(Serious Warning: Parental Advisory. This blog features some sexually explicit content. This is the DERRRTY version, Derrty!)
This blog is NOT work-safe. It's not even home-safe if you don't live alone with drapes and headphones. The shit's just not safe, okay! This is some indubitable, unimpeachable filthy shit. There's a lot of hamhock and roast beef curtain in this here jawn.
Nelly and his band of merry niggas live out their strip club/porn fantasies in 2003's "Tip Drill." [watch above] This throwback is actually thrown. I'm not a fan of such objectification of women, but since it's been requested for so long, we gotta talk about it.
I must say, I had to take a shower after I first saw this video. Not because I made a mess in my pants, but because my girlfriend at the time threw up on me when she saw all that cank stoochie. Then I threw up because I got thrown up on. That's right... My first and only case of sympathy vomit came during a Nelly video at 3:30 AM. I'm sure all the white russians we had that night didn't help.
Okay... Now it's time to play one of our favorite games! It's called "What's (S)he Fucked Up On?" Today's subject is comedian/video hype-nigga extraordinaire Shawty.
My guess?: Based on the intro alone, Shawty's roasted on at least 4 blunts (2 of them cropdusted), 9 Hennessey and colas, a couple X pills, and at least one line of coke.
Still, Shawty is easily the best part of this video. Whut my naaaayme is? Come on. The nigga's build-up to the "Grandmamas Gone Wild" quip shows that even slizzard out of his mind, he can still craft a joke pretty damn well. I respect that. I been there, Shawty. Shit, sometimes I'm there when I write these. (Sometimes I have to be.)
So this nigga Nelly got on a Vikings jersey, huh? That's funny because this shit looks like it ends up in a Minnesota Vikings Bang Boat type of situation. *Prince deep voice* "Why don't you go purify yourself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka?"
I am pretty amazed by the cameos in this shit. David Banner. I love you, but you're one confused nigga. Every other second he talkin that positive shit to the kids, which I love. I think the nigga is one family tragedy away from becoming Pastor David Banner. Hmmm... maybe that's why he's so down for these smut videos. He may be preparing for a career in the clergy. Okay, Nevermind Banner. The shit makes sense now.
Jermaine Dupri! Oh, lawd! Penny from Good Times let Michael leave Florida Evans' house to go throw money in Wilona's crotch at the Kitty Kat Club? Wow. Having Janet Jackson as a girlfriend must be the SHIT. I heard she done got chunky now. That's what's up! Now her dome game must be ridonculous. Good work, you colored lawn ornament!
"Ron, why you so mad? They let the girls talk shit about the dudes too! Didn't you hear the 4 bars they gave that one girl who was grindin down Nelly's boner tent?"
Sure they give an attempt at reciprocity, but you can't even front like these girls are coming from a platform or position of respect at ANY point during this composition. I see nothing but meatsicles with multiple baby-daddies. I think I even seen Fantasia Barrino in the hot tub freakin off. Once you have the audacity [and maniacal genius] to swipe a credit card down the crack of someone's ass, you've successfully dehumanized their position... Not just in the video, but in life as well.
Nelly, about the infamous credit card swipe. Were you a nursing assistant or something? I used to work in a hospital with old people, and I must say, that's how we used to get stool samples for testing. Your technique was flawless my nigga. Where'd you learn that shit? Also, I damn sure hope you burned that card. You're gonna give some poor ATM gonorrhea. Some liquor store clerk is gonna bring chlamydia home to his wife on his fingers. Niggas really have to think about the reprecussions of their actions!
Before I roll, I have to shout out one of the funniest things I've ever heard in my entire life. That nigga Shawty told one of the video hoes that she didn't have to worry about getting pregnant by him because soon as he skeeted, he'd suck the shit right back out. "*SSSSSLUUUURRRRRP!* Whoooo! That's a boy!" That is truly some next level shit. Shawty, you carved your way into history with that one. Still, I don't know why they let your twisted ass handle expensive video equipment. They might as well have given that shit to Corky from Life Goes On for the day.
Shouts to Pootie Tang. If he were here he'd say the same shit. "Tippy tah on ney renny bah!"
This is definitely one of those "I can't believe you people have been requesting this for so long" videos. Thank the good folks at YouTube for the truly uncut version. Horny bastards.
Nelly, you're still a retard. But you're a touchdown with a hands-down, indubitable, unimpeachable, bonafide UnCut top 10 classic. I guess that's something to give yourself applause for. Now go run with some safety scissors.
Questions? Comments? Requests? Is it a boy or a girl? firstname.lastname@example.org
DERRTY ENT. WE ALL W E GOT!!! Well... and these hoes.