TALKIN' VIDEOS
the latest HATE on Hip-Hop TV, Movies and Music Videos
Talkin' Videos 2005 Awards - Capitulo Uno: The End-troduction
Posted on January 25, 2006 8:00 AM
(*cue corny ass music*)
First of all, I want to thank all of you net nerds for a stellar 2005. This program hopes to reach you happy, healthy and brimming with hate for 2006.
For the next few days we'll be handing out awards to our favorite music videos and the recording artists painstakingly attached to them. Much like Emmys (named after Emmy, the patron deity of Television), Oscars (named after the Grouch who saved cinema), and Tonys (a name ambiguous and unisex enough to represent the clouded sexuality of theater people), Talkin' Videos presents its big winners with Mexicans.
Before we officially get started, I'd like to do something the world has been asking of me since last May. Like Martin Sheen AKA Ramon Estevez, Sr. shaking it up for everyone and simultaneously explaining the Charlie/Emilio thing, I confess that I am a beaner. I was born Ronaldo Horacio Mejico in Honduras to bean farmers. I was smuggled to all the way to Texas in a Jansport and forced to listen to Lionel Richie chopped and screwed back in the 80s until I finally found hip-hop. Gracias a Dios that I did. Back then hoes didn't want me. Now I'm hot. Hoes all on me.
I want to thank everyone that has laughed at life and television right along with us in 2005... and may whoever you pray to bless all ye who understand what we're doing here.
Without further delay... we begin the Talkin' Videos 2005 Awards Ceremony. I'm your master, Ron Mexico! (A proud black man)
Our first Mexican to hand out is the Nipsey Russell award for Worst Hairline.
While there were a few contenders, there was no way anyone was snatching this one from 50 Cent. That butterknife hairline in the video for "Just A Little Bit" makes Curtis Jackson look like Arnold Jackson. Smooth from Long Island's verdict still stands: "It look like Lloyd Banks did his shape-up."
Other nominees: Bravehearts - "Oochie Wally" | Blind Boys of Alabama - "Spirit In The Sky" | Khia - "My Neck, My Back" | Gucci Mane feat. Young Jeezy - "So Icy"
...50 couldn't be here tonight. Accepting the award on his behalf is Bang 'Em Smurf, who on behalf of Queens wishes Brother Nipsey rest in peace.
And now a word from our first sponsor: Popeye's Chicken and Biscuits.
Popeye's would like to commend Ron Mexico on an excellent 2005 full of jokes on our products. Since Talkin' Videos launched last May our profit margins have increased two-fold, and we have even added a breakfast menu in select ghettos. Be on the look our for our new ad campaign in 2006 featuring myself, Bobby Brown, noted Negro humanitarian Ben Vereen and Pretty Ricky. We'd also like to thank weed and spinach dealers all across the 52 states and Puerto Rico. Yes, the ads will be on BET.Sincerely,
Popeye
CEO & Director of Marketing, Popeye's Chicken and Biscuits, Inc.
The next Mexican is the Carson Palmer award for Best Cheapshot Hate.
"How do you joke on blind niggas video? Damn, nigga! They singin about Jesus, too. You gon have a special place in hell, under Satan's nutsack."
What are... Things People Told Ron Mexico after he cracked corn all over the cooning crooning of The Blind Boys of Alabama? It's okay, you don't have to give them change. They'll be taken home by the "Spirit In The Sky." Fuck the bus!... and Fuck Stevie Wonder!
Other nominees: Ying Yang Twins - "Wait" | Empire ISIS - "Whatcha Say About Dat?" | Cowboy Troy - "...Play Chicken..."
Slow down, son. You're killin' em.
Fine. This next Mexican is a nice Mexican. This award is called Ya Mama's Ass. Errrrbody done slept on it.
I know 22 comments is considered respectable to many, and all the important, smarty-art readers came out to show this one support but I will never feel like Pharcyde's - "Drop" video, directed brilliantly by Spike Jonze has gotten its fair shake. A blog about a video of this caliber should be "platinum" off the strength of general dopeness alone. Unfortunately for Fat Lip, Slim Kid Tre, Booty Brown and Imani they and their video are relics of a time when dopeness carried niggas a far greater distance. Okay, maybe y'all just didn't get where I was comin from... Worse yet, maybe you did.
Other nominees: Hot Karl - "Sump'n Changed" | R.A. The Rugged Man - "Lessons" | Unwrapped All-Stars - "Bouncin' Back"
The night's final category.... The Versace "Half-a-homo" award for Batty Behavior.
I must explain this award. While I accept all people for who they are, hip-hop culture as a whole has always frowned upon certain folks. This hypocrisy and bigotry has obviously left a few artists confused here and there over the years. I guess the thin line between love and hate is another culprit.
The Mexican goes to Onyx All-Star Point Guard (Sunset Park) and Black Teen Idol (Moesha?) Fredro Starr, who was whistled for a Linestep penalty worth 15 yards and an automatic first down when we tackled his video for "Perfect Chick" off of the Firestarr album. That fuckin R. Kelly "12 Play" vest is Versace all the way. The man has fallen from grace. Once known for throwing his gunz in the air and endangering the lives of countless other people of color in the projects, Fredro is now seen as only capable of shooting Versace himself... in a fit of jealous rage. Perfect Chick... riiiiight. Well if you find her, she won't believe you like girls, Munchkin King.
Other nominees: Ray J - "One Wish" | Frankie J - (Whatever video of his we did) | Cowboy Troy - "...Play Chicken..."
That's right, bitches. This is just the tip of the iceberg. No homo. Tune in tomorrow and Friday where we bring this shit home strong. We've still to announce the winners for Filthiest Hate, Coon of The Year, the coveted Kids' Choice Award and Video of the Year (among many others.)
Questions? Comments? Requests? Wanna be part of the Academy next year? ronnie_mexxx@yahoo.com
Comments
holy shit im the first to blog terrorize Ron. I won't cuz you rock RON fuck DRAKMAN BLAKMAN or whatever he says he is peace and keep killing these pussy internet nerds. Two
This blog is too funny
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LMFAO!!!This has to be one of the funniest blogs I've read on here.
Wow...... that was really funny.im just mad yall didnt create the award for shuckin an' jivin in '05 cause there was plenty of that in '05.
Ha! Born in Honduras to bean farmers... that's classic! Now all your confused haters are really going to be unsure about who you are. Good work Ronaldo!
Allen I,
"Coon of the Year" = tomorrow.
Thanks for the love... This is for Y'ALL!
Let's get it.
Ronnie....! Let's make MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hell yeah, my nigga!
We gotta do somethin special for Black History Month like you did last year with that radio station!
I am officially submitting my application for admittance to the Acadamy. I gotta alot of hate for these corn ball videos. Could we please nominae MOBB DEEP for the
G.D.L.D.(Get Down or Lay Down)video award for "Have a Party"? Eff what you think, $.50 DISSED them in "Piggy Bank" and now these dudes is gettin' tattoos, singin' and shit. How dude go from "...another slug tear through your right clavicle" to "My face is Hollywood" ? Disclaimer: I am NOT trying to turn this blog into an Interscope Advertisement.
I think Frijoles Goya would be an excellent sponsor for tomorrows award show.
Good job
Good shit Ronnie.
I suggest finding a link to the 'Superman theme' for the corny music.
And may I nominate Young Gunz, for the 'Kids Choice Award' per the Kat Williams diss 'Palm Pilot'.
Or
Mase for his 'Crucified 4 Tha Hood' album cover.
I have one more award catagory:
The Dave Chapelle "When Keepin' It Real Goes Wrong" Award:
Nominees
Cassidy
Gucci Mane
Special Consideration:
Jim Jones and Cam'Ron for the Pittsburg and DC incidents respectively.
Wait... guys... your submissions to be on the Academy are for NEXT year. This year's awards are already done.
But you are defintiely more than welcome to make suggestions and guesses.
Katt Williams has a Young Gunz diss? Money Mike done got at them little niggas, huh?
sk... that's some funny shit! That's more along the lines of the Irreverent awards. These are video awards.
But yes... that's hilarious!
But next year there will be no Cassidy, Gucci Mane, Dipset
You're right Ronnie.
My public education has failed me once again.
VIDEO AWARDS...
I'll repeat until it sinks in.
I'm going back to the drawing board for some suggestions for next year.
My GUESS for 'Kids Choice' will be the video for 'Laffy Taffy'.........the punchline for that is so easy I won't even bother.
You said you were listening to Lionel Richie "chopped and screwed", i need some of what ur smokin! LOL!!!
You know I want to be part of the academy Ron!! Sign me up!
Nipsey Russell...lmao that was EXCELLENT.
Was it a greatest hits of Lionel Ron? Cause that would be live if it had all night long screwed and chopped. Ka-Ka-Karamu, fi-fi-fieeeestaaaaa, foreverrrrrrrrrrr
I don't care...the blind guys video was FUNNY!!! And Ron's observations were correct...like honestly would guys that are singing about THA LAWD wear pimp suits?! Hell to the NAW
I'm interested in Filthiest Hate...that should be a good one.
That is some funny shit Michael Vick hopping out of his Valtrex chopper.Keep Doing your thing Ron Mexxx.
Ron keep doing your thing with these funny ass bloggs, maybe one day some rich white dude will turn your bloggs into a Reality show or a cartoon like Boondocks. Thanks for helping me pass time when i should be working!!
Oh, smokey... it's like you'd read my mind.
That's why I fucks with you, my nigga.
I wasn't sure if that was M. Vick but that shit is hilarious. But keep me on file for next years awards ceremony. BTW, who gets this year's Lifetime Achievement Award?
I have heard Lionel Richie chopped and screwed before and Stevie Wonder!
Ron Mexico (WHO?!)
Back then they didn't want him, now he's a bean farmer and they ALL on him...
Careful Ronnie, don't beans make you toot?
Very unatrractive. but see now the lame haters are still in doubt of your true identity.
Oh! By the way. Are you going to have A Touchdown Award?
I know one can beat the master, but there were some definate runner ups :)
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