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February 28, 2006
Flavor of Love: She Get It From Her Mama!
Since Flavor Flav has already exposed these girls to mama turtle, he now gets to surprise the remaining girls by informing them that he will meet where his three finalists come from. I must say, much like Flavor's parental revelation, the similarities here are startling. Some of these girls came from a long lineage of hoes. Others are the descendants of crazy bitches. Oh, yeah... and some of them like to spit on people... and not in a sexy way.
This surprise doesn’t go over so well as Pumkin knows her mom ain’t the chillest. Combine that with the fact that she has been giving up the ass periodically to Pookie from New Jack City and you’ve got a recipe for disaster.
"You have a White mom too, Hoopz? YESSSSS!!! I knew there was a non-lesbian reason I liked you so much!"
As soon as he meets Brooke's mom, Terri they proceed to Kim's Nail Palace... operated by Mexican day laborers. “I got feet like a runaway slave.” Flavor said it. Ron didn’t. Fuck massa, LeVar Burton might have cut them shits off himself! He had an excuse for his feet to look like that though. He’d been tilling massa’s field all of his adult life. I didn’t know you could get feet like that pounding the pavement looking for 2-for-5s. I guess that’s the drawback of the fabled crackhead teleportation… them chew-toys he calls feet. By the way, that water is now officially radioactive.
When Pumkin’s mom pulled out the sheet from her pocket I thought. “Oh, my damn. She sends private fuck messages too? That’s what’s up!” Instead I regret to inform that it was merely the interrogation list.
Terri dropped 40 Cent on Pumkin’s professional reality TV ass. However, Hottie wasn’t kicked off because she was on Blind Date, right? She got kicked off because she was gold digging on Blind Date. After the blast, Terri tells Brooke to use her head. Hahaha! Too late. I’m sure Flavor had to pull the bedsheets out of his ass after the hosing he got in Palm Springs. He damn near got the salami rinse in the shower in Hoopz' presence.
Hoopz’ mother looks like an older, white version of Nikki. Flavor took this pair of hoes to Medieval Times! Look at Hoopz talking about she felt like a celebrity there. I'm really starting to believe this girl ain't been nowhere but around the block. Shit, I’d have took her ass to Flav and Buster’s. That's some Playstation, a Ballantine Ale 40oz., and a Magnum full of skeet. Apparently, Flavor is getting his MILF Hunter on at the same time as Hoopz’ moms is officially putting on the Holla Collar. She might be more appropriate anyway. She’s the one that’s 50, right?
Here comes my R. Kelly defense: Is it really wrong to tap a girl and her mama at around the same time?
I must say, of all the excuses I’ve used to get away from women, I’ve never told anyone that I had to go because I needed to take a shit. To add to the effect, he should have farted. She would have stopped squeezing him. However, this IS Pumkin we’re talking about. She might huff that shit like some nitrous.
Did you see Flavor just pick up his blunt and escape? I wonder what the hell was being blurred out on the bed if they let the damn Dutch Master through. Was it a vibrator? A crack pipe? Who knows?
We finally see Hoopz let Foofy Foofy “taste her mouf.” In his testimonial he exclaims “Great bath!” VH1 purposely excludes that he continued “Hell of an August! I really should do that shit more than just monthly.”
Sweet fuckin Jesus, as we meet New York’s parents it becomes brutally honest that “she get it from her mama.” I feel bad for all them damn CB4 jokes now. Her mom is an obvious reason for going crazy.
This is also a special event as it’s Lou Rawls’ final television appearance.
You can tell moms pre-gamed Lou Rawls and was like “Don’t you say one fucking word.” The nigga was on Big Rick status. Marginal slave talk only!
How the hell is mom duke callin CB4 fat looking like Barney just robbed the Fendi store?
Though pops was on plantation time-out, Flavor was nice enough to do something cool with him. Playing tennis was a good move. 2 birds, one stone. Nigga said he “could be the next Flavor Ashe.” Oh, Foofy. You’ve been Arthur Ashy for quite some time now.
Yuck @ New York's mom! I know she isn't thrilled at the notion of her daughter marrying a shitstreak, but damn... At the very mention of marriage she told Tiffy that she wouldn’t wife Foofy ever. I actually counted 14 "evers." She really meeean it.
What a fucking elimination ceremony, huh? I know CB4 is a crazy crazy bitch, but no one deserves to be spit on. What the fuck was Pumkin thinking? After she got Next-ed by Captain Flavor, she thought it would be a good idea to drop her Petri dish sample on NY’s chin. Stranger enough, she thought she’d be able to just walk away after spitting on a black woman. Oh, no you didn’t, bitch! Maybe that’s how shit goes down in Bakersfield, but in New York you get your shit handed to you if you spit on someone’s face. CB4 trip-tackled that bitch like she had the damn football.
My homegirl Nadiyah said: "N.Y. had the nerve to make a scene on how bad it smelled... yeah, cause it was Flav's load from five minutes earlier." Wowsers!
Good work, this is just the kind of thing that will get people rooting for NY on some real shit. See you on Shipmates, Pumkin.
Hoopz, if you wanna win next episode you probably gonna have to give it up. Or else, your mama will.
Questions? Comments? Requests? Have a freaky-ass moms? ronnie_mexxx@yahoo.com
Myspace game is in full effect. Your mom hit me up last night, actually.
Posted by Ron Mexico at 12:00 PM | Comments (142)
February 27, 2006
The Boondocks: "Riley Wuz Here" and "A Date With The Health Inspector"
Aiight, I am back. First off, apologies for the missing blog last week. I wasn’t sure with most cats having President’s Day off if anyone would be reading. Besides, I had to go pay homage to the dead presidents at Macy’s. You know they always have the fresh linens on sale during President’s Day weekend. Why, I don’t know.
Anywho, last week’s “Boondocks” episode, titled “Riley Wuz Here,” was cool. It didn’t have me rushing to the laptop. But it had its moments. The Bob Ross references were funny, if not a little creepy. I even dug the sentimental ending. (For those of you who didn’t get it, the image Riley painted was his parents’ wedding photo. Part of the premise of the show/cartoon is that he and Huey’s parents passed so they now live with Grandpa.) That said, it was an aiight episode. Feel free to hit me up if you disagree.
As for last night’s episode, it was a rerun of one my favorites, “A Date With The Health Inspector.” For those who don’t know, that was the episode that introduced Gin Rummy (voiced by Samuel L Jackson), the wild-talking, gun-toting Gulf War vet homie of Ed Wuncler III (voiced by Charlie Murphy). So, the episode got me to thinking… With “The Boondocks” recently being renewed for a second season, who are some of the guest stars that I would like to see on upcoming episodes? After a few shots of Grey Goose, I cam up with the following Top 5 (in no particular order):
1. Busta Rhymes – Maybe Busta Bus could play an MC who runs with Gangstalicious (voiced by Mos Def). Everytime something happens, Busta’s character would pop up out of nowhere and say, “I didn’t see a damn thing.”
2. Rev. Al Sharpton – Maybe Rev. Al is mad just because he hasn’t gotten the call from Aaron and Co. But what would be a commentary on Black culture be without an episode about religion. Rev. Al could the good Rev. Willie Dinero, a televangelist who comes to Woodcrest and turns out to be Grandad’s old hustler friend from back in the day.
3. Rosario Dawson – I have no idea who she would play, but she just makes everything better.
4. Tom Cruise – In a real stretch, one-half of TomKat could play an alien who comes to Earth to prove that the Scientologists are right. That is until Ed Wuncler III and Gin Rummy put the fire to that ass.
5. Kanye West – The savior of hip-hop is bound to get into acting soon. Why not cartoons? Although, knowing ‘Ye he’d want script approval, want to draw and direct the cartoon and be given executive producer credit.
Who would you like to see guest on the show? Holler at ya boy.
Dark
Posted by Dark Kent at 4:07 PM | Comments (282)
February 24, 2006
Kanye West feat. Lupe Fiasco - "Touch The Sky"
You all know I’m hard on Kanye West’s self-righteous, my shit looks and smells like a lilac forest ass. This time the self-proclaimed Savior of Hip-Hop has truly outdone himself. “Touch The Sky” [watch above] is a pretty damn good video. In quite possibly his best video to date, Evel Kanyevel bedazzles the masses with his stunts, stunts and Concrete Jungle Fever formerly deemed too taboo for 1970s NBC.
Heh, that shit still stands for Niggas Better Coon.
Everything from the credits to the camera shots to the wardrobe to the windows to the walls are pretty much authentic 1970s motion picture style. I was highly entertained. Obviously Kanye’s been dying to do a video like this. He wears these clothes any chance he can get. Shit, he might as well pay homage to the 70s in dress. They are, after all, responsible for his entire career… well, the 70s and a car wreck.
Look at him standin on the edge of the cliff, makin this shit look like a Valtrex commercial. Get herpes, kids! You’ll be on top of the world like Evel Kanegro!
I must say, the skit/cutaway portion was excellent. Traci Ross’ cameo this time was leaps and bounds funnier than her god awful French accent in the Workout Plan video. “You just want the titties? What about the ASS!” Ironically enough, I think Pamela Anderson got T-Rizzle beat in the ass department. Good call on the oft-forgotten Nia “Motherfuckin’” Long cameo.
Nia Long: “Do you know who I am, nigga?!”
Ron Mexico: “Of course I do, you’re Sanaa Lathan, right?”
You all can thank Dave Chappelle for TV being so lax on the n-word now. I get the feeling they’ve been wanting to slip that one in for quite some time, and now it’s totally cool. I’m Rick James, bitch!
Damn, Pamela got all up in Western Kenya’s mouth! That's some fucked-up repugnant shit. I wonder if she found the chestnuts. Well... she probably finds those off camera... these days.
Wow, Lupe Fiasco mentioned Lupin The Third. That’s extra props for the kid! I remember looking at that shit on adult swim at like 3am wondering what the fuck I was watching. Lupe Fiasco = Kanye with microphone skills. Poor dude look like Canibus and Cassidy went half on a baby. Nice colors for his wardrobe, though. I would have went with something similar.
For such a great video, how anticlimactic is the ending? Kanye dazzles us with such a lovely video only to set a Hot Wheels rocket on fire at the end? Everyone… BOO THIS MAN!!!
Maybe he’s saying his career could fizzle out any day and he could land short of his goals and in a slough of despair. Maybe this is a humble lesson for all of the young viewers out there. Maybe the parallels aren’t coincidental at all!
…Or maybe Kanye just didn’t want to drop any paper on special effects. He already had to find some old ass film and pay Pamela Anderson, Nia Long and Traci Ross to entertain his ego. Might not have been any money left for a CGI man to make that shit look respectable. C’est la vie!
Questions? Comments? Requests? Have you touched the sky yet today? ronnie_mexxx@yahoo.com
Touch the Myspace if you haven’t yet.
Posted by Ron Mexico at 11:12 AM | Comments (112)
February 23, 2006
Hammer - "Pumps And A Bump" (The Derrrty Version)
In Memoriam: Stanley Kirk Burrell
What can I say about this video that hasn’t already been said about Ashlee Simpson? There’s a reason why you can’t find this video anywhere. The original "Pumps And A Bump" video [watch above] is about the most shameful shit I’ve ever seen. I’m surprised the former minister-in-training didn’t get his balls struck by lightning. Who would’ve thunk it… Hammer had an UnCut video before The Negro Channel thought to degrade our culture with such a program? Blaze a 50 for our fallen hero today. In fact… roll one up and take what’s left to his widow and kids.
Shoutouts to my man Micah for the connect on video!
Damn, nigga… How you go from a remote-controlled waterfall to doin debt consilidation commercials? I blame this shit. The Funky Headhunter was the middle of the beginning of the end of Stanley’s life, career and paper flow. This is why you can’t give Oakland niggas no money! I bet just changing and disinfecting the water after this video cost a good $2 million. If he'd have hired a financial consultant instead of 750 of his not-so-closest niggas from the hood (including the dude with the spade haircut) nigga might have enough to take his kids to Jack-in-the-Box today. You know they got the best cheesecake!
As far as shameless shit goes, I don’t think even Eddie Murphy would have done this. Even after being busted with a male transvestite hooker, this would have been a new low for Ed. Funny shit, Hammer had the vocal inflection to make a really good gangster rapper. He might have been better off going that route, because this video erased ALL of the positivity he was trying to profess with his previous work. I can't even look at the "Pray" video anymore. Wait.. I never was able to stomach that shit... nevermind.
Sadly enough, aside from the rapper dressing like one of the video hoes, this is pretty much standard attire for a rap video today. Hammer himself definitely looks like he used to shake it up for singles before the rap thing jumped off. Nigga looks like a stripper named Cocoa Crispees in this damn video. (How your mama gonna name you Coco Crisp, son?)
How the hell do you go on camera with Timbs, a Speedo and workout gloves? Nigga jumpin around lookin like the Oakland Strangler. Secondly, Why isn’t Deion Sanders in THIS version of the video as well? Then we would have turned this shit up a notch! Hammer ain’t greasy enough a dude. Prime Time would have had that shit lookin like "Tip Drill". Can’t you see Deion throwin a fistful of money into Hammer’s crotch while he’s poppin it like that? We could have had a classic, people!
When this nigga does his little snake we can see his taint. That’s fucking disgusting. The Hammer snake is almost as disturbing to look at as the Prince gaze. I know this doesn’t normally refer to dudes, but Hammer gave the world a taste of his own cank stoochie. How can he breathe in that thing?
I know this was the HARD Hammer album… How can him and his homeboy act hard wearing Speedos?! “Never been a coward. Cause it’s an East Side thing./” I’ll tell you what… Nigga definitely wasn’t shook. It took a lot of balls to do this… and a damn flashlight in the drawers. So wrong!
Look closely. No one makes physicial contact with anyone else in this video. I guess Hammer couldn’t afford the platinum package from the modeling agency. Understandable when you order the 1,500 girl pack. He didn’t get the value pack either. The girls look pretty good and can dance. Hammer never did quite know how to hold back. He was a stunna, baby!
What’s up with that Hammerman dance routine at the end. Shit looks like it was choreographed by TLC. Hambone can do a hell of a lot better than that… and does in the amended version of this video.
I was never sure of this, maybe one of you could help… Is that Aaron Hall at the end looking fresh out of prison? Damn, I guess he didn’t need Deion. He probably had to fight about 12 rape charges after the video shoot on Aaron Hall’s account alone. That’s an expensive ass cameo!
Rest In Peace, Hammer. We’ll miss you and the dude with the spade haircut. In memory of his life, PLEASE shit on this nigga today. Y’all been askin for this throwback for a LONG time. You finally got it.
Questions? Comments? Requests? Guilty as hell for lovin the pumps and a bump? OWWWWWW! ronnie_mexxx@yahoo.com
If you myspace me, you could win a chance to attend the video shoot for Pastor Mason Betha’s cover of Pumps And A Bump, shot on location at 50 Cent’s house.
Posted by Ron Mexico at 9:56 AM | Comments (474)
February 22, 2006
Prince - "Black Sweat"
Awww, shit. That nigga Prince got a new video.
I don’t know if you saw this shit at 4am on MTV like I did, but wow… this nigga crazy. Black Sweat [watch it now] is actually quite tame in some ways (for a Prince video). He’s obviously trying to make good on his “no-smut” promise of a few years ago… but make no mistake, this nigga’s still out to lunch. One of the best that ever done did it returns with another video that makes you go “what the fuck?”
That Prince is one weird motherfucker. I don’t like when he looks at me like that! You know what I’m talking about. That look! The nigga looks at everybody like they’re Appolonia and they just crashed his bike into Lake Minnetonka.
The conceit of this video is definitely some new shit. When was Prince ever looking to put his milk in some cocoa puffs? I mean… some really chocolatey cocoa puffs?
If you ask Ron Mexico, Prince is the greatest recording artist of all time. Musicology was one hell of a comeback album… and now he’s right back on a major after vowing never to be a slave again. He up in this bitch looking like David Banner in the “Play” video, and his album title is a ripoff of 8701. Oh, well... at least the ladies still love him.
What keeps Prince getting women while the world makes gay jokes is his swagger. “Better take yo woman and hide her!/” Most rappers say shit like that, but you don’t really believe it. When Prince says it, you take heed. If you ain’t Awake the 5’2” ambiguously gay Jehovah’s Witness might slip ya bitch the Watchtower! (I apologize in advance for that shit.)
Another interesting choice of line: “You’ll be screamin like a white lady when I count to three./” Funny Principe chooses white lady as his template for yelling. Maybe that’s a little bit of self-hatred? Princess ain’t been a black dude since 1972. Seriously, this nigga look like my middle school English teacher, Ms. Kleinman. She’s a lesbian.
Children, if your or your lover’s sweat is black, there’s something wrong. At least that's what the white man wants us to think! Still, last time Prince seen some black sweat was when he bust Charlie Murphy’s ass in ball. However, the girl in the video looks like she might sprout some Texaco if you get her on the court.
This really looks like a cologne commercial gone terribly wrong… like Strangé or something. Oh shit! Maybe Black Sweat IS the cologne! Maybe bottled Negro perspiration is the answer to all of your fragrance needs! So that's what all that factory looking shit is behind Patrick Ewing’s house.
This nigga Prince is and always has been on his own shit. All jokes aside, I attended his last tour… I took my mother to the show, and I screamed like a white lady the whole time. It was outrageous. In terms of having the complete package (singing, producing, playing guitar, showmanship) ain’t really nobody fuckin with Prince Rogers Nelson.
Now it’s time for that Morris Day comeback. He might be able to top Black Sweat. His shit would be a lot less classy though, like Mulatto Jizz or something. (*insert Morris Day laugh*)
Questions? Comments? Requests? Would you… die for… me? ronnie_mexxx@yahoo.com
Myspace my Raspberry Beret-listenin ass.
Posted by Ron Mexico at 11:06 AM | Comments (49)
February 21, 2006
Flavor of Love: Rock Dem Two-by-Twooooo!
Flavor Flav was definitely wearing the horns in this episode.
This week’s adventures of “The Luckiest Man in the World” find his attentions divided, then divided again. It’s like osmosis, well... more like os-ho-sis. The 4 remaining contestants are divided and conquered as Flavor Flav takes these broads (who obviously never been nowhere before) to a couple of hotels and spas and shit. You know, general crackdealer-to-wifey compensation interaction.
*Crocodile Hunter/lame Aussie voice* Let's 'ave a look now, mates!
As the news is broken to them by their literacy sponsor, Pumkin, Flavor selects his cane for the day. So wait he has a case for his canes? Amazing. I take it he also has a case for his ‘caine in the master bedroom. That shit better be locked as long as Pumkin is in the house. VH1 won’t be taking kindly to the excess coke costs. They’ll let you spill Korbel on Persian rugs, but they’ll be damned if all the white gets sniffed up before the season ends. (Can’t take out an insurance plan on the white stuff, you know.)
Flavor picked up Pumkin and Hoopz looking like Cam’ron in 20 years. He got the opposite of what Michael Jackson got.
One thing I have observed as the show has gone on… there is entirely too much saliva sharing. New York shouldn’t be worried about Hoopz being a lesbian. If CB4 kisses Flavor, she is a lesbian as well.
So yeah… These ignorant ass broads don’t know what Yoga is. When they had her doin the “downward dog” Hoopz knew exactly what was up though. Between yoga and the mud body paint session this was a 3-way romp the likes of which Flavor hasn’t seen since the 1989 tour… Luckily this time he doesn’t have to tag-team a girl with Stab Master Arson. No "wobbly-H" for Flavor. The post-mud shower looked like it would have ended up with a sloppy BJ if Ellen Degeneres didn’t keep poppin her head in there to keep them moving.
What the hell happened to Big Rick’s suit?… and why does that nigga only speak slave talk? He looked like he just put massa's meal plate down and just took off running until he got North... Uncle Ben suit on and everything.
Quick note about the pool scene: Them old white folks looked disgusted. I don’t know if it was because of the miscegenation going on or if they actually recognized that it was Flavor Flav in the pool with 2 skeezers. Either way, I’m sure they demanded a pool cleaning.
After dinner Flavor excuses himself and Pumkin after reading P. Sididdy's love letter while Hoopz was taking a dump. I guess there was enough from the letter, sloppy blowjob, general freakiness and prior known history to merit taking Pumkin upsturrrrs for a little Concrete Jungle Fever. Hmmm…. It’s as if he KNEW she would smash on reality television or something.
After sliding one off into the Pumkinator, Flavor sends these girls back to the plantation and meets up with his next 2 pieces of KFC at another location. That’s the player way (Or, the “plair” way… as Too $hort would say).
Sidebar: Doesn’t CB4 act like an older Jewish woman trapped in a young black transvestite’s body? This broad is somewhere between RuPaul and Fran Drescher, I’d say.
Did Flavor have bacon in his mouth this episode or something? Why was Goldie all up in there like she was bobbing for fatback?
New York sure had plenty to say about her certainty to defeat Goldie in this one-on-one edition of Extreme Hoin’ Challenge. However, she and her 2-sizes-2-small dress couldn’t even get out of the gate. Once Goldie smelled the swine, it was over. I damn near fell off the couch when Flavor said “You look like you could feed me!” to Goldie.
Suprisingly enough, Goldie is chosen for the one-on-one with Foofy. I don’t know how far they get, but it’s all enough to crush New York’s impregnable defense. No, that wasn’t a reference to her inability to conceive a child… because she’s a man.
As I watch her unload her insecurities, I have to wonder… Why are CB4’s eyes so wide open this week? She must have skipped the pre-game blunt. Speaking of which, I am convinced Flavor and his coon smoke a bomb in that room where they pretend to decide who is going home.
I was highly intrigued by the 3-way lesbian sandwich that went on in the bedroom when Goldie came back with her war stories about spending the night with Flavor. There was something ultra-suspicious about that. VH1 might be leaving out some important shit!
Despite taking her back for a night in his lair, Goldie gets the boot. While I like her more than any of the other contestants, I do understand Flavor’s logic. She cool and all, but I don’t sense much attraction from either side. This ain't Flavor of Friendship. Plus, Flavor isn’t going to have a bacon egg and cheese sandwich for lunch every day, you know. I guess Jackée will have to find love elsewhere.
Questions? Comments? Requests? Bacon and egg sandwich… new fragrance from Karl Kani! 60% of the time… it works ALL the time! (Disclaimer: This guarantee only redeemable in the projects) ronnie_mexxx@yahoo.com
Also, join the new internet phenomenon that has become myspacing Ron Mexico.
Posted by Ron Mexico at 12:00 PM | Comments (177)
February 20, 2006
The Flavor Flav Girls: So Serious!
A little white ago I had the pleasure of conversing with one Cristal Steverson, (not like the champagne) better known to you all as Serious on Flavor of Love. The sweet, down-to-earth Detroit native (currently residing in Atlanta) took the time out with Ronnie Mexxx to discuss life, love, media, entertainment and Flavor.
Don’t worry, people… I asked the good questions. Once again, we should have audio for this one sometime soon as well.
Cristal cites Flavor’s genuine personality as an initial attraction, however when asked if she would still consider dating Flavor Flav after having been ousted from the show her response was less than optimistic.
“I feel like the way I got kicked off was kinda ehhhhh for me… It just showed me the kind of man he is, to listen to a woman… It’s a mess. I don’t know. I would have to really sit down and talk to him, think about it and… I couldn’t make a decision right now.”
Hmmmm…I don't know why he can't take advice from a woman, but okay... she definitely wasn't feeling the way it all went down.
“What the cameras didn’t show is that me and Flavor Flav talked A LOT… We talked a HELL of a lot, but the conversation wasn’t interesting enough for TV, I guess… I know a lot about him that some of the other girls probably don’t know.”
In discussing what did go right on the show, Serious tells of making friends with Brooke AKA Pumkin. I couldn’t even truncate this for you. Peep game. (This would make a lot more sense after having seen this past week’s episode.)
Cristal Steverson: I think Pumkin was the coolest… When we got there we all actually sat down and talked. She was like ‘I don’t know ANY black people. This will be the first conversation I’ve ever had with a black person.’ So the kind of questions she asked us were like ‘How do you get your hair straight?’
Ron Mexico: Hold up. Hold up… She really said that?!
CS: Yeah… All the things that we laugh about as black people… that’s all she had to go on, just stereotypes and videos… That was it ‘cause she didn’t know any black people.
Cristal and Brooke plan on trading hoods in the near future.
RM: You know where you gotta take her, right?
CS: Oh, I’mma take her straight to Magic City. (laughs)
RM: (also laughing) ’Cause we saw them dance moves y’all was showin her. She looks like she’s ready for The City.
So, Pumkin has zero experience with black people and doesn’t know how she could relate to one… yet she wants to be Flavor Flav’s girlfriend. Hmmmmmm. Either she’s got a serious case of Concrete Jungle Fever or somebody’s monkeying aroud with us! (oh, these puns have just got to stop!)
When speaking on the subject of self in the context of reality television, Serious made it a point that we know she is 150% authentic.
“One thing I can say about myself… is that what you saw is what you’d get. If you were at my house right now, it’s the same shit. I’m jumpin around… crazy. You know what I mean? If it’s not time to do anything I do not have on any clothes. I’d probably have on a similar outfit that you saw on the show… Hair on the wild. No makeup on. When it’s time to go somewhere, it’s a whole completely different story. I AM proud of my career. What you saw is what you get.”
Cristal further explained that she seemed relatively unfazed by the cameras and that the VH1 Celebreality environment did not stop her from portraying her true self. From our limited conversation, I’d have to say I believe her.
CS: When I left I was like 'He’s an inspiration.’ It was so many times when we sat and talked. And he would talk about Bach and, you know, William Shakespeare. We had conversations that were beyond, you know, FLAVOR FLAAAAAAAAV! This man has so much knowledge.
RM: It is a shame that we don’t get to see all that.
CS: But they show what’s gonna capture folks’ attention.
Speaking of capturing attention… She’s featuring in an HBO documentary that discusses with the difference between video models and strippers. It’s scheduled to debut in May, so check your listings for that. Also, visit her website (www.seriouslycristal.com) and buy one of her oh, so Serious T-shirts.
Serious sounds like the kind of girl you’d definitely want to chill, sit around and do nothing with. We at SOHH once again thank her for her time and wish her the best. I know Cristal and I have a date to watch New Jack City and umm… sit around and do nothing.
Questions? Comments? Requests? audio coming soon… Seriously. It features the behind-the-scenes trivia section, which is fucking hilarious! ronnie_mexxx@yahoo.com
Myspace me too. I love mysapce messages!
Posted by Ron Mexico at 12:00 PM | Comments (81)
February 17, 2006
LL Cool J feat. Jennifer Lopez - "Control Myself"
After a pretty heavy and pensive week on Talkin' Videos, I'm glad to leave you this weekend with some good old fashioned clownery. Talk about "niggas we didn't get to in 2005," LL Cool J and Jennifer Lopez finally make their way to Daddy Mexico's house. For their latest collaborative effort "Control Myself," [watch above] I'm glad to be able to serve up a nice steaming plate of hate and beans.
LL... Mama called. She told me to knock you the fuck out.
Uh oh! Tell the Pussycat Dolls that they’re missing a Fanta Girl. Their birthmom is rockin again, and she's not happy. You didn't know J. Lo is that Pussycat Doll's moms? Yeah, I don't blame you. Ya never can tell which one is the mom or the daughter with them Puerto Rican girls!
Don't act like you ain't been there before. You take Marisol home from a night of dancing and the next morning you find out she's 47. Okay... maybe that only happened to me then. Fuck it.
J. Ho got on the Badu wrap! I guess that dried-up Fly Girl missed her appointment with Belkis and them. (See, that's a Dominican name... and they are who you need to go see for a wash and set.)
I love the old school feel, but damn James, these lryrics are asscakes. Even 1984 LL could have done better with this beat and topic. Whatever happened to the dude that made Jinglin' Baby? Milky Cereal perhaps? This nigga is barely competing with "Milk in my Cocoa Puffs". That’s some sad shit.
LL Cool J runnin around like the damn black Zoolander. What have you become? There's no chance I'm picking up this album. I ain't fucked with this nigga since Mr. Smith, and I don't think I'm going back. Even Headsprung didn't feel right... and that beat was apples and bananas. "They call me Big Ellie!"
Uncle L, the past-tense of the funk and Way Low have realized that they need each other to survive. This isn’t a collaboration. This is huddling on a deserted mountain for warmth. "Hey, Jennifer honey! Isn't this view great? We can see the end of our careers from here!"
What’s up with that crotch thrust that girl did to JD. That’s just disgusting. I don't need to see no Street Fighter-style Tiger Stoochie Uppercut. Funny shit is, she didn't really have to jump to get it into his face. He already down thurr.
Oh yes... let us not forget about the scat tribute at the end. I think I can say this with complete confidence: Cab Calloway would turn over in his grave if he could witness that shit.
Hype Williams, you are a legend and a pioneer in the world of rap videos... but you are not without blame. Nigga, if you make one more of these videos with all kinds of shit going on inside the margins, you will be dickslapped. I don't know who is going to dickslap you yet, but I'm going to hire some Adebisi-type nigga to get the job done... Or maybe Ciara will do it for me. He owes me a favor. I'm telling you, Hype. It won't be pleasant! This is your last warning.
Seriously, that's the kind of annoying ass shit that'll make niggas stop watching videos altogether.
LL, you've lost your edge son. You need another sitcom or something. Shit, maybe I need to call Canibus. He ain't doing nothing right now. I bet he'd love to help you get your groove back again.
...No Brokeback, son.
Questions? Comments? Requests? Can you control the vomit? ronnie_mexxx@yahoo.com
Myspace the kid. I'm blowin up, son!
...and I didn't make a single Puffy joke. You all should be proud of me!
Posted by Ron Mexico at 9:00 AM | Comments (473)
February 16, 2006
Big L - "MVP"
Put your Ls up. Take it how you wanna.
Yesterday marked the 7th anniversary of the slaying of Harlem's lyrical champion. To the memory of Lamont Coleman we dedicate this week's edition of Throwback Thursday. Big L burst his way onto Rap City countdowns and east coast radio stations with the ever-infectious remix of MVP, the lead-single to his debut album Lifestylez ov da Poor & Dangerous.
When you see this sign... *raises "L" hand gesture into the air* This don't mean motherfuckin LL Cool J, nigga! GET EM UP!!!
I remember cashing my summer youth employment check, buying a walkman, taping this song off the radio and playing it repeatedly instead of working. Listening to Big L was far better than filing court documents.
I'd usually get home just in time to catch the second hour of Rap City. If it was a good day, Joe Clair would throw to this video just as I got my kool-aid. It was cool to see a fellow Harlem kid on the screen. Even if he was wearing leprechaun clothes. He ain't care. He was always a flamboyant nigga.
It was cool to see the D.I.T.C. crew on TV as well. The uptown alliance was in full effect and Big L was the new hope. Young Skywalker knew how to put words together in the greasiest of manners.
Look at Kid Capri gettin the Charlie's Angels rubdown. Nigga look happy as hell. How you livin like that in somebody else's video? If only the DJ ever really had it that good. The DJ is supposed to be the backbone of the culture and you probably couldn't pick most of the niggas whose mixtapes you listen to out of a lineup.
I don't even have to tell you what year this shit is. Doesn't this video just scream 1995 at you? This is definitely that type of party. I just wanted y'all to think back to this time for a minute today. Also, if you love him like we do in Harlem, this time is set aside to throw a little somethin up for him as you listen to a smooth ass track with some dope, edgy lyrics on it. Even if on a bittersweet note... The party's been started.
Big L, we miss you.
Questions? Comments? Requests? Got some crates that need digging through? ronnie_mexxx@yahoo.com
Myspace the kid as well. I love you all.
Posted by Ron Mexico at 10:00 AM | Comments (84)
February 15, 2006
Juvenile - "Get Ya Hustle On/What's Happenin'?"
"George Bush doesn’t care about Black people, HA!"
Yeah, Juvie said it! And what, nigga?! Today’s video is a pretty intense one from Mr. “Off Top” himself, Juvenile. The visual anthem “Get Ya Hustle On/What’s Happenin’?” [win hi|win med|win lo|4 tha real playaz] is sure to serve as the official response of the streets. The video was shot on location in the currently decimated Lower Ninth Ward of New Orleans.
Without further [government] procrastination, it’s Reality Check time, bitches!
Laden with stirring images of the devastation of Hurricane Katrina’s wake, Juvenile drives his message home. While I’m really glad that Juvenile has decided to use his platform as a popular recording artist to speak his mind and enlighten the masses, I’m disappointed that his solution is essentially to “flip your FEMA checks to buy coke to further destroy your community… ummmm… because the government don’t care about us, HA!”
As much as I love the track, that message was as anticlimactic as blue balls.
I love the picture of the children wearing Ed Wuncler III, Gin Rummy and Uncle Ruckus masks as they try to make sense of their now wholly depleted environment. The signs in the front yards cut to the heart as well. The “You’ve Already Forgotten” sign chilled my spine, as I had found that even I myself had already begun to forget about the dire situation in the Gulf Coast region.
How do you follow up your Hurricane Manifesto?... With a song about hoes and hoodrats grinding on the soul pole, of course! Thank you, Juvenile for playing The Jerky Boys 2 at my grandfather’s funeral. That’s what the second half of this shit feels like. I’m not one to judge the appropriateness of creative expression, but I felt that shit was poorly placed. Juvie the Great had his chance to walk away from this video a champion. Instead the label let this nigga hang around a little too long like Robert Parrish.
Excellent question for this cooning, my man! I love the first half of this shit. I just don’t agree with Juvie’s plan for the FEMA checks. That ign'ant nigga makes me wonder if I should have even donated to the Red Cross and shit. Combining poignant lines like “We livin like Haiti without no government/” with “They have to get it right with this big ass totem pole/” is like combining gourmet crackers and Showboat’s toe jam. I definitely feel like Kid ‘N Play right now. I guess this nigga didn’t want anyone to feel left out. By putting out something poignant and relevant to the time as well as painfully ironic in ignorance covers all of his bases at once.
…and oh, of course, Rest In Peace to Soulja Slim.
Questions? Comments? Requests? Think your neighborhood looks shitty? ronnie_mexxx@yahoo.com
You can myspace me now, as well. Show your nigga some love!
Donate to Hurricane Katrina relief if you can! Not necessarily material shit either... Donate your time and effort if you can.
Posted by Ron Mexico at 10:30 AM | Comments (107)
February 14, 2006
Flavor of Love: Don't Lie To Me, Dammit!
Happy Valentine's Day, y'all!
Nothing says “Daddy loves his girls” quite like a good, old-fashioned polygraph test. No, that’s not the one that turns pink if you’re pregnant. It’s a lie-detector, bitches. As advertised, this week’s episode gets right the fuck down to business. Brigitte Nielsen pays what’s left of the Snatchbox 20 a visit. Under the direct instruction of Foofy Foofy himself she’ll strap it on and stick it to these girls in a very special way.
I also have a VERY special Valentine's Day message/massacre to deliver at the end of today's blog. You don't want to miss that shit, I promise!
Ain't no love... in the heart of the cit-tayyyy!
This episode has my favorite beginning so far. When I heard Flavor Flav screaming like that from afar I thought “Oh, shit. This nigga’s having a Richard Pryor moment!” As I reached for another handful of popcorn and waited for Big Rick’s coon ass to come running with a fire extinguisher, I found something much better.
Apparently, Flavor had just witnessed a very special episode of Blind Date that featured Hottie AKA Sloppy Joes trying to game another nigga out of his hard earned paper. His alarm spurs him to find all of the girls not named Hottie, replay for them what he had just seen, and ask that they not tell her about it.
Doesn’t he have 3 or 4 girls per day coming up to him snitching and throwing other contestants under the bus? What in the blunt would make him think that anyone would keep something like this away from Schatar? I’m certain all five of those girls had an uncontrollable itch to snitch. Red Oyster’s ass would have needed to brush her teeth with Monistat-7 to keep from saying anything.
Because Daddy can’t trust his gulz no more he enlists the aid of the coke strumpet that nibbled on his beef jerky for a couple of reality seasons only to leave him for a cocoa-skinned life-partner named Fernando. (see: Drawn Together)
So, Brigitte-Aid starts with “talking” to the girls for a while. After getting them shaking in their boots like Vice Squad just rolled up, she takes them out back, straps them to polygraphs and asks them the fucked up questions we hoped someone would. That’s good television! It’s during this process that we watch Pumkin come clean about getting a dick sandwich on TV, Smiley crack like an episode of Law & Order, Goldie giggle both her asses off and Sloppy Joes lie hers off.
So, after you put these hoes through the Tuskegee Experiment, you go on and give them dinner? I guess that sounds about right. However, a straw obviously broke one little donkey’s back as Hoopz decided she’d had enough. Who the fuck is Brigitte to be telling somebody they ain’t that cute? Last time I checked, Brigitte Nielsen looked like beat up pterodactyl shit shaped as Big Bird. Red Sonja and Rocky IV were a loooooong damn time ago. I wouldn’t have sat back and taken that shit either.
Here’s how you know Smiley wanted to go the fuck home. She confided in New York. That’s like blowing kisses at Adebisi. You must want to get fucked over violently. Either that or you’re due for some warrior training, Kenny. [said with thick Nigerian accent]
I know we on fire right now, but can I stop the flow and ask a question? Who the hell braided Pumkin’s hair? Got her lookin like she lost the audition for Hustle & Flow.
Though Hoopz arguing with Big Bird was a big deal to Foofy, it should have come as no surprise that he was gonna send Sloppy Joes packin. He let her have it worse than anyone else to date as well. “The way you played my man [on Blind Date] was not cool! I can’t have nobody around me who’s fake like that!”
Yeah… all the other girls were probably just looking around into space and whistling at that point.
Smiley had done enough to earn a clock, but her ex-husband issues re-surfaced. I guess Flavor doesn’t watch WWE Smackdown with his 12 kids, otherwise he’d know who she was and would be more worried about Triple H putting the pipe to her than anything else. She won the Bukkake Belt from Stephanie McMahon in 2004. I saw that shit. He also put Smiley down like the remaning 4 girls don’t got boyfriends and shit. You’ll see, William Drayton. You’ll see.
New York cracking the fuck up at Hottie getting blasted had me dying. There is zero shame in this ho’s game. This is one hell of a final four! I wouldn’t mind seeing Rain, Serious or Sweetie in that motherfucker still, but hey. Get ready for the main event! Hoopz vs. CB4 live from Skeezer’s Palace in Las Vegas. You KNOW it’s goin down.
Questions? Comments? Requests? Need tickets to future events at Scandalay Bay or Skeezer's Palace? ronnie_mexxx@yahoo.com You can myspace a nigga now too! www.myspace.com/ronnie_mexxx
Speaking of MySpace...
So, my special Valentine goes out to a triflin-ass bird that even Flavor Flav didn't want. Her name is Mieko, but you all know her as Cherry. Or... more likely you don't. Let me help. She shook her clap trap for Flavor Flav in the first episode with them little purple underoos on and the nigga still didn't want her Red Lobster-smellin ass.
Why are we so unhappy with this skeetrag? Well, it's because we don't like liars over here at SOHH. On her little myspace page she got blogs recapping what's goin on with the show she's only spent about 12 minutes on. I guess she's still scrambling for them last 3 minutes. Unfortunately these blogs she's posting as her own look eerily like the handywork of one Ronaldo Horacio Mexico of Talkin' Videos and Mr. Irreverent.
At first I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt and think, "well, maybe she's just forgetting to cite her sources, but she's really a big fan." yadda yadda... You know me. I'm a cool nigga, I usually let shit ride. I then found that she had even gone as far as to change some of the content up to make it look as if she was included in the commentary. In particular, she switched her name with Peaches' when I referred to people who had been kicked off that may actually haved LIKED Flavor. Yes... I left you out for a reason.
That's some lame shit, Cherry. Didn't they tell you back in high school to cite your sources? Or did you not finish 9th grade either? They call that plagiarism.
Look, ma. You runnin around lookin like The Pointer Sisters. What your excited ass needs to do is go on, finish them GED classes and write your own shit.
This is a hip-hop site. We don't play that bitin shit.
Make the check out to Ronaldo H. Mexico for the blogs you've been stealing... and today's promotion. You can post-date it. I don't mind. Hope you get some work this week too. I hear Soul Train got some openings. If you wear the underoos again I bet you can get up on the scramble board.
Peace,
Your Valentine
Ron Mexico
P.S.: I'd pay money to see the look on your face as you try to copy and paste this shit to put on your blog.
P.S.S.: Say whattup to Don Cornelius for me. We playin tennis on Sunday.
Posted by Ron Mexico at 12:00 PM | Comments (199)
February 13, 2006
The Boondocks: "Let's Nab Oprah"
A Black man’s work is never done… Sorry about the delay in putting up today’s entry, folks. A brother is still trying to dig out from the “Blizzard of ’06.” Anywho, I gotta say I was a little disappointed in last night’s episode. I mean there were definitely some “what did he say/rewind the dvr” moments, but for the most part, I have to say last night’s episode was pretty uneventful.
What pisses me off is that it had so much potential. The set-up was perfect. You had Ed Wuncler III (Charlie Murphy) and Gin Rummy (Samuel L. Jackson) back at it again (BTW, did anyone notice the homage to Snatch at the beginning or was it me?), a plot to kidnap Oprah and an ill sibling rivalry fight a la “Street Fighter” between Huey and Riley. So what went wrong? I’m not quite sure but I have a few ideas.
1. They really didn’t elaborate at all on why they wanted to kidnap the Almighty O. They got it half-right. This woman from Kosciusko, Mississippi does seem to have this strange power over women—especially Black women. But they just left it there. Where was Uncle Ruckus chiming in with him 800 reasons why he hates “Okrah?” They never even showed an animated Oprah. Are people really that afraid of her? Dave Chappelle never showed Oprah’s face when he did that skit about her having his kid either. Does this woman wield that much power??? (Oprah, if you are reading this I love your show… and the magazine… and the book club… and the new channel on XM Satellite Radio. Big fan, really big fan.)
2. The scene where they kidnap Maya Angelou and she is whooping Rummy’s ass is hilarious but where was the requisite stab at her poetry. Yeah, I know he said, “Maya ‘And I Rise’ Angelou?!?!?” But I was looking for more…
3. The kidnapping of Bill Cosby. Don’t get me wrong… If you read this blog regularly, you all know I am not a Cosbyite. So, that scene had me ready to cheer. Until they brought him back. Not that I don’t understand. I kind of imagine Old Man Cos does yammer on like that. But I wouldn’t have minded them “drop squadding” the pudding pusher.
I don’t know…. I know every episode can’t be a jewel, but a brother can dream. Besides, the 2-hour “Inside The Actor’s Studio” featuring Dave Chappelle provided more than enough laughs last night. If you missed it, be sure to check it out the next time it airs.
I know one thing… Whoever wrote “Move Them Butt Cheeks” (the song/video that is always on whenever a character turns on the TV or has the radio on) might want to look into a copyright infringement suit against Bubba Sparxxx and the Ying Yang Twins.
One last note, your man Dark Kent has found a new home for his hate. If you’re a fan of this blog (or not), holler at me at http://www.myspace.com/thedarkkent. I’m not gon’ lie--I got the idea after seeing my man Ron Mexico’s myspace page. So, what? “I’m not a writer, I’m a biter.”
Swagger Jacker #1,
Dark
Posted by Dark Kent at 2:50 PM | Comments (63)
February 10, 2006
Bubba Sparxxx feat. Ying Yang Twinz - "Ms. New Booty"
Damn. It's like Blue Collar TV for the rap world. Larry the Cable Guy... I mean, Bubba Sparxxx joins forces with fellow Georgians the Ying Yang Twinz and Mr. Collipark for yet another Southern ass-shaking anthem. At least this time around the video holds more entertainment value than just "MOVE THEM BUTTCHEEKS!!!"
Shouts to my girl Jenny in Philly for the look on this one. I hope you got your case handy!
Oh shit! Bryan Callen in a video! 2 points for Bubba. Not only is he a Mad TV legend, but his performance as Cushaine in Oz was riveting! It was like Lean on Me... with a shank.
This product sucks. I already know of a product that makes ordinary girls turn themselves 90 degrees and shake their ass in front of me. It’s called Hennessey XO. They graciously sponsored my Awards Ceremony earlier this year.
Seriously. I don’t see any new booty. I see new freakiness, but alas, the booty looks exactly the same. This product would be more aptly named Ms. New Hoochie. It looks like he’s opening up the coveted briefcase from Pulp Fiction and these hoes “instantaneously” become p-poppin skank professionals. I guess Bubba’s got the soul of Adina Howard in there. She’s dead, right?
If you’re gonna enlist the aid of Mr. Collipark and the Sherm-Rock Twinz, you need to get a better fucking chorus from them than "BOOTY BOOTY BOOTY BOOTY ROCKIN ERRRWHERE." That's some certifiable, unimpeachable, indubitable touchdown shit. That shit’s lazy even by THEIR standards. Nigga sound like Pauly Shore mocking Arabs in his classic film “In The Army Now.” (I can’t even front. I love that movie.)
Did you see Bubba click his heels together mid-air in the driveway? I ain’t seen that nigga jump so high since Cee-lo brought hog maws to the green room at his show. White men CAN jump. They just need proper motivation.
Whose preacher robes are the Ying Yangs borrowing? Those shits need to be burned after the shoot. Actually, it ain’t even all that different from real chuuuuch. Pastor goes on up there and says some clever shit that’s more melodic than substantial… then he turns his attention to the hoes in the audience. However, this is probably the first church to accept blue-tops in the collection plate.
I guess what they say about De Lawwwd not liking ugly is a crock of horse shit. There are Ying Yangs preaching, Bubba Sparxxx healing people and a choir doing the “Lean Wit It, Rock Wit It” dance. Shit is definitely ugly.
Hold up… A Ying Yang Twin in a library? BWAAAAHAHAHAHHAA! Try again.
Damn, there he goes whispering that base breath in people’s faces again. Serious question: Is this one Kane or D-Rocc? I guess they both fuck with 'kane and d rocc, so it doesn't matter.
Oh, no they didn’t have the Latina lady say “Senora New Booty.” That’s funny, Gangstalicious!
Oh, you KNOW Bubba got him a chocolate animal woman at home after all that. Look at her face when he opens that Ms. New Booty for her! Look like he just opened a Kansas Fried Chicken snack box.
Pretty funny video. My only knock is that Bubba needs to understand that you have to go with either the Eazy-E sunglasses OR the lumberjack jacket. You can’t do both, especially if you’re a big white boy. Be looking like a damn roadie for ZZ Top. I know you roll with Negroes, Bubba. Consult a couple of them before you come out of the trailer, okay?
Ladies, call the number on the screen. You can trust Bubba and Cushaine the teacher/sex offender from Oz.
Questions? Comments? Requests? BOOTY BOOTY BOOTY BOOTY looking a little flat? ronnie_mexxx@yahoo.com
Posted by Ron Mexico at 11:28 AM | Comments (240)
February 9, 2006
Roots Manuva - "Witness"
For this week’s edition of Throwback Thursday we’re going international, seen?
One of my all-time favorite videos, and one I think you’ll enjoy as well is Roots Manuva’s “Witness.” [watch it now] The shit’s pretty clever and a lot of us can relate to how Roots is feeling. I’m sure we’ve all got shit we wish we could turn back the hands of time and correct… especially in grade school. There are at least 5 little niggas I knocked out that I wish I hadn’t. Pouring milk on a nigga shouldn't equate to a broken nose... at least not when you're 8. I formally apologize, Thomas. I also wish I could go back and show Iesha that I really am that shit! Oh, nevermind. She knows now. High school was pretty good to me.
EnglandRepresent, this Bud's for you, buddy. Now have a nice warm glass of shut the fuck up.
In all fairness to ER, the UK’s only representation on Talkin’ Videos so far has been SAS Diplomats with one of the most stereotypical and embarrassing joints I’ve had the pleasure to review. (While Slick Rick is obviously British, I don’t think he really counts as a UK act.) It is with great pleasure that I chat with y’all about some of the good shit England has to offer.
Doesn’t Roots Manuva look like Orlando Jones and Kurupt done went Brokeback and had a kid?
The video’s premise is quite funny. In 2001, Roots went back to his old elementary school (pronounced: “ella-ment-ry”) as an alumnus and role model for the children. He was to judge the field day competition and hand out an award that he had made himself. Unfortunately, the nigga had other plans in mind.
Having come in last in every event as a child, Roots had a monkey on his back--… oh, nevermind. I’m not making that joke. Every time I make a joke like that some Klan motherfucker finds his way to the blog like “yeah… niggers are chocolate monkeys and coons! Thank you Ron. You Mexican sum-bitch [son of a bitch].”
So yeah… Roots is mad his ass came last in every event, and his plan is to win that sum-bitch at approximately 25 years old. That’s pretty fucked up, but hilarious! The nigga is actually training to compete against 6 year olds.
What’s even funnier than the fact that dude conceived this whacked-out notion and trained like a damn Olympian is that the school LET HIM COMPETE! This is obviously the kind of school that would let R. Kelly give each child a private singing lesson. (I’m so NOT above making R. Kelly jokes.)
Obviously Roots busts these kids’ asses in every competition. Unfortunately it’s not without cheating. My favorite parts of the video are when the kids complain. Well… that and Roots fucking dragging one of the kids along in the 3-legged race. That’s pretty dern excellent!
I love this video and I hope you do as well. If you sum-bitches like what you hear, check out his catalogue. I really could have picked any of his videos. They’re all pretty fetch.
Cheerio, you bloody wankers!
Questions? Comments? Requests? Lost touch with the frosty side of yourself? ronnie_mexxx@yahoo.com
P.S.: Go see Brokeback Mountain if you haven’t already. It’s much more than “that gay cowboy movie.” Seriously.
Posted by Ron Mexico at 10:56 AM | Comments (260)
February 8, 2006
T-Pain - "I'm In Luv With A Stripper"
He's sprung. He's falling for skrippers. He's running around with Mike Jones like it's cool to be seen in public with him. Who else could we be talking about beside the Gummi Bear king himself, T-Pain AKA Pizzle. Today we discuss his newest video "I'm In Luve With A Stripper," [watch above] which features far more embarrassing moments than "I'm Sprung" does. I'm really glad he made this shit. Speaking of shit, nigga done gone ahead and re-highlighted the shitlocks.
OKAYYYY! HE RELOOOADED!
Serious question: Why is Mike Jones still in everyone’s video?
Oh shit! Look at that totem pole on that nigga’s head! Damn, niggas could get all the way over from Haiti on that shit.
Doesn’t the girl he's talkin to resemble New York from Flavor of Love?
Someone should alert Mr. Pain to the hazards of getting googly eyed over skrippers. Side effects include: brokeness, herpes, drymouth, herpes, empty orange juice containers in the fridge, filthy skeet-stained laundry, herpes and herpes. Call your doctor if you have a history of heart problems, asthma, sickle cell... Oh, fuck it. Call the doctor if you're black, okay?!
Rewind… at the beginning of the video, pay attention to the female mover who steals his attention by dropping an OPEN box of MONEY. This nigga packed his singles up for the strip club! That’s indicative of a far more serious problem than just being a rest haven for hoes.
So, Mr. Jones… You clamor senselessly and incomprehensibly about pole climbers. Your verse is a 1st grader’s poem that should be entitled “I Love Skrippers Because…” Reason #1, boys and girls love them! That’s what you call a woman’s worth?! Sit your touchdown ass somewhere before I beat you with a bag of chitterlings. (That's pronounced "chit-lins" for those who have never seen the word spelled out before.)
Ladies and Gentlemen: When did “thick” become the greatest compliment you could give a woman? That shit is like the new “intelligent,” “smart,” “beautiful,” “kind,” “loving,” “has good credit”... etc.
So which skripper are you in love with, Pizzle? I see you, touchdown and Amistad (Akon) grindin up on all of them. Yeah, I said it. Akon look like Joseph Cinque fresh off the boat after he done seen a piece of cornbread. Give us FREE!
Damn. Pain is waitin for her like she just came out of school. I ain't about teachin the kids how to pimp, but I definitely ain't about teachin the kids how to simp. This is textbook simpin. This is Simpin 101. If your homeboys caught you doing this, you've been caught simpin. With that said, Simpin Ain't Easy either, I'm sure.
Oh god. Look at T-Pain dancing for the cank stoochie! Them niggas look like Pretty Ricky in 10 years. After Slick ‘Em finds out he qualifies for an Applebees Platinum Card. You KNOW that skripper he’s tea-baggin is getting her nubs on some cheddar biscuits.
Fuck it. Let’s do BOTH versions of the Gummiberry juice. I’m feelin’ froggy. Y’all get a 2-for-1.
How the hell did he get into the skripper practice area? What the fuck is he doing dancing around in there? Oh, he must be the pole choreographer. Okay, cool. Nevermind then. That explains a lot.
Wow. The nigga is dancin around in a white suit looking like Puffy. If you wondered where all the Bad Boy artists have gone, I’ve got good news and bad news. G. Dep ain’t strung out somewhere deep in the heart of the projects as rumored. T-Puffy apparently ate him.
To my strong black brothers: Blonde dreads are for Vanilla Ice and young white socialist organization kids who still drop a bill a day on Starbucks, Marlboro lights and coke only.
Nice, Mike Jones has on women’s sunglasses in this one. My little sister got them shits. She thought they would make her look like Foxy Brown…-- Ah, it’s too early for a Foxy Brown joke… but don’t think I won’t, bitches.
Okay, I like this version! He has all 4 members of Pretty Ricky with him this time. Wow, this nigga really think he Usher with them Nikes on.
Pizzle still don’t look like no damn Konvict to me. However, somebody need to lock his ass up for slidin around like a bum ass Usher. That dance routine should be reserved for the homeless on the subway.
T-Pain on Konvict Records is like Ashanti on Murder, Inc... or Olivia on G-Unit... you decide.
Questions? Comments? Requests? Still wanna do that night thang with a stripper? ronnie_mexxx@yahoo.com
Posted by Ron Mexico at 11:26 AM | Comments (125)
February 7, 2006
The Flavor Flav Girls: Rain says, "Let's Be Real. He's Ugly"
For your greasy-ass information and listening pleasure this week Ronaldo Horacio got to chat a for a spell with Thela Brown, better known as “Rain” on Flavor of Love. You may know her even better still as the girl voted “most likely to shank a bitch.”
The highly-animated Brown proved nothing short of riotous as we discussed television, love, beef and La Vida Flavor.
Her short career as a Flavor girl is made ever-so memorable by her vibrant personality, stalkerish confessionals and damn near hand-to-hand beefin with New York AKA CB4.
Ron Mexico: --Any girls you had friction with [on the show]?
Thela Brown: Come on now! [excited] You saw the show!!!
RM: [laughing]
TB: [still very excited] See, you trynna set me up! [mocking Ronnie Mexxx] ‘Anyone you don't like?’
RM: [still laughing] I want you to tell us about your relationship with New York.
TB: Well… What would you like to know besides the fact that she’s a little witch?
Despite being utterly disgusted at the very mention of New York, Rain presses that black women need to stick together, especially in Hollywood. She also adds that the show doesn’t portray the two discussing their differences and resolving their issues like respectable adults. No one got beaten in the face with a bar of soap tucked into a sock. Weaves were kept in-tact. Mothers were not called.
Asked what she thought about circulating rumors that New York is the show's winner she told us "I really hope that she's not the winner... I don't know who it is... Although I said from day one 'New York is winning.' Simply because it's good TV. It's great TV for New York to win." Speaking in general terms she named reality alumns like Omorosa to enforce her claim. "The people that are nice, the people that are sweet, the people that are kind they get pushed to the background... I really hope that she didn't. Oh, I hope she didn't. 'Cause she don't deserve it. But hey, I'm not bitter or nothing." This, of course, was followed by her signature boisterous laugh.
In getting to the heart of things, I asked Rain what attracted a PYT like herself to a Thriller extra like Flavor Flav. She most certainly laid down some rationale-type game for you weebles. “Let’s be real. He’s ugly.” Rain told Talkin Videos. “He’s not attractive. He’s skinny. He got 20 kids. I mean, come on. But… I don’t date people’s looks. I date people’s souls and he had a beautiful soul. I could feel it.” I asked her how long she had been attracted to Flavor. She said since she was 7 years old. Oh, my damn. That's some Freudian shit! I dug her explanation though. "I'm a very loud, you know, obnoxious type of personality. And I honestly believed that I couldn't be that way [because I'm a girl]... When I saw him on TV and saw that the public loved him being who he was I was like 'I can do this!'" That's actually pretty touching.
Coincidentally, when I asked her if she’d still be willing to date Flavor Flav despite being ousted from the show she replied “Most Definitely. And you know, I really regret something I said on the show ‘cause, you know, of course I watched it. And when I got kicked off I said ‘I will never talk to [Flavor] Flav again.’ That’s not true. I mean, give me a break. If Flavor Flav called me and was like ‘Hey, Rain. I wanna go on a date.’ I’d be like ‘WHOOOOO!’”
When, in turn, asked how she could make Flavor happy she responded “Well, number one, I don’t care about his money. And you saw half them gold-diggers on that show. That’s all they were really there for.” This response spurned the reactionary question “Wait, wait. Hold up. Flavor has money?” This was again followed by violent laughter and an explanation as to how Flavor Flav could possibly own all of the shit on the show. So she really likes him... and really thinks he owns the shit on the show... Hmmmm. Maybe she really IS nuts.
In all seriousness Rain is a dear and we at Talkin’ Videos thank her again for taking out the time to rap with us. She says she’s made friends with and keeps in contact with at least 6 of the other contestants and plans to have a Flavor of Love party with them. If the jawn is in the NY-area Ron Mexico is invited. That would be dope! I wouldn’t mind hearing crank-cooking stories and maybe even picking up a trendy, masculine STD.
Thela Brown is currently preparing for roles on both the stage and big screen. You’ll be able to catch Rain putting in some guest host work on VH1 in the future as well.
Tune into the audio (coming soon) to hear me put on my corny-ass announcer voice and make it rain.
We've also got Barbara Walters-esque specials from Serious, Peaches and Sweetie (who dropped some shizzle, my nizzle!). Stay tuned if you wanna find out what love really tastes like.
Questions? Comments? Requests? Feeling the precipitation? ronnie_mexxx@yahoo.com
Posted by Ron Mexico at 12:00 PM | Comments (630)
February 3, 2006
Keyshia Cole - "Love"
For the weekend, let's get into this new shit from Mary J... umm... sorry, Keyshia Cole.
Seriously, who the hell is this chick to be havin 4 singles? From the moment I saw "Love" [watch above] I knew we had a hood classic on our hands. The youngsters are definitely gonna pump this one. The video, starring Tyrese and his no-longer-singin ass, displays how true love... and having 4 singles out for no damn reason can get you out of some serious jams.
Lesson(s) of the Day: It's good to be a celebrity... even a B-lister. It's also good to be a celebrity's significant other. Ask my homegirls on Flavor of Love.
Wouldn't you all agree that the “my boyfriend is a criminal” videos are a just a tad cliché at this point? The shit is gettin more ridiculous by the day. Method Man can play the role, but that sangin ass Tyson Beckford ain't ready to do nothin that would have him meet the Health Inspector. Y'all saw Baby Boy. It's bigger niggas than Ving Rhames in the box. You also saw 2 Fast 2 Furious. The man ain't no damn criminal.
Kelishia Cole however, is a weave criminal. That shit should be beaten by LAPD, arraigned, convicted and used to mop the prison. That shit might be the reason Hottie thinks hers is undetectable. Keyshia's is straightened out at certain points in the video... and while she's introducing, but god damn. Look at that Halloween-orange crimpy mane she got goin on! You could get lost in that shit. It’s like a Skittles commercial. It's a magical rainbow of colors niggas shouldn't have in their hair.
Hold up... Is this girl Jamaican?
Combine that weavalicious shit with the smudged makeup and she's working what we like to call the Beaten Reno Hooker look. Daddy should beat her ass for cracking her voice like that on the the chorus. I know you can sing, but you are definitely reeeeeeaching on this song.
I've figured out why R&B has gone down the shitter. There ain't no more Joe Jacksons. Negro music was always driven by ass-beatings. First the slave-owners, then our parents. Now they got all these child abuse laws out and magically no one takes the craft seriously anymore. Whatever happened to the era of the father/manager who would take you out back and fuck your little ass up if you drop the micstand? Thank god for Pretty Ricky. On their color-coordinated, mink-draped, leather-beaten shoulders, R&B is on its way back to the promised land.
Baby Boy is lucky as fuck that Kelis got stopped by some black cops. I still can't believe the nerve of these people, actin like some cops would know who she is. Honestly, I could pass Keyshia Cole on the street and not rec... wait... nevermind... she's the broad with the orange hair and matching Reebok $54.11s.
Still, knowing who she is off the bat like that is a bit of a stretch. She ain't Beyonce or nothing. I guess since every time they turned on The Negro Channel for the past 6 months they've seen her, they know who she is. "Oh shit, Keyshia Cole! I love your titties... I mean... your music. You have a good night now."
P.S.: No matter what Tyrese the screen-actor just showed you, trying to slip your crack bundle out of your coat pocket and under your seat DOES NOT WORK no matter how slowly you do it. Seriously, children. All you get out of that is about half a dozen slugs in your Crackdealer 2006. Even if they don't see you... which they will... They'll find that shit when they tear the inside of your car apart. Just don't do it, okay?
Little girls... Don't do what Keyshia is doing either. Don't date drug dealers or sing through notes you can't hit. Both of the above turn your hair orange. Promise?
Questions? Comments? Requests? Eagerly awaiting Keyshia's 5th and 6th videos from this album? ronnie_mexxx@yahoo.com
Posted by Ron Mexico at 12:08 AM | Comments (182)
February 2, 2006
Nelly - "Tip Drill" (The Derrty Version)
(Serious Warning: Parental Advisory. This blog features some sexually explicit content. This is the DERRRTY version, Derrty!)
This blog is NOT work-safe. It's not even home-safe if you don't live alone with drapes and headphones. The shit's just not safe, okay! This is some indubitable, unimpeachable filthy shit. There's a lot of hamhock and roast beef curtain in this here jawn.
Nelly and his band of merry niggas live out their strip club/porn fantasies in 2003's "Tip Drill." [watch above] This throwback is actually thrown. I'm not a fan of such objectification of women, but since it's been requested for so long, we gotta talk about it.
I must say, I had to take a shower after I first saw this video. Not because I made a mess in my pants, but because my girlfriend at the time threw up on me when she saw all that cank stoochie. Then I threw up because I got thrown up on. That's right... My first and only case of sympathy vomit came during a Nelly video at 3:30 AM. I'm sure all the white russians we had that night didn't help.
Okay... Now it's time to play one of our favorite games! It's called "What's (S)he Fucked Up On?" Today's subject is comedian/video hype-nigga extraordinaire Shawty.
My guess?: Based on the intro alone, Shawty's roasted on at least 4 blunts (2 of them cropdusted), 9 Hennessey and colas, a couple X pills, and at least one line of coke.
Still, Shawty is easily the best part of this video. Whut my naaaayme is? Come on. The nigga's build-up to the "Grandmamas Gone Wild" quip shows that even slizzard out of his mind, he can still craft a joke pretty damn well. I respect that. I been there, Shawty. Shit, sometimes I'm there when I write these. (Sometimes I have to be.)
So this nigga Nelly got on a Vikings jersey, huh? That's funny because this shit looks like it ends up in a Minnesota Vikings Bang Boat type of situation. *Prince deep voice* "Why don't you go purify yourself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka?"
I am pretty amazed by the cameos in this shit. David Banner. I love you, but you're one confused nigga. Every other second he talkin that positive shit to the kids, which I love. I think the nigga is one family tragedy away from becoming Pastor David Banner. Hmmm... maybe that's why he's so down for these smut videos. He may be preparing for a career in the clergy. Okay, Nevermind Banner. The shit makes sense now.
Jermaine Dupri! Oh, lawd! Penny from Good Times let Michael leave Florida Evans' house to go throw money in Wilona's crotch at the Kitty Kat Club? Wow. Having Janet Jackson as a girlfriend must be the SHIT. I heard she done got chunky now. That's what's up! Now her dome game must be ridonculous. Good work, you colored lawn ornament!
"Ron, why you so mad? They let the girls talk shit about the dudes too! Didn't you hear the 4 bars they gave that one girl who was grindin down Nelly's boner tent?"
Sure they give an attempt at reciprocity, but you can't even front like these girls are coming from a platform or position of respect at ANY point during this composition. I see nothing but meatsicles with multiple baby-daddies. I think I even seen Fantasia Barrino in the hot tub freakin off. Once you have the audacity [and maniacal genius] to swipe a credit card down the crack of someone's ass, you've successfully dehumanized their position... Not just in the video, but in life as well.
Nelly, about the infamous credit card swipe. Were you a nursing assistant or something? I used to work in a hospital with old people, and I must say, that's how we used to get stool samples for testing. Your technique was flawless my nigga. Where'd you learn that shit? Also, I damn sure hope you burned that card. You're gonna give some poor ATM gonorrhea. Some liquor store clerk is gonna bring chlamydia home to his wife on his fingers. Niggas really have to think about the reprecussions of their actions!
Before I roll, I have to shout out one of the funniest things I've ever heard in my entire life. That nigga Shawty told one of the video hoes that she didn't have to worry about getting pregnant by him because soon as he skeeted, he'd suck the shit right back out. "*SSSSSLUUUURRRRRP!* Whoooo! That's a boy!" That is truly some next level shit. Shawty, you carved your way into history with that one. Still, I don't know why they let your twisted ass handle expensive video equipment. They might as well have given that shit to Corky from Life Goes On for the day.
Shouts to Pootie Tang. If he were here he'd say the same shit. "Tippy tah on ney renny bah!"
This is definitely one of those "I can't believe you people have been requesting this for so long" videos. Thank the good folks at YouTube for the truly uncut version. Horny bastards.
Nelly, you're still a retard. But you're a touchdown with a hands-down, indubitable, unimpeachable, bonafide UnCut top 10 classic. I guess that's something to give yourself applause for. Now go run with some safety scissors.
Questions? Comments? Requests? Is it a boy or a girl? ronnie_mexxx@yahoo.com
DERRTY ENT. WE ALL W E GOT!!! Well... and these hoes.
Posted by Ron Mexico at 11:30 AM | Comments (566)
February 1, 2006
CHG - Unfadable Part 2
I can’t believe there was even a Part 1 to this shit. WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOOOOFFF!!!
The man who made the game freeze and took home about 12 Mexican Award nominations is back with the remix to his crew/label anthem “Unfadable Part 2.” [watch it now] Obviously the man is looking for some US marketing and product placement, so let me help the man out.
CHG the Unfadable Negro: Destroying European Hip-Hop one pathetic, slurred, ignorant, stereotypical verse at a time.
Schwarzenegro is back on the mic! Doesn’t The Last Action Negro look like he’s related to Chris Brown?
Stop bouncing, nigga. I know it’s what they do on Rap City, but you need rhythm first. Damn, our shit needs “Do Not Attempt At Home, Pumpkin” signs on it.
“I need a bitch with a big ass and a big mouth/ from the Dirty Dirty South.” I would pay money to see this nigga do a half-hour set anywhere in the U.S. Especially somewhere in the south. This nigga would be turned over to the Klan as a public service. Billy Bob and them might send him back though. “Are you nigras sure he’s a nigra?”
Can I even call this nigga a nigga? What is he? Klingon? He embraces the term, but does he share the experience? Shit, he mocks the culture like a motherfucker. Talk about a special kind of poser who doesn’t get it. I blame The Negro Channel, but if them “stopusingthewordnigga” niggas ever needed some help with their argument, they should look no further than this nigga… (*long awkward pause*) nigga!
He’s wearing that bandana in a manner that’s only acceptable for a pre-Spanish-American War bank robber, or a Village Person. Someone needs to take that shit from around his neck and cover his leaking ass with it. If I may quote The Birdman, a far superior MC, “[I] look in yo’ eyes, see nuttin’ but bitch!”
Oh shit! He kinda looks like Vordul from Cannibal Ox. Sorry, Vordul, but it’s kinda true.
"African chicks that lick on dicks" sure do have low self-esteem these days. These girls in CHG’s “gangsta party” obviously have seen nothing but Soul Train to pattern their moves after. The saddest part of all is that someone has to watch all of this and okay it for mass consumption.
CHG, Dear friend of Talkin’ Videos. Please continue to make songs and videos of this caliber. My readership consists largely of hip-hop fans who are bored to tears at their jobs. One of them is probably your moms. Please continue to spend your allowance on these tracks and videos. If you wouldn’t mind, do another video on top of her Volkswagen. That shit was gangsta as hell. The only suggestion I’d like to make is this: While you’re holding that baseball bat, you need to go on and beat your head back into normal human shape.Peace,
Ronaldo Horacio Mexico
Nigga WHUUUUUUUT?!
Questions? Comments? Requests? Missed your favorite video ho's shout-out in the song? ronnie_mexxx@yahoo.com
Posted by Ron Mexico at 10:59 AM | Comments (39)