TALKIN' VIDEOS
the latest HATE on Hip-Hop TV, Movies and Music Videos
Talkin' Videos 2005 Awards - Hot Shots: Part Deux
Posted on January 26, 2006 8:00 AM
Today's installment of the Talkin' Videos 2005 Awards has been brought to you by the Woolrich Crack Dealer 2006 (formerly known as the Arctic Parka).
The Crack Dealer '06 is guaranteed to keep you and your cocaine bundle warm in even the most brutal of winter cold. The project stairs have never felt quite this cozy! And with all those pockets and linings the cops won't even know where to start. Woolrich... "Stack your paper, player!"
This jacket is not to be confused with the Carjacker 2006 (formerly known as the Elite Arctic Parka).
...and now, on with the awards.
These Mexicans are so cheap, we're practically giving them away!
The next 2005 mini-hombre is the highly-controversial Steve Harvey award for Coon of the Year.
To their credit, none of these nominees have done a Denny's spot or insulted Paul Mooney while simultaneously massaging the clitoris of Diana Ross, but these niggas (and crackas) are all pretty coonified in their own special way. While it came down to the wire, we decided that no artist's videos have discredited his/her race more than Cowboy Troy's hick-hop adventures in the form of "I Play Chicken With The Train" and "If You Don't Wanna Love Me." Negroes, cowboy hats, flannel, and an undying love for massa's lemon juice and Pledge body scent do not mix.
Other nominees: Gwen Stefani (via Pharrell) - "Can I Have It Like That?" | T-Pain - "I'm Sprung" | CHG - "Tha Game Will Freeze"
(This is Coonboy Troy's third nomination and first Mexican. He's really used to banging white chicks on mechanical bulls and pulling "big black trains.")
Being that it's Thursday, it's only appropriate that we hand out the Ice Blue and Burgundy Philadelphia Phillies jersey award for Throwback of the Year today.
No discredit to MJ or Pharcyde or the other great throwbacks we've had in '05, but The Roots - "What They Do" video may be the most important hip-hop video of the past 10 years. This poignant, satirical look at hip-hop's visual representation was just what the genre needed to see. Unfortunately, no one saw it. I mean... It was dead in the middle of the Puffy era. Wasn't nobody trynna hear all that headwrap, readin, writin and eatin' right shit! Niggas wanted to hear about Versace shades and shootouts for 20 minutes until we finished! Yet and still, The Roots reign supreme in the throwback category. Now all these niggas need to do is make another album on par with Illadelph Halflife.
Other nominees: Michael Jackson - "Remember The Time" | Ja Rule feat. Bobby Brown - "Thug Lovin'" | Pharcyde - "Drop"
Ever wonder where the Mexicans come from? Long-time reader-turned Talkin' Videos correspondent daReal lil vato/burner boy/lil mijo takes us backstage and explains how these Mexicans are made.
"THANK YOU RON!!!!!!! i been watchin how da mexicanos is made back here. im jus glad it aint no real mexicans makin da mexicans its chinos really makin it in a swetshop like on oprah! ORPAH is from CHICAGO!!!!! LIKE ME!!! Did you know its a lot of gangs in Chicago!!! yea its la raza, igds, vice lords and all kinds of gangstas out here. it aint no faggot ass shit like where dem whiteboys is from. LOOK AT YOU READIN THIS!!! YOU PROBLY WHITE PRETENDIN TO BE BLACK!! AHAHAHAHA!!! cant none of you pussys fuck wit da chi!... back to you, ron!"
Thank you, vato. We appreciate that. Now everyone knows how the Mexican awards are made.
Next up... The Jimmie Walker award for Ug-Mugs (Ugliest Artist in a Video).
Cello! (pronounced: chel-LOW)
We have dealt with some truly busted video hoes and hideous recording artists. For some reason, niggas from New Orleans really have that department on lock. Is there something in the water down there? Wait... Them niggas don't got running water, nevermind. For this reason we have our first tie in the Talkin Videos Awards' brief history. Rodney Hill AKA "Chopper" and Christopher Dorsey AKA "B.G. AKA B. Gizzle" each get the most deformed Mexican in the sweatshop for their appearances in "I See You Lil' Daddy" and "Where Dey At?" (or "Y'all Heard of Me," it doesn't fucking matter.) Special shoutout to zipper mouth from Czar Nok! You deserve this award too!
Other nominees: Czar-Nok - "Hercules" | Chah-layyy Wilson - "Charlie, Last Name Wilson" | Lil' Kim - "Lighters Up"
and now, another word from a sponsor:
(Ron Mexico note: I didn't want to post these slogans, but they threatened to withdraw the check if I didn't. Sorry, niggas!)
"Hennessy XO. Something to save your check for."
and
"Like you Negroes need to be anymore fucked up."
Ron Mexico... Never blend in with skeezers, skanks, skunts, stunts, cank stoochie, pawnk bitches and house niggas!
Hey, man. They got Marvin Gaye doin' these shits now too!
Sigh...
Closing out today's festivites is the ever-so-coveted Jerry Lee Lewis Kids' Choice Award. This award is not to be confused with the nigga who has the Labor Day telethon for the special kids. It's also not named the R. Kelly award because... well... we've all made that joke at least once already.
No one puts their affections on the line harder than girls age 14 and under (except G-Unit fans). Being e-cussed by a 9-year-old girl on my blog is sometimes the highlight of the workday. The joy of removing that little girl's mama's home telephone number and address before all types of sexual predators and deviants get a hold of it can't even be measured. Of all of the groups they will show their undivided loyalty to for all of a year and a half, none evoked more catharses or got more training bras in a bunch than the first boy band of crunk, Ugly Luther.
The Artist of the Year-nominees knocked off the likes of B5, Ray-J, 50 Cent, Bow Wow and Chris Brown. If I didn't close that damn Pretty Ricky - "Grind With Me" blog I'm convinced it would still be clocking 20 responses per day. Guess what, girls. Those are still female stripper names. Don't be mad. The shit's true. After you've long since forgotten about them, you'll take your place at the pole only to recall that your own stage name is Pleasure. You'll then only be able to shake your head and remember what I told you.
Oh, what a 17th birthday that will be!
Other nominees: B5 - "You Got Me" | Chris Brown feat. Juelz Santana - "Run It" | Bow Wow feat. Omarion - "Let Me Hold You" | anything by 40 Cent (cuz he dropped that dime, I hear)
Questions? Comments? Requests? Sad your favorite artist hasn't gotten a Mexican yet? Don't worry, there's still tomorrow! ronnie_mexxx@yahoo.com
P.S.: Yo, did anybody catch Drawn Together last night? That shit was ill.
Comments
First!
Again, I'm the first to post and want to shot out all the little kids that made these awards possible. All you had to do was feed them "Taco Smell" and these little abandonments went straight to work for over ten hours. And you thought mexicans were lazy! Well It's back to my Henessey XO since I am just a white boy trying to be black. One hate!
I swear, when I saw the Jimmy Walker, my first guess was Czar-Nok!
"Be 'bout cho paypa, be 'bout cho cheez"
I know nigga... last time you erased shorties adress!!!
Damnnn! had a nigga driving for hours
Damn The Czar-Nok Boy need an award for the worse ice-grill ever and for the cheapest uggliest hoes in a video! period
LMAO @ Celo= chel-LOW. Ronny Mex, you of the effin' hook. How do you say "busy signal" in mexican? That should be your new name. Like Prince had that sign/glyph? When folks click on your blog you just have the sound of a busy signal. I actually saw that Roots video and I think Biggie actually dissed them in an article in the Source B.B.(Before Benzino) because he thought htey were takin' shots at him. That's the first time I ever saw a Pit Bull lookin' shook. LOL. Most Deformed Mexican/Priceless.LOL
Shits funny as Hell
Is that Ben Stiller wearin the 'stow away windmask'
State Property Clothing dont got shit on Woolrich
lol@ Jimmy Walkers pic.. he looks like D.Chapelle just got a Roc deal
The Ug-Mugs were good choices, However I strongly feel that Big Gipp(Grillz) shoulda won that one
Its good you wrote the Curtis joke at the end, that way most of these ignorants stans wont even get to it. This is prolly the most some people on this site have read in years, and by the time theyre done reading we'll be on Capitulo Tres.
P.S: Thanks Ron for keeping sohh blogs entertaining while some of us are at work, during 'Pink Panther week'
That "Drawn Together" was ill. Foxy with that tumor on her "stereotype inhibitor lobe" or what ever was bananas. " Mamma little baby like shortnin', shortnin', Mama's little baby love shortnin' bread...." Captain Hero in a wheel chair. I waitin' for Christopher Reeves family to sue. "NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!"
DAMN, DAT PRETTY RICKY BLOG KEPT ME GOING THRU MY BORING WORK DAY DIS SUMMER, DAT SHYT WAS HILARIOUS.....I KNOW THOSE DUMB CHICKS DID NOT BELIEVE THESE CATS WOULD BE THE NEXT "BIG" THING....MUST B FCKN JOKIN....AND OH YES, N'ORLEANS HAS A WHOLE HEAP OF UGLY NYGGAS IN DA RAP GAME....CUZ C-MURDA WAS ONE UGLY NYGGA GIRLS USE TO SWEAT FOR SOME MIRACULOUS REASON
Damn...I'm afraid to ask...did vato REALLY type that? Because if he didn't, that was an uncanny rendition of one of his post.
Duh, Ugly Luther was going to win. That was a shut out. Damn...you were alittle rough on those prepre-pubescent girls. Funny nonetheless.
Yeah....drawn together was hilarious...especially liked the part where Hero put on his glasses to read the novel on Foxy's vagina.
Those Jackets are tight, I just ordered one of them. Too bad I dont sell coke.
Niggas be going outta state just to buy the Hennessy XO, we dont got it in Wyoming.
I simply cannot judge a dude's looks. That's just too "Brokeback" for me. I know it's some cats you help but say "Dayum" like Flava-Flav and Craig Mack but that were it stops. My dilemma is how to judge that s/he on the sohh atlanta blog...........
dump, dump, dump, dump, dump, dump, dump, dump, dump, dump, dump, BROKEBACK!
dump, dump, dump, dump, dump, dump, dump, dump, dump, dump, dump, ON MY WHITE ASS!
hate, hate, hate,
hate, hate, hate,
I'll be your homo bait...
LMAO @ the stan skdamc!!! I've finally arrived!!!! i have a cyber-stan!!!! Wait until I tell my homey Caff!!
Philly all DAY!!!! LOL
Jamiroquai: Space Cowboy
thats all i have to say Ron
Jamiroquai: Space Cowboy....
..
...
....
Jamiroquai: Space Cowboy
oh yeah... we throwin back to that one.
Tears fall down around (skdamc) window, and he can't sleep at all...
U know I'm stan skdamc. I was the nigga that fucked skdamc wife, fucked skdamc life, even pimped his family now skdamc barely live in strife.
sk da mc... u r my next pussy.
u gon get FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKED...........!
oooooooooooooooookkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
ANYWAY!
niiiiiiiiice Space Cowwwboyyyy
Funny but a little harsh on New Orleans A.K.A. chopper city.
To/About skdamc:
WHAT the fuck? Should you be ignored...?
To/About skdamc:
WHAT the fuck? Should you be ignored...?
Posted by: Darth Detox at January 26, 2006 07:13 PM
No, some fuck stan keep talkin shit bout me... He's a fuckin loser.
Chahlayyyy Wilson deserves an award for something....anything. Mr. Ed award maybe?
I don't know what was more funny the word Touchdown and Chris Brown, or Laughing at all the little girls getting mad about pretty ricky! Has anyone seen the Pretty Ricky and Pitbull video, THAT shit had me laughing for hours! Ron you GOT to get that shit on here.
Smokey... Check the archives. We did that one on December 20, 2005.
Meezy got jokes! Slow down son, you filling them with octane.. I been reading all kinds of ish from the low (XXL/The Source) to the high (Blink , Tipping Point by Malcom Gladwell etc etc in a cashmere sweater..) and I have to say you got skills son.
Ron Meezy shining a light on SOHH many crab-ass blog writers. SOHH Blogs needs to use you as a yardstick for this blog ish son.
Shout out to my mans on the Smoking section though. Thats ya only comp right now kid. Even though their subject matter has the semblance of more gravitas than yours...
But hey its all about the critique of the culture that we love and boy do we love to hate on those that have no real love. Real Talk.
LMFAO...at the Kid's Choice Award Nominees. Funny shit!!! Oh yeah and thank you for taking down that Pretty Shitty blog.
Black,
Thanks for the love, holmes! Good looks. I'm honored.
Ashley... You know that shit had to stop.
Detox, I like my vato impersonation as well. I'd like to think I got the kid down cold.
Ron- that impression of Vato was so on point I'm starting to wonder if he is really you just being funny to start some shit... nah, I don't think it would be possible to come up with some of the retarded shit that cat has said. Good work!
hahaha.
G Off, you can't make up the shit that that dude says!
I'd like to think I'm a funny nigga... but that's kid is too much.
too funny
You can't be 87510 serious?!?
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