January 2006 Archives

Ah! The kind of smile that could light a room up!

Since we’ve had such horrible luck challenging these girls’ intellect, talent and abilities, I guess he thought he’d challenge them at shit they had no control over and hope for better results. Being the genius and crack-spot pimp that he is, Huggy Bear, I mean Flavor, had his hoes lined up for a luck contest.

Taking your girls to a roulette wheel is like taking your retarded children to the shooting range. Hit or miss, it ain’t they fault.

If watched “The Boondocks” last night you know it was a rerun of the first episode, “The Garden Party.” And for you avid readers of this blog (I know you all are), then you know I was supposed to get up with Asheru, the creator of the show’s theme song and writer of the controversial MLK speech that is making the rounds on the ‘Net. But that didn’t happen (Asheru, get at me!).

So, instead I thought I we should take a minute to recap the series’ first five episodes since the good folks at Cartoon Network have already renewed the series for a second season. What was your favorite episode? Favorite quotable?

We'll return to the Mexican Awards after this word from our sponsor...

"Ummm... We're sorry, I guess?

Dear Black people,

We'd like to apologize for the manner in which our network has represented you and your culture in recent years. We'd like to inform you that the station is now under new management, that scamp Robert Johnson is out the door, and we have just signed something that we like to call the Emancipation Proclamation. We hope you enjoy your newfound benefits in the best of health.

Please continue to 'move them buttcheeks!'

Sincerely,
The NEW White Folks In Charge"

...okay, let's bring this shit home, bitches.

Today's installment of the Talkin' Videos 2005 Awards has been brought to you by the Woolrich Crack Dealer 2006 (formerly known as the Arctic Parka).

The Crack Dealer '06 is guaranteed to keep you and your cocaine bundle warm in even the most brutal of winter cold. The project stairs have never felt quite this cozy! And with all those pockets and linings the cops won't even know where to start. Woolrich... "Stack your paper, player!"

This jacket is not to be confused with the Carjacker 2006 (formerly known as the Elite Arctic Parka).

...and now, on with the awards.

(*cue corny ass music*)
First of all, I want to thank all of you net nerds for a stellar 2005. This program hopes to reach you happy, healthy and brimming with hate for 2006.

For the next few days we'll be handing out awards to our favorite music videos and the recording artists painstakingly attached to them. Much like Emmys (named after Emmy, the patron deity of Television), Oscars (named after the Grouch who saved cinema), and Tonys (a name ambiguous and unisex enough to represent the clouded sexuality of theater people), Talkin' Videos presents its big winners with Mexicans.

This episode of Flavor of Love really had me fucking dying.

Last week we learned that you can’t make a ho into a housewife. This week we learned that we can’t make a ho love her some Jesus. This week’s challenge? Flavor Flav awakens the girls only to make them get dressed in 30 minutes (GASP!) and accompany himself and his mama, Mrs. Drayton to church... Then they fry some chicken.

…Oh, this should be fun.

This week’s episode of “The Boondocks,” aptly titled “The Itis,” makes me glad I went vegetarian for ’06. As much as a brother loves fried chicken and waffles (shout out to Amy Ruth’s in Harlem), I had to put down the poultry for the new year in an effort to get healthier. We had already given up beef and pork a few years back. And if you watched last night’s episode, you see whyâ€"soul food, as good as it is, will kill you… if you’re not careful.

Now, I’m not Muslim nor am I one of those vegetarians that passes judgments on those who partake in the flesh, but having grown up in a traditional Southern family, where EVERYTHING is cooked in pork, I have seen the effects of a soul food diet first-hand -- diabetes, strokes and heart disease, anyone? And we wonder why the black community is so unhealthy? I am not saying that you should never enjoy a good “Luther,” or a piece of fatback, in fact there are times when I want to backslide myself, but the risks for me far outweigh the rewards. I have way too much venom and sarcasm to spread to leave this planet early.

The Touchdown King has returned. Thank god Juelz isn't back for anymore sloppy seconds on 15-year-olds.

For the weekend you will be left with Chris Brown’s second video installment “Yo/Gimmie That.” [watch above] I’m convinced Pterodactyl Boy can do that fake ass krumpin shit for days on end without having to be rewound.

The name is Big Daddy... You know... as in your father!

We try as hard as possible not to half-step on Throwback Thursdays. That's why we're taking you back to the middle of the projects. It's been a while since the party was here... where it should be. Big Daddy Kane and his team of squires that includes Scoob, Sauce Money and Jay-Z join forces with the Wu-Tang Clan (represented by a child and a crackhead) to bring "Show 'N' Prove" [watch above] alive. I wonder how many boxes of condoms and Tommy Hilfiger polos ODB and Shyheim were able to buy with their take.

That's a little ghetto algebra for you bitches.

Due to station blackouts and other various technical shit, the Talkin' Videos 2005 Awards have been postponed another week. I offer my most sincere apology to those who were expecting to close this week out with those.

Today we'll get into a little international shit. Backed by the Mexican Award-Nominated Diplomats, SAS is England's Robin Byrd Gang representation. Their video "Cheerio" [watch it now] teaches children that you can front no matter where you are. Soon, misguided youths from Ireland to India will be wearing pink furs claiming to be young, hard and faaaaaabulous. I really can't wait.

Sup, It’s Ron Mexico. Welcome to this week’s installment of The Black-chelor.

I must say, I don’t think Foofy Foofy has enjoyed this kind of selection since he went to the All-You-Can-Smoke rock buffet on Jerome Avenue. Only after you have tasted a selection of afternoon delights of that sort could you embark on the world's oldest impossible quest: turning a ho into a housewife. I'm sure it's written somewhere in Leviticus that this is impossible, like looking directly into the sun.

Of course this doesn't mean it's not entertaining as shit to watch Flavor Flav try. Let Extreme Hoin' Challenge: Flavor Edition commence!

Happy MLK Day, people! It’s your man Dark writing to you live from the SOHH compound. Yes, they got us working on the brother Martin’s birthday. I’m not thrilled but things could be worse. Right, Dave? Anyway, let’s get down to why we are all hear… “The Boondocks.”

Last night’s episode, “The Return of the King,” posed the question: What if MLK hadn’t been killed on that faithful April day in Memphis? The episode shows what might have happened if Dr. King woke up from a decades long coma to find our people in the condition we’re in. Deep, huh? Well, for those of you who saw it you know it only gets deeper.

"Yo, Ron! Why the fuck we talkin about Korn, nigga?"

I am well-prepared for this question, bitches and bitchettes. Korn’s newest video “Twisted Transistor” [watch above] is a pretty damn funny parody of their life and experience in the music industry. It also features lead appearances from Lil Jon, David Banner, Xzibit and Snoop Dogg.

Take that. Rewind it back.

Before he became the man we know and love today, Usher was a talented little Hatian boy with murderous dance moves and above average vocal skills looking for that one hit that would propel him into superstardom. “Nice & Slow” [watch it now] wasn’t quite the record, nor was “My Way” quite the album. Urshurrr would need a couple of bit parts in movies and an “8701” before the Michael Jackson comparisons would officially set in.

Now the nigga is just a nosejob away.

Doesn't that look like a Tiger Beat cut-out or some shit?

50 Cent got 2 miniature thug rapper dolls for his birthday and he’s just getting around to putting in their batteries and playing with them. Mobb Deep’s first official attempt for Massa Curtis (on his movie’s soundtrack) is “Have A Party” [watch it now] featuring bossman himself and O.G. thug crooner Nate Dogg.

He’s still never met a girl that he’s loved in the whole wide world.

So in tonight's episode starts off with the remaining 15 hoodrats talking smack about each other - like women do. Something popped off between New York and Georgia but it's not clear exactly what went down. But you know it's some she-say-she-say bullshit. All you can do is hope that they get physical and some boobies will pop out.

Happy New Year, peoples! “The Boondocks” is back… and therefore so am I. I know y’all missed me [Pausing for applause.]

So, last night’s episode, “The Real,” tackled the idea of reality versus reality shows. And while it was funny, the episode seemed to lack a certain punch. For example, where was the reference to the way Blacks are portrayed on reality TV? I don’t know how many times I can see the “crazy Black chick” (Hey Omarosa) or the “angry Black man” (typified by one of my personal heroes/the original “angry Black man,” Kevin Powell) stereotypes played out on the flat screen. I know Aaron McGruder has touched on this subject in his strip, so I am just wondering why he didn’t feel the need to translate it to the animated series.

That said, the show’s take on “reality” shows like “Pimp My Ride” and “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition” was great. Both shows, particularly “Extreme Makeover,” appear to want to help people or give to those who have not but in reality they just lavish them with things… like a hydraulic beds, watermelon patches and fried chicken dispenser in their homes.

This video ain’t all that new, but it’s new to The Negro Channel, so we gotta do it.

Since Eminem wouldn’t do it for ya, you can always count on Ronaldo H. Mexico to lean into Mr. Mathers’ video like a touchdown to a short bus window. Wait... Sorry... This video actually belongs to some dude named Trick Trick. Eminem provides the good half of the single "Welcome to Detroit" [watch it now], for which we examine a video today. You've all seen 8 Mile. Now it's time to see the Gangstalicious side of things.

Why this one? Because "Straight Outta Comption" is just a little cliché, wouldn't you say?

The zaggin who made "running from the cops" videos look waaaaaay cooler than it actually is had fully reloaded in 1990. Short one member, N.W.A. didn't give half of a fuck and stuck to the formula with "Hundred Miles and Runnin'" [watch it now] This video had zaggin all over the country talkin about "Yeah, I did a Eazy-E on them mothafuckas!" whenever someone got away from the cops.

Sidebar: (In case you haven't noticed) In honor of the video, group and album, I will be referring to "niggas" (in the plural) as "zaggin" for the duration of today's column.

Prepare yourselves for what I’m about to say.

The new Black Eyed Peas video is pretty damn dope! What feels like the 9th video from their latest album, “Like That” [watch it now] is a high quality, creative, aesthetically beautiful display that features some welcome familiar voices and faces in Q-Tip, Cee-lo, Talib Kweli & John Legend.

With that said, these niggas is still coons and they still fell off.

As per reader request, we be burnin’, yo… and freezing… and waiting around in the rain like Ray J. Somehow I get the idea that Sean Paul didn’t go down on Lil’ Kim or Superhead, though. Today’s selection “Temperature” [watch it now] combines the dance steps we’ve come to know and love from Shauna Paul’s videos with an attempt at clever subliminal imagery within the context of the seasons changing.

Consensus: Some niggas need to stick to spittin hard and makin beef patties.

SMH. I want to hate on Flavor Flav's new show Flavor Of Love, but it's something about one former crackhead surrounded by twenty semi-sexy hoodrats with low self-esteem that make this 2006's FIRST MUST SEE TV SHOW.