowl like this? This ho came prepared with the microphone in her coochie and everything. If I may holler at you with some Aaliyah, “At Your Best” you’re pretty fucking shitty at this singing thing. She makes Jennifer Lopez look like Streisand. My favorite part of this segment by far are the reactions of the other girls. I don’t think Bootz, Beautuful and Buckeey could be any more disgusted.
Damn. I think I should give Delishis my old, used Invisaligns.
New York is such a hater. As much as I am repulsed by her presence, she can throw a nice right hand. Delishis turned them tables though when she went after NY’s trampled-upon pussy couldn't even keep Flavor Flav 2 times. You KNOW it’s wack when Flavor Flav passes on the shit 2 times for some shit he ain’t never even smelled before. Flavor has 19 kids with 22 different women, so it’s not like the nigga is all that particular about where he parks his licorice whip.
Delishis vs. New York should be a PPV event. There should be youtube leaks of it already. I would pay the money to watch Devonte stomp Seabiscuit into weave glue.
As we touched on earlier in the season, there’s something screwy about Captain Lish’s control over the other girls. As soon as the scuffle broke out there was more than ample backup in the Delishis corner. Shit, Certificate didn't even meet NY. Yet she ready to throw some shit and throw down like NY tried to run out on her braid job.
Speaking of throwing shit, LaLa (and her remarkable titties) put Buckwild in her fucking place. “Y'all hoes is vying for fleeting celebrity on FLAVOR OF LOVE. I'm Carmelo's bitch. Don’t make me have one of his weed carriers let off an accidental round at your ass.”
I wanna know what was on the minds of all the little chickadees at home watching Flavor go Crackson Pollock on the TV screen against ManBearPig. Somebody needs to tell that nigga that WIC won’t cover that damage. That’s coming straight out of one of them kids’ mouths. His Seventeen Dwarves are gonna have to get by on quite a few less cans of Juicy Juice per annum.
This nigga threatened to bring Michelle’s daughter home like an evil little leprechaun pimp. “Yeah, you mad. You mad cuz if I told her to come backstage and do a line off my dick she’d be down 150%, bitch!”
In case you guys didn’t know for sure, "I Love NY" is COMING!!! Hmmm, 20 pitiful, housebroken niggas vying for the affections of one Tiffany Patterson? I don’t think I’ll be watching that. The shit should be on BCAT anyway.
I’m glad I wasn’t disappointed. This shit really was the Ho Bowl. I’m going to go ahead and give Ho Bowl MVP to Saaphyri for inspiring bitches everywhere to go get that $800 hair and take anger management (which you can see has been working so well for her). I thank de lawd that this shit is finally over. Maybe us colored folk can pick up the pieces and try to repair the 40 years of damage this VH1 program has done to the progress of our people.
Posted by Ron Mexico at 10:44 AM | Comments (280)
October 30, 2006
Monday Madness: Tyra Banks Loses Her Shit!
Tyra Banks broad done lost it.
Homegirl has an exorcism while sharing her greatest beauty secret.
From the first time I saw this show, I thought she had an Oprah complex. I mean, she's been doing her damndest from day one. I'm scared because I don't know if this is Oprah parody, or if she really taped her show directly after an open-face coke buffet.
EACH OF THESE ARE WORTH ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS!!!!!!!!
Posted by Ron Mexico at 3:39 PM | Comments (440)
October 27, 2006
Jim Jones - "We Fly High/Reppin' Time" video
I get the feeling flying isn’t the only thing this nigga does high.
I leave you for the weekend with the latest offereing from Capo Status itself, Mr. Jimmy Jones. The songs and visual representations of "We Fly High/Reppin' Time" [watch it now] leave much to be desired (unless you really enjoy watching posers parade as kings). As per usual, being filthy and a cheap bitch are the conceit of this Dipshit production. If this 4 minutes were supposed to convince me that the nigga is "BAWWWLLINNNNNNNN!!!" then I want my money back.
Yes, time is money. Ya poo-putt bitches!
Did Jimmy’s mother just jimmy the lock on someone’s Escalade? I never thought I’d see Roxanna Chante in that capacity. Please don’t tell me that’s the little girl they signed. If so, she look like she bout need some Metamucil in her chicken noodle soup… with a One-A-Day on the side.
Jimmy, Cam and Juelz looking like they about to start their shift valet parking at Red Lobster. They should be fucking ashamed of themselves for that jumpshot dance, too. I don’t care how many uptown corners Cam claims to supply, these niggas is like a backwards ass Three Amigos.
These sickly fuckers need to be comin out of a meeting with Magic Johnson talking about how to buy a shot of that cure to split. All three of them Dipshits look sick to me. I know you can’t tell if someone DOESN’T have the monster, but sometimes you can have an educated guess as to if they DO have that shit. Jim looks like he’s Mad Linx’s disgusting older brother, but I’m convinced there’s much more than theyyyyy can seeeeee.
So let me get this right. Jones is ballin whereas he can just toss his luggage to a weed carrier when he gets off the plane, but his green screen use would indicate that his A/V man was born after the turn of the millennium. The colors don’t even stay inside the fucking lines. How the fluck does that happen? I haven't seen that since the mid 80s. Rob Base might have had the last video that looked like that.
Why exactly did he show us aerial views of 4 different houses? Are we supposed to believe that they are all the same, and that they are his? Nigga is doing pushups with hoes on him. Sheeeeeeit, partner. Looks like an episode of Flavor of Piff. I just hope they are spending some of that advance on condoms.
I’m sure that pool is where his nasty ass substitutes his showers. “What, nigga?! I was in the pool today! It don’t matter! Bawwwwllinnnnnn’!!!”
They had to send in an undercover broad to knock Jimmy. Dude was arraigned on 3 counts of DWS (Driving Without Showering), a 10-47 (transporting nut sweat across state lines) and fucked up braids. Instead of doing the five hours in the African spot as community service and washing his ass, dude would rather drop paper and try to beat the case. Harlem, stand up! This is supposed to be our hero now.
Oh, Ronaldinho ain’t goin for it.
P.S.: Richard Porter didn’t leave you shit, you dickrider. Stop telling these white folks lies like that. He'd be disgusted, actually. When a fuckin stand-up G like Rich Porter got murked, Jimmy was getting slapped around the east side and Cammy was scrapin the cheese out a fuckin Handi-Snacks with a little red stick out of a He-Man lunchbox. I see your Head Patient In Charge got a little lost in that Alpo role, now niggas is talking reckless. Yeen't even Avon Barksdale. I'd put 10 on Bodie over any Dipset affiliate.
We don’t believe you. You need more people.
Posted by Ron Mexico at 10:01 AM | Comments (318)
October 26, 2006
Beatnuts feat. Big Pun & Cuban Link - "Off The Books" video
Ain't nothin but crooks in here!
The Beatnuts are true buffalo soldiers. Unsung heroes of this 90s rappin shit. The oft-forgotten JuJu and Psycho Les combined with fellow Latin rap stars Big Pun and Cuban Link for what's probably the biggest (but by no means best) record of their career. "Off The Books" [watch it now] shows us the shiny side of the nuts as this Quatro Fantastico does its damndest to keep up with the Joneses.
...or should I say the Combses.
Oh, you know I said it. This was these niggas raft-to-Miami attempt at making a Puffy video. Goggles? Leather? Fantasy Island white suits? Can "Do You Believe?" and this shit come from the same stream? I guess so when it's 1997 and you're trying to get some MTV spins.
Mmmm. Mmmmmmmm. A white party on Wall Street with bitches and money rain. If only Puffy could see us now! Speaking of Puffy, props to my homie EJ for actually making that .gif I asked about last Thursday!
As for the restaurant intro, the only tip JuJu got for ya is hollow, beitch. Besides, if anyone should be on the hook for a tip it should probably be Pun for making Yesenia come back and forth to the table about 6 times. Pescados y mariscos, baby!
I see these boys got the chocolate fever! They like the morenas. Ain’t nothing wrong with a little Café Bustelo in the morning time. I see a few twisted, Tyra Banks “I just got twisted out by Chris Webber in the dressing room” weaves too. Don’t act like y’all ain’t seen homegirl doin her best Oprah impersonation with a weave that looks like Beyoncé ran it over right before she put it on.
Brrrr.
P.S.: Never forget the accento over the second "e" in Beyoncé!
Posted by Ron Mexico at 10:04 AM | Comments (151)
October 25, 2006
UNK - Walk It Out "video"
DJ UNK look like he 'bout C-Murder and Kurupt's untold lovechild, don't he?
As the evolution of modern dance continues, our brothers down bottom continue to lead the way. No one video clip has inspired me to jump around like an assclown more than UNK's "Walk It Out." [watch it now] This is fun to watch to the point where I almost ain't got nothin slick to say.
...almost.
Oooh. I know all about that opening scene. That dere Grandma Nana with the whroopin belt. One of them little niglets forgot to refill the Kool-Aid pitcher. Funny thing about Nana... She gon muster up the strength of yesteryear to not only find, but decimate all 7 of them half-siblings. (Yes, another daddy joke.)
Last time I seen hoes dancing in front of someone’s house in unison like that the WIC man came out and handed them their checks personally.
I love this Cotton Chorus Line shit. I can’t even front, you and your partners go in the party and nail this routine down properly, you’re gonna get more burn than Kid ‘N Play!
Clarification: More burn than Kid ‘N Play today, that is.
The raps are unk with a “b” in front, but it’s whatever. I'm sure his album will be "Beat'N Down Yo Block" with bullshit, but I’m just trying to land the walk properly for the Halloween party. I’m dressing up as the slave that knocked up massa’s wife. Yes, a white woman will be part of my costume. She won’t be able to resist my walk or my shoveling skills. It's gonna be ex-o-lent!
Watch Outkast walk it out! Mayor Big Boi look like half a gorilla. It’s great! What the fuck was that corny nigga Terrence thinking? He might as well do the walk on his knees… right on over to Andre’s crotch.
I don't know who I hate more, him or Mad Linx.
Posted by Ron Mexico at 10:38 AM | Comments (296)
October 24, 2006
Birdman & Lil' Wayne - "Stuntin' Like My Daddy" video
Rap’s favorite father-and-son combo… shit.. father… wow. I haven’t said that word in a while. Anyway… Where was I? Oh, yeah. Hip-hop’s favorite father-and-son combination returns with the most direct assessment of its oft-misconstrued relationship. Birdman & Lil’ Wayne (AKA what’s left of Cash Money) show us the darker side of parenting down by that Nolia in “Stuntin’ Like My Daddy.” [watch it now]
Help me find my daddy.
Lil’ Wayne. Let me help you out… brother to brother. I know it’s hard out there for a young disenfranchised urban youth. Believe me, I do. I also know what it’s like to miss your real-life skeet-and-zygote daddy. But Grimace here is not your father! I get the feeling actually stuntin like your daddy would entail disappearing on the family like the rest of our daddies. If that's the case, you just gotta do like that Temptations song. Accept that "Papa Was A Rolling Log of Shit" and move on. Don't worry. You're not alone, Weezy.
You can look up to Baby AKA Birdman AKA The #1 Stunna, (did I leave any aliases out?) but damn, son. I’m starting to worry. I guess that back room in the pool house is more than a little nigga ever thought he’d have, huh? Dammit, Weezy… you ARE the franchise. Thus, you should have your own shit. Come by the office. I will lay this shit out for you like Unfufu.
I want HAFF, Baby! HAFF!!!
Shit, you cook, clean, do the rappin, tickle his balls, and run the bathwater among other poolboy responsibilities. You deserve as much!
Do y’all think these niggas got enough tattoos? Jesus! You would think Wayne could get himself locked up and break Turk out of prison with a layout like that. Then again... is Turk worth the effort?
Speaking of body art, I ain’t never seen nobody rapping and nodding while getting a neck tattoo. I understand why Baby’s got no clothes on, but why is his artist Fernando naked too? Hmmm. I wonder.
Eh, I shouldn’t try to burst a nigga’s fantasy. Family is family. If he took you from a boy to a man, then Phil is your father. I just wonder what Baby’s real children feel. Maybe we'll have to get them on the show to talk it out. They probably feel like Maury cases.
Posted by Ron Mexico at 10:47 AM | Comments (301)
October 23, 2006
Monday Madness: Foxxy vs. The Board of Education
This sums it up pretty nicely. This is pretty much why Ronaldinho has a job "hattin."
Educate yourselves, fuckers.
Here's a better look at the scenario.
Stay in school.
Posted by Ron Mexico at 10:21 AM | Comments (23)
October 20, 2006
Jay-Z - "Show Me What You Got" video
Talk to 'em, [Prince] Charles.
Today on Maaaaahsterpiece Theatre we have F. Gary Gray in Monaco delivering yet another cinematic tour de force with Jay-Z, some redneck NASCURRR drivers and a gang of caramel-skinned life partners in “Show Me What You Got.” [watch it now] The King of the Koopa Troppers has returned, and he’s feeling hella frisky.
You niggas better eat your magic mushrooms and fire flowers.
I've noticed... Jay just likes to make white people do things. What the fuck is that chocolate monkey doing in the car with a fine, upstanding Caucasian citizen like Dale, jr. anyway? Danica Patrick can do whatever she want with her fine ass. I’d even tell her about the herpes upfront. Ron Mexico wanna play that one honest.
This is how Jay-Z emerges from a summer in Beyonce’s rejuvenation chamber, huh? I knew her feminie nether-regions had special powers. Ponce de Leon was about half a millennium early. This shit is like “How Jigga Got His Groove Back.”
I see Mr. Carter still has a little “Big Pimpin’” left in him. Still gotta splash the hoes on the speedboat, don'tcha, Hovito?
Jay-Z really thinks he a fuckin movie star or some shit. This shit is "In My Lifetime" on a consistent diet of steroids and caviar. He’s getting more and more Will Smith by the minute. Nigga forgot he was Joe Camel. Look for Jay-Z, Forest Whitaker, Omar from "The Wire" (Michael K. Williams) in “All In The Game.” Coming Soon to a Magic Johnson Theater near you.
So do all of Jay-Z’s party scenes now have to look like a lame ass Heineken commercial?
Speaking of commercial. Nigga’s favorite drink became Budweiser from Heineken real fast, didn’t it?
I feel like we lost a piece of Jay-Z with this new and improved, corporate Shawn Carter guy. I kinda miss the awkward dude with the leather jackets and nervous gaze. I guess shit changes over time. Can’t be the same nigga you were 10 years ago, can you? Should you?
Cough up a lung. Where I’m from? Harlem, sonnnnnn!!!
Posted by Ron Mexico at 10:02 AM | Comments (259)
October 19, 2006
Puff Daddy feat. Mase - "Can't Nobody Hold Me Down" video (w/ bonus)
A nigga like me been had his PhD. What I wouldn't give to be wearing that phone.
In honor of clown-ass Diddy week on SOHH, Throwback Thursday is none other than Puff Daddy and Mase’s “Can’t Nobody Hold Me Down.” [watch it now] While everyone seemed to refer to it as “sampling,” this was Puff in all of his greasy, shiny, biting, puppet-master, ghetto vampire glory.
Biggie and Eddie Griffin in the beginning was a nice touch. Big told Ed to clip the dutch. If you’re wondering why Eddie didn’t look high, it’s because his tolerance and taste had already evolved to the next level. (If you catch my drift.)
What’s up with the sweatsuits in the desert, Puffy? The Touchdown King has an excuse. He’s never been allowed to dress himself. You told Mrs. Betha (very slowly) that you’d take care of her special boy when you took him from 134th street. This is not taking care of that slobberknocker. He gon’ catch pneumonia and you’re gonna get the slowest chastising ever. It’s gonna hurt. I’m telling you.
I love these late-90s X-Men Danger Room videos they did. While we can’t see it (because it’s a holo-sim) my guess is that they look like they set the Danger Room to “Blue Oyster Bar” and are trying to navigate their way from shirtless bartender Rodrigo to the bathroom.
While they may dance like it, neither of them has to pee.
If you were wondering about Puffy and the one Michael Jackson leather glove, it’s full of the leftover S-Curl from the can he just used. Gotta keep it sawffffff-T for the grand finale. Again. Mason is slow and was convinced that he should get a prostate exam at 22.
I’m trying to figure out exactly how many scenarios can Puffy and Mase find it appropriate to mirror dance. I counted 7 so far. I’m sure they left a couple of private ones out…. or at least for the unrated version. (i.e. Dr. Puffy’s office)
For your further viewing pleasure, I found a rarer, far more self indulgent Batman & Slobbin video with Carl Thomas (who looks like what Michael Jackson turned into in "Thriller"). If someone could make me a movable .gif file of the little 2-step move that Puff and Mase do around 00:58, I will be their friend forever!
And yes… Puffy is trying to make you dizzy. He doesn’t eeeeeeven know howwwww to stop. Niggas need to get up off the god-damn floor.
Obviously, this video is Marbury-approved.
Posted by Ron Mexico at 10:23 AM | Comments (30)
October 18, 2006
Greg P. - "By My Side" video
Last season we discovered Greg P. in the depths of Blastro hell. Second only to CHG the Unfadable Negro, Greg P has got to be about the worst rapper we’ve ever covered. Of course, keeping in the spirit of honoring your requests, Naptown’s Finest has a new video for me to poop on. “By My Side” [watch above] gotta be bout the steamiest pile of zebra shit I’ve ever been forced to witness.
This is exactly what we need on hump day.
Ah, sweet sepia. When you need to make your music video “different” just put the sepia filter on the bum-ass camcorder and you're in business, baby.
The first name I settled on calling Gregory was Touchdown 50. However, this nigga may not even be touchdown. This is 4th and Goal on the 1. At least CHG’s excuse is that he’s Belgian. This nigga here is from this continent but sounds like a first-generation tube sock dealer. (Oh, you know what I’m getting at.)
While I really don’t give a damn about the next man’s sexual orientation, Greg P. sounds certified batty. Listen to him on the steps before his tragic shooting. The nigga sounds like he just ordered 2 dick sandwiches and a man-shake. 2 straws, please!
What the fuck? This nigga supposed to be a kingpin sittin on some damn steps ordering coke on a cell phone? He deserved every .22 slug that passed through his bitchmade frame. Look at the girl. She ain’t even worried. She’s like “Damn Greg. You actin like you gonna die and shit! It was just Little Rondell and them with the .22 again.” Show My Bread?! Sheeeeeeeeit, partner.
He really played himself by getting his sister to be his love interest too. That’s not a good look, my nigga. I know times is hard and you’re obviously terrible at this in every manner possible, but go find you a female that ain’t related to you. It can’t be that hard. (Though, I don’t really envision women who aren’t bound to him by blood giving dude the time of day.)
Don't videos this horrible usually have bitches jumpin around? I feel like Greg P. owes me a stooch print on the screen or something. I mean, I literally got NOTHING from this video except the righteous indignation to tell teenage parents to just consider the hot soup trick on the baby. This nigga should have caught the piping hot chicken noodle soup with a soda on the side at around 6 minutes old.
At the end dude looks straight up like Gary Coleman. Unfortunately, I am certain Gary not only lays down better verses, but could also play a more convincing gangster. I can't believe that here on this overcrowded planet there are assclowns like Greg P. taking up space and breathing the white man's precious air.
Gregory. Hang it up. Or at least hang yourself with your belt.
…and you always cook spaghetti.
Posted by Ron Mexico at 10:14 AM | Comments (27)
October 17, 2006
Midweek Madness: Give Me The Night
Y'all little motherfuckers ain't up on this George Benson shit! Young ass niggas need to bounce, rock, rollerskate!
"Give Me The Night" is still that shit.
Say something to me when you can play like GB... on some fuckin rollerskates.
talkinvideos@sohh.com
Posted by Ron Mexico at 10:04 AM | Comments (81)
October 16, 2006
Flavor of Love: Now That We've Found Love...
--what are we gonna dooooooooo....?
Season 2 of Flavor of Love has finally come to a close. We anxiously await the Reunion Special/Ho Bowl in a week or two and we can finally put all of this shit behind us once and for all, I hope. While the championship bout of Delishis vs. CB4 didn’t provide the same amount of sparks as last year’s throwdown with latter bird and Hoopz, we still got a finale that touches every part of the viewer…
including the gag reflex.
New York’s mama, "Miss Michelle" AKA ManBearPig made a last ditch effort to rescue her spawn from the clutches of Broke Loki. I do understand that. It’s paternal instinct to NOT wanna see your child get used up for television like a soiled tampon. But daaaamn, Miss Michelle… If you were any good at this thing called parenting, you’d know the name of the game. Your bitch chose Flav. You would also know that you look just got beat out for a role on "The Jeffersons."
I was thoroughly amazed that Flavor Flav could get away with calling someone a test tube baby when the nigga looks like he was biogenetically engineered to keep car engine parts from grinding together.
After it’s safe to leave the mansion (as ManBearPig has crawled back to its cave in Syracuse), Flavor packs up his favorite toothbrush/shank/makeshift pipe and tells his Disney Bobblehead bitch and Lela Rochon: Da Monstarr Version get ready to fly to Belize with dude. Oh, yes. Gotta know Daddy is gonna have a time on his hands with his 2 top round bitches on the brink of Bloodsport.
I don’t know about Snakes, but there was definitely Horse on the Got Damn Plane!
So, New York refered to the nine Mexicans that went crazy when they got off the plane as “complete pandemonium?” Let me help this sick, delusional bitch out. They was goin crazy because they though if they beat the shit out of you and Flavor with a stick some candy and shit would come out. Don’t flatter yourself, poo-putt.
I like the wardrobe selection in Belize. Delishis had on more mesh than Shabba. Her netting attire for damn sure was NOT dolphin-safe. I forgot Devonte had her some puppies! I guess I forgot about them skretchin marks from earlier in the season too.
Sad Moment of Realization: "Flavor of Love 2" IS actually sponsored by Popeye’s! Wow. I couldn’t even write no shit like that. Well… yes, I could.
New York don’t know nothing about nothing but being ready for the show. She ain’t prepared to dance, crush grapes, shower, swim, run, or perform any normal human activity that doesn’t involve a fucking curling iron. I love how the episode’s first set of tears come when the Wicked Bitch of the West gets wet. I too would lament the fear of drowning… the horse I’m wearing.
New York needed only to show Flavor that she was more than backseat backshots, but that she’s on-the-bed backshots as well. Unfortunately, she showed her that she was no different from Robert Guillaume in drag… AKA her moms. Unfortunately, it took cloudy ass Flavor 2 whole seasons to see that.
Simpin ain't easy.
In a touching and tearful display, Flavor kicked Tiffy to the curb once again and was met with the response that is far better to receive immediately as you break a foot off in a broad ass than when you’re already invested some real time and sperm into her. Let’s hope we don’t see Delishis in the new Lil Keke video getting that liquid bling on her back.
I guess out of the possibilities of this season Flavor and Delishis makes the most sense. Nigga got a broad and a bodyguard in one. Finally thinking on your toes, Drayton! Now go beat on them cheeks until some p-puh-pigeon milk come out.
Oh, don’t cry for me just yet, Argentina. We still have the Pro Bowl/Royal Rumble coming up very very soon. I’ll leave you with my parting thoughts then. In the meantime, I’m taking bets for the over/under on when Delishis wakes the fuck up and finds her a man that she can’t grind up and inhale if ever she decided to get on top during sex. Flavor just need to keep hittin it from the back and grabbin onto them keloids like a climbing wall.
Might as well do something with them shits, right? Them ain’t bullet wounds. The tats ain’t gonna do it.
Posted by Ron Mexico at 11:40 AM | Comments (121)
October 13, 2006
Lloyd Banks feat. 50 Cent - "Hands Up" video
Oh, you know I love G-Unit time!
I’ve never had the pleasure of discussing a Lloyd Banks video though. “Hands Up,” [watch it now] the warning flare for his new project whose name escapes me is a pretty solid track with dope flows, yadda yadda. Fuck all that. There’s something screwy about this damn video. We’re gonna get to the bottom of it ton-noooiiiiight.
Oh yeah. I remember the name of dude’s album now. GO COP THAT BLOOD MONEY!!!!
Look at 40 Cent and Banks dancing around like Puffy and Kenny “Sky” Walker. Banks look like the nigga got a blood transfusion or something. Look at that animation! 50 said, “Let there be life,” and the yellow meat puppet moved. I’ll take it! Anything is better than the wallflower he used to be.
Niggas call Jay-Z a camel? Shit, Lloyd Banks is a close-ass runner up for Desert Horse of the Year, then. I bet he got sand in his jeans right now. He moves like it, anyway. He might got Jay beat in the soup cooler department too. If not, again... a close second.
Maybe what’s wrong with this picture is that homie is definitely doing the Fabolous on steroids thing. The rhyme scheme on this one is eerily familiar, just spit a little more gruff. Banks and Fab like the new Patty Duke or some shit. One seems to have a farther reaching ghetto pass though. That’s what happens when your boss got shot nine times. (Do I have the number of gunshot wounds right?)
At this rate, do they need Young Buck anymore? They won’t very soon. Buck bout the most inconsistent nigga I ever heard and Banks is an excellent mule to have in the stable… umm… sorry… camel. Won’t make that mistake again.
This is a pretty simple video. No real complaint except that Banks’ newfound energy is a tad on the side of frightening. You gotta wonder who put the battery in his back for this kind of personality adjustment. You also gotta wonder why this video looks like niggas done took over the Zangief level of Street Fighter II. But other than that… really… we cool.
Hashim would have paid money to hear me say something semi-positive about the G-G-G-G-GEE YOU KNIT!!!
M.O.P. in stores now!
Is that right?
Posted by Ron Mexico at 10:22 AM | Comments (889)
October 12, 2006
69 Boyz - "Tootsee Roll" video
This ain’t the butterfly, it’s the Tootsee Roll.
I never could tell the difference. Just like quarter waters. You close your eyes and they all taste the same. 69 Boyz, 95 South… what-the fuck-ever! Tootsee Roll [watch it now] distinguished itself from the pack to me, though. I could never explain why, but I always felt this one a little harder than the other non-Luke booty bass tracks.
The world was indeed a Tootsee Roll for a few months, wasn’t it you hockey jersey with no undershirt wearin motherfucker? Nigga look like a bamma ass LT with no bitches and no muscles. Just because you do coke and be on TV don’t mean you an entertainer, nigga. Other acceptable comparison jokes include: Wedge from Class Act.
Oooh, a Penny Hardaway jersey! Back when he had kneecaps! Damn, one of few NBA players I actually feel bad for. Nigga was supposed to be the next Magic. He had Little Penny and Big Tyra on his lap. Now what’s he got? Honey Comb cereal! Oh, how the S-Curl has fallen.
Gotta love the Jamaican-esque color clash we deemed acceptable back then. I know it was 1994, but down there niggas was on some other shit too.
Didn’t one or two of these niggas go on to bigger and better things, i.e. Three 6 Mafia? (…and no, that’s not a joke about some of these niggas being both crunchy AND black.)
Whoever’s the trick I think I see… She does the Tootsee Roll for me.
Posted by Ron Mexico at 10:06 AM | Comments (20)
October 11, 2006
Anthony Hamilton - "Sista Big Bones" video
I fouuuund youuu.... Ms. Big Booty!
See, the problem here is, I don’t even get that bullshit message of treating all of God’s children like they look the same from this jawn. This ain’t shit but a fetish sawng. Anthony Hamilton is on some old: "Sista Big Bones [watch it now]… can I walk you to Sizzler? I know I can get a BJ if I lay down my steak and shrimp game proper like."
Look at Anthony 3000 with the Undercover Brother templates. Is this "Barbershop" or "Car Wash," nigga? Let us know. I’m genuinely confused. I think we're all in the presence of So So Def’s “Love Below.” I feel bad watching it. There is definitely a battery in his back and a stick up his ass. I wish his talent were enough to get him by. It should be. He’s just about the best thing to happen to contemporary Rap & Bullshit. (Thank de lawd that Jaheim/Cam’ron shit will never come to fruition.)
I’m more confused by the thought of Mo'nique as a protagonist. She keep that hair up with Popeye’s.
Have you ever seen a nigga “Big Girl Open?” One of them niggas that love nothing more than some Angie Stone gul walkin by. Nostrils get all wide like they been starving. There’s no cure for that shit. It’s worse than White Fever. I told y’all. I got an uncle who got like 5 kids with a chick who look like ODB after he came out of prison. She got a dark-skinned friend look like Michael Jackson.
“I’d like to keep your body warm.” Shit, Mo’Nique will pan fry your dick if you let her get the full friction on. Tread at your own risk, my nigga.
I want you big girls out there reading this to know I’m just playing. More than anything I just like to take shots at Mo’Nique (who is neither cute nor funny) whenever possible. Ronaldinho likes his girls with somethin to ‘em for sure. One time I was gettin down with a skinny girl and I saw the imprint of the churro up under her ribcage. That’s when I had to officially change the game, ya know?
Posted by Ron Mexico at 3:55 AM | Comments (37)
October 10, 2006
Flavor of Love: Bring It Back
If VH1 can trick you with a bullshit week of review, so can we!
In case you haven't been following, or need that extra little battery in your back going into the "Flavor of Love 2" season finale, this bud's specifically for you. If you don't give a nann notta damn about a recap, this bud's also got footage from the interviews we didn't run so far. Who dropped dime? Who got shit on? Who needs that lip chap? Hmmmm.... I wonder.
In the first episode, Sumthin dropped a Ninja Turtle skull on the floor. Sapphyri stole on a broad for what looked to be no god damn reason, but we got to hear from her about it. [Listen to highlights here.]
Episodes 2-5 Flavor Flav fulfilled his product placement obligation to KFC at least sevenfold. Hey, might as well choose a product that you’re just gonna fuck with anyway. If crackblunts were legal, he’d be holding those up and smiling too. Spunkee made a scene inside the house and out. She also didn’t hold back on Mexico Time. [Listen to highlights here.]
If ypu believe that the houses featured on this show belong to either Flavor or fucking Warren G… fuck it. You’re the reason there was a season 2. You probably would have cleaned the shit for a chance to be on television, too.
Krazy earns a Flavor Saturday Night Special. What is that you say? That’s a trip to KFC in a limo and a skeet and soot soak with Flavor AKA Black Bath Beads. Drawers were removed, and I don’t even want to think about or suggest what went down next.
As the remaining hoes made their best video ho impersonations for Flavor’s esteemed rapper and player guests, Like Dat got her big ass booted for not one, but twp consecutive party fouls. First of all, you don’t do the Sea World splash at the party. There are less primal methods of displaying your sexy to the world. It ain’t a room full of sea lions. Secondly, you don’t trap Flavor in his room and completely cover his bed with your big girl drawers. You’re trying to walk into it, but you’re walking into it. Sexyback for the big girls had something to let y’all know. [Listen to highlights here.]
Of course, Flavor can’t stand the notion of going through this entire season and not inserting his penis into a female, so who does he bring back to the house? Hoopz! No, just kidding. The only woman aside from Stallone’s Loch Ness Monster that would dare taste the chick-o-pipe, New York. It’s all good. I think they like each other so much because they both enjoy that boy boy. Homegirl came back looking like that’s all she had done in the offseason. She got on her Darryl Strawberry for season 2.
My new favorite term was coined in the Civil Body Poli-trick episode. To call New York “a bobblehead bitch” is some evil genius shit the likes of which I wish I had conceived earlier. I bet this episode was the first time any of these girls had ever voted. Buckeey could have stuck around if she didn’t let the hood get the best of her and try to assassinate Krazy. Hear what homegirl had to say. [Listen to highlights here.]
Flavor took Krazy and Delishis onto what should have been Bangboat vol. 2. Unfortunately, the donkey of the episode went below deck (and not in a good way.) Without competition, Krazy could play it safe. Unfortunately she decided she would unveil her singing talents to Flavor. I sent VH1 the bill for the 44” crack in my television screen too.
Much like how last season ended, Flavor got to meet the parents of the final few contestants. He’d already exchanged pleasantries with New York’s folks, but Delishis and Krazy’s clans were something completely new. Delishis moms was definitely in "The Fifth Element". I just watched the DVD again last night to make sure. NY’s pops needs to be dragged out by his shag and beaten. I wondered where his balls went until I realized that his daughter and wife must have one around each of their necks. They might be using them to make testosterone soup.
There’s only a little more Flavor left. As usual, I got your back on the finale. I just can’t wait for this dumb shit to be over. I already feel less black for having endured 2 seasons.
Posted by Ron Mexico at 10:28 AM | Comments (563)
October 9, 2006
Monday Madness: I Pity The Fool!
Since Flavor of Love didn't air a new episode, but only highlights... in honor of the new coon coming to reality TV, I thought we'd have a look at Mr. T's job search.
This some classic SNL right chea.
Don't do milk!
Happy Columbus day... or some slavemaster shit like that.
Posted by Ron Mexico at 10:14 AM | Comments (179)
October 6, 2006
Ludacris feat. Pharrell - "Moneymaker" video
After a spell into the world of acting and other shit that rappers eventually do once they get a taste for that camera, Ludacris returns with his pet chimp Pharrell to bring us “Moneymaker,” [watch it now] a song and video that after two listens and views, I have to call complete boo boo juice. I love to see fine womenses like the next man, but damn. I feel like I’m watching the Ho Shopping Network.
I now understand why the Pussytrap Dolls had to "perform" this with them at the VMA.
I’d have to say The Man in the Yellow Skin trained his mini ape well. They straight up skipped organ grinder. George is ready for the big screen… and BITCHES! Man, I wish they had this adventure in paperback when I was growing up. Thank de lawd we can show it to our children now, though.
I know Cris Lova Lova’s got hoes in different area codes, but damn… when is enough enough? Has a rapper ever watched the final edit and been like “Damn, man… maybe this is just a few too many bitches?” I’d think the cost alone per spandex slave would make a nigga think twice, being that he has to pay the label back for the trimmage. Ah, sweet American culture of excess. This video is like the Super Size Me of hoes. Eh, no wait. I’m thinking about the Ying Yang video where they went swimming in a sea of chlamydia like Stooch McDuck.
As a Ludacris fan, I’m highly disappointed by this bum-ass song. However, I’m far more incensed by this video. Ludacris is known for excellent videos. This is not how you lead your shit off, holmes. Wait, what the fuck am I saying? Didn’t he just take the #1 spot on the charts this week? I forgot where I was for a moment. This is exactly how you do it. Nevermind.
Like Busta, this haircut thing is working for Luda. He looks less like a Disney caricature and more like Stephen A. Smith. Shit, it works. Now we need to run them clippers to T-Pain and see if he’ll stop bouncing around like he just got the unrated "Queer as Folk" DVD set for half-price.
Luda, I’m ashamed. I expected so much more. But I’m more upset with myself for said expectations being so high.
P.S.: Niggas need to keep the Neptune chimp out of their videos for a little while. If I have to cover another video with this leprechaun in it, I think I’m gonna just pick a middle school and open fucking fire.
Posted by Ron Mexico at 10:08 AM | Comments (203)
October 5, 2006
The Notorious B.I.G. - "Warning" video
Who the fuck is this…?
Ah, we all know the lyrics. How long has it been since you’ve seen the video for “Warning?” [watch it now If it’s been a while, you’re missing plenty. It’s got a very gangsta Puffy as the ever-responsible “Pop from the Barbershop,” guns, bitches, cereal, toothpaste and titty shots. Gotta love "Ready To Die," and a hostile, energetic Notorious B.I.G.
Who cares if the titties belong to mens?
I know it’s merely a testament to how little he cares about public perception of his appearance… but god damn, Big? Who the fuck told you it was a good idea for a chocolate sea-lion such as yourself to wear a silk handkerchief to bed? Fuck that, my nigga. You can get down like that if you want. You can go commando for all I care. Better question: Who the fuck told you to film that shit? No matter how cool or how dope a rapper you are, don’t nann notta nigga wanna see that. Trust me.
Not even the hizzoes lying next to you in that bed. They're on commission.
Ah yes, you have to appreciate the gritty realism of this video. The blatant crack and gun talk on the phone. Brushing your teeth and eating cereal before the jackers come to get you. Again… bitches lying on your handkerchief/pasties in the bed.
The Scarface video game is coming out. Lest we forget the balcony scene at the end where Biggie Montana peels off at like 30 niggas coming for him without moving from one spot... or really having to reload. Yes, I love it!
For some reason, none of us seemed to care how ridiculous this video was back then. I dunno, maybe it was because we loved this nigga’s flow that damn much. Rest in peace, Poppa. This is most certainly in loving remembrance of the notorious, glorious one. But don’t think we can’t plug you, holmes.
Hold on… I hear somebody comin!
P.S.: Who killed Bigge Smalls? If we don't get them, they gon' get us all.
Posted by Ron Mexico at 10:08 AM | Comments (234)
October 4, 2006
Midweek Madness: Borat's Guide to Wine
Classic Ali G Show clip... in honor of the full-length Borat film about to drop, here's one of my favorite moments!
Don't feel bad, Borat. If it ain't Champale, most niggas don't know what to do with it either.
He is your slave?
Posted by Ron Mexico at 10:01 AM | Comments (9)
October 3, 2006
Flavor of Love: Slingin the Shit with Sumthin!
We gonna throwback to episode one of Season 2. This week’s featured "Flavor of Love" contestant is Sumthin. Much as I did in the interview, candidly and without respite… let’s get right into this shit!... So to speak [listen to the interview here].
Homegirl has plenty to say.
Ron Mexico: I don’t even wanna beat around the bush. We can be as frank and whatever as we want… You shit on the floor. Wh-what happened?
Sumthin (Lovely): Ugh! Well… For the 30,000th time… As some of us know, when you mix your alcohols that really ain’t a good outcome on a lot of things. What I did was… mixed every liquor possible. I didn’t eat all day and I was just so excited to be in the house… My stomach was full of nothing but liquor and no food.
As elimination time came, she began to perspire uncontrollably. She thought Flavor was going to come down momentarily, but we know how niggas be. Even with a big ass clock around his neck, Flavor ain’t the most timely motherfucker out. As wasted as she was, she had no control, and the rest is television history. We’ve had some other hypotheses as to why the shit was able to escape, but of course, she didn’t cite any of those.
I'd like to take this time to issue a public service announcement to the children out there:
RM: For all you kids out there, I want y’all to know… that is how you liquidate your assets. Watch what you drinkin. Don’t be mixin the lights with the darks with the champagnes with the Champales with the Colt 45s…
SL: Ugh. My god! Don’t do it! Please! You do NOT wanna cause "a Sumthin."
RM: Ugh… Now, see. It’s "a Sumthin!"
She wants to make it very clear that the shit was not intentional. It was reassuring to hear that it was for attention. I don’t know who the fuck would want to be known for the shit heard ‘round the world. Sumthin also dropped the dime that Bootz is a fellow shitter. According to Sumthin, Bootz, who attacked her about shitting, cited her most embarrassing moment as shitting herself at a party in the audition tape.
RM: You see how she be shakin her ass, right?
SL: She probably shook it out!
She had plenty of less than choice words for Bootz and her “square” ass. However, I saw it as a fine time to address what we heard she does with her own ass.
RM: Some of the other girls saying that you did some adult entertainment. Is that true?
SL: Of course. I did it when I was 18. Seven years ago. Sure did. I’d love for them to find something recent… Then maybe I’d feel bad.
RM: So you ain’t in the game no more? You out the game?
SL: Oh, I been out the game. I did it one time ‘cause I needed some money.
She cites being a latch-key child on parental lockdown as her primary reason for doing porn. People do a lot of shit to rebel against their folks. Sumthin chose the dick sandwich in public, I guess. I asked for the site off the record, too.
Completely unrelated to porn, Sumthin, yet again, proudly exclaims that she likes women more so than men.
RM: So you was on Flavor of Love to find Flavor or to find women?
SL: Oh nooooo! Oh, none of them. Hell no! I ain’t like none of them.
RM: Not even Krazy?
SL: Noooo. She too skinny. I like big girls! I like somebody my size or… bigger… I like meat!
I shudder to think. Maybe she and Like Dat could have had some thumpin sessions. GASP! Maybe they DO! Gotta check that Flavor of Love Season 2 DVD.
RM: Couldn’t you use Flavor Flav like dental floss or a thong or something? He’s a little dude!
SL: I liked him because he was so unique.
RM: You definitely gonna be unique fuckin with Flavor Flav. You’ve seen this man track record… Talk about a unique dude, you definitely ain’t gonna find a nigga like Flavor.
SL: Or ME! It’s hard to find a person like me ‘cause my ass is CRAZY!… Y’all ain’t seen the mad, angry shitty part—
RM: We saw the shitty part! We saw the shitty part!!!
Life after Flavor entails acting, modeling and talk shows for our dear friend Sumthin. She is actively losing weight, citing that she doesn’t look the same as she did on the show. Homegirl also claims to be getting a lot of looks from the fellas in the wake of the show. Amazingly enough, unlike Flavor, niggas can get over the shit thing. Maybe more frighteningly, they might be into that sort of thing.
After yakking it up with this woman for over 30 minutes, I came to understand that, yes, she’s stone cold nuts, but like DMX (when he's not on the white donkey), in person, she’s far more “normal” than I’d expected. Look for her on your TV screen, the big silver one, and on her MySpace.
Posted by Ron Mexico at 10:17 AM | Comments (211)
October 2, 2006
Flavor of Love: Y Tu Mama Tambien
VH1's special presentation of "Flavor Family Values" last night really helped me to put what's important in life into proper perspective. I give thanks every god damn day that not myself nor nann notta woman in my immediate family is throwed enough to compete on this program. Last season Hoopz and her mom tried to gas Foofy with the 2-for-1 game. This season, Flavor had the surprise. The remaining contestants and their families met Flavor and Bebe's kids.
So... Krazy ain't got a male figure in her life. I must say, I'm shocked. I mean... that kind of stability? You would have never known she was raised by a GLOW wrestler.
I also can't belive Krazy lets herself get scrubbed out like that all the time when she's part Ivan Drago.
So, my homegirl watched with me and told me (I shit you not) that Flavor Flav makes her pussy seal up. She even made the little vacuum noise. Brrrrr. I feel you, though!
On the other side of the couch, my homie G-Laden called Flavor a "wax raisin."
It's not just me, people. This is the voice and reaction of our nation.
Watching Krazy smoke in the backyard gave me a vision. It made me realize that Krazy will Michelle Phiffer your ass one day. "Look at you... So polluuuuuuted."
Delishis came at her with a curling iron. This bitch is really bout it. A true to life fuckin gang leader. I mean, she got Buckwild trynna ride down on me for her and everything. (I might explain that Becky situation to y'all a little bit later.) Haven't you noticed they all unequivocally support her? She like Kareem Said up in that bitch! Plus, she's getting extra energy from Flavor skeeting on her keloids. Ni99a gave them extra protein to survive. I wouldn't be fuckin with Devonte.
I'm sorry to be rippin on people's mamas, but Delishis' mom is straight out of The Fifth Element. What the fuck is that shit in the middle of her hairline? Is that a starfish? Look like she went face first into the buffet at Red Lobster.
NY's mom wanted to scrap because she was told there would be KFC and cognac. When she ain't see that Popeye's on the fucking table she lost it. Y'all saw the stormclouds surrounding horseface? Oh, man. That bitch look like the Denver Broncos' helmet.
Flavor was about to steal on NY's mom too. She shoulda never put her hands on him. Don't she know Flavor done time in every jail in the Greater New York area? He will shank her ass with a toothbrush while Lou Rawls watches like the bitch that he is.
Mom pulled every trick in the book. "Did he pick you?"... "I have a rare terrible African disease called Yakicitis."
Can you take the whole 10, Krazy? Even a Bebe's Kid can see through her half-a-J. Lo ass.
Flavor has one daughter I really like. The one that looks just fucking like him is pretty sharp. He also has a daughter named "Designer." So that's -- 4 points.
Flavor looked like a blackface version of himself at that magic show. I ain't got much to say about that segment except that's when the show took a serious turn for the "Being Bobby Brown." Then it got kinda X-rated. Y'all saw that trick! When the guillotine dropped, Flavor inserted into Delishis.
Did y'all see the near Royal Rumble by the pool? Whitney and Dionne Whorewick didn't want no part of that Puerto Rican Strikeforce. Krazy's mom was gonna do it by the rules too. Homegirl was waitin for a tag.
Flavor... You a genius, nigga! You're on TV! Y'all saw how he hinted at the Bamboozlement? Nigga said... I went from convict to top-rated cable star pimpin these hoes. Who's the dummy? Heh. You might not be a dummy, nigga... but you are a c--. No. I promised my mama I wouldn't say it for one blog.
After elimination, my homie EOB pointed out that the nigga is wearing the Russell Stovers candy box lining!
At the end of it all. It took this nigga like 10 weeks to sniff out the lie... No... Sorry. It took him 10 weeks to wear out the Krazy nana. You're done, Krazy. You better take that demo to Father MC. I think he's gettin a show on The Negro Channel.
Well... Here we have it. The main event. What we've all been waiting for! New York vs. Delishis for all the heatrocks! I can't fucking wait.
I didn't use the word "coon" once today, either. I did it, mom!
Posted by Ron Mexico at 9:49 AM | Comments (71)