TALKIN' VIDEOS

This and every weekend, I'll be scrounging the review comments and digging in my email to share the haps with you ladies and chaps. This one's really long since it backtracks to the beginning of June (when the Pretty Ricky debacle began), but it had to be done!

I'm going to sound like a broken record this week... but no more! People say talk a lot about "hatin" on this column. Little do they realize that they are haters themselves for throwing salt on a young man's job as a comedic reviewer. Some strange creatures exist one the internet, homies! Me nah care! Let's get into it!

(About Damian Marley - "Welcome to Jamrock")

Positive song?
2 pound a weed inna van bak?
rassssssssssssssssssssssss
Posted by: Alvaro from BedStuy at June 13, 2005 04:26 PM

Bumbaclot, Alvaro! Me neva seh “positive” inna de whole a me review, breddrin! I actually said “powerful” and “conscious.” By starting off the song with such powerful verbal imagery, Damian Marley effectively laid the foundation for a well-written tune that chronicles the life and times of the average resident of Jamrock. (Himself not included.)

(About Juelz Santana - "Mic Check")

CAM'RON'S MINI ME IS TRYING TO DO A JAY-Z. YOU SEE HE STAYED AT ROCA-FELLA. BUT WHAT DUDE WOULD SAY HE IS CRACK. THAT MEANS HE IS CHEAP AND IN A NICCA'S ASS ON THE BLOCK
Posted by: BIGGUCCI at June 14, 2005 01:17 PM

(About Khia - "My Neck My Back")

khia my neck my back
wat a interesting song haha
fo real doe, she sayin niggas yall punks get on yo knees eat some pussy.
cuz dudes always tryin to get ladies to suck dey shit, now do suttin
she speakin for errywoman, but hahaha yeah w/e
i give her props cuz she reppin dat DIRRTY DIRRTY SOUF , i love southern muzik errything dis mami right hea keep it rich and southern
but ay i give her props, i love da song, and whether u like it or not it got out everywhea, so suck some donkey dick if u aint pleased.
and for all yall dumb niggas/crackers talkn bout i wouldnt lick dis and dat on her
WTF make yall think she talkin to u nigga?...think about it , and let it marinate
Posted by: the finest at June 16, 2005 05:55 PM

I am all for equality! I am glad when there is something to balance out the chauvinism in mainstream music. Women shouldn’t always be told to suck on the frank. Sometimes men should be told to get on their knees! However, just like when an ugly ass male rapper has a song about what girls need to be doing to him and some women flip, the same needs to be true for “runaway-slave lookin’ ass hoe[s]” as my man BONZ said.

P.S.: I hope to whatever you pray to that she's not talking to me. I don't need to let it marinate (like the ribs on her grill).

(About Fredro Starr - "Perfect Chick")

l think most of yall niggaz is haters. Why can`t u let a brother be, the song ain`t all that, but it`s just a song. U think dude`s gotta come out gully all the time. No wonder why good music no longer sells, cause most of u freaks be just waiting to look on the negative side of things. That shows you are frustrated with your own life and don`t want to see someone try do something. Everything is bad, should have done this or that. Man fuck yall niggaz man, u make me sick. Music is about having fun, not killing each other on the song. No wonder why u think Jay-Z is one of the greatest when he ain`t got shit meaningfull to say. Most of the rappers ain`t about shit, always thinking they talking something talking about they life story. Man, everybody has got a story to tell. Noone needs to hear about your life. Who the fuck r u. l would rather listen to MJ and moonwalk. Man fuck hiphop, wish we could have the days of BIG and Mase back, Puffy wanted people to have a good time, which is what music is all about or supposed to be about. BIG rapped about guns and drugs, but u could tell dude was just telling a story and u could feel the way he narrated it. lt sounded like u be watching a movie. So please stop hating on anyone trying to entertain us, and support each other. lf u don`t like it shut the fuck up or do something better.
Posted by: that nucca at June 10, 2005 07:32 AM

Yeah, yeah… I understand all that, but did you SEE THAT VEST, son!

Seriously. I hear you on the hate… but as others have said, we just crack on videos. That’s as far as it goes. And what you think this is 1997? Callin' a nigga a hater don't mean shit no more!

While music is supposed to make us have fun, there’s more to it than that. I too enjoyed the fun times we had in 1997 in all of our jiggy bliss! However, in your Mexico witch hunt, you are neglecting the business aspect of the music industry that is trying to force us to have fun with negativity and nonsense. You tell me to eternally stay positive, yet you tell me not to “hate” on any entertainer… when most of my “victims” here in this column promote something blatantly negative or ignorant. The entertainers whose job it is to entertain us are also commissioned to fill our heads with bullshit and negativity. Why? Because it sells. When someone like myself steps outside of the box and cracks a mere joke on the machine, he’s brought down by the lemmings of society and called a “hater.”

P.S.: If you don’t like my shit, you can take your own advice and shut the fuck up. But I’d never be so disrespectful as to tell you something like that. Thanks for dropping by, my nucca!

(About Master P - "Get The Party Crackin'")

dont hate on my nigga p,he sold more records than a bunch of these wack ass niggas rappin now.he really dont need to go platinum no more.this nigga do music for the streets,he really did open doors for the south and real niggas respect him and his hustle.fuck what yall ol hoe cake ass niggas think,no matter what niggas post on websites he still gon make more money then every last one of yall broke ass niggas.it takes a real nigga like me from the south to understand and feel that nolimit shit.so get a job or find something else better to do than post jealous ass comments.
Posted by: J.R.B. at June 7, 2005 02:25 AM

What does anything you said have to do with this horrible song and video? It would be one thing if you said you thought this video was hot, song was hot, etc… Of course I know P is still cakey! It was a joke. I’m a comedy writer. However, I don't think his shit is nearly as "street-oriented" as it was up until "Ghetto D." He seems conflicted by trying to make family entertainment, and shit for the Calliope at the same time. What disturbs me is that shit you said about how you would kill a nigga to Master P. C-Murder said the same shit… What you gonna do? Go shank somebody to Lil' Romeo? See you in the bing next to Mac (if they don't put you in the crazy house)!

I agree entirely with Master P Fan, no one has fallen off harder than Puffy! He has less than 2 years to find a new horse and make good on his 1997 promise: “10 years from now we’ll still be on top.”

(An email about Heather Hunter - "So Serious")

Your opinion is your opinion, but you truly don't understand the business of music. Call Heather want you want, but this women has more courage than most of sociality ever will have. She has done what most of us, including yourself only dream of or keep a secret. You can ramp and rave about what a hoe she is, but what does that make everyone else who thinks about or does the same things behind closed doors. It's people like you that show, how unreal and hypocritical you truly are. How about this, regardless how you call it. She is making happen, and the fact that she is who she will make her. You don't have to like it, but have you ever heard of positive feed back? You judge, but I bet you have been being a video or two getting you rocks off...Hmmm..so what does that make you..Heather Hunter has more power than you and many others, so don't hate player, hate the game. – from srp1968@aol.com

I'm only going to address the 35% of this email that makes grammatical sense:

I understand the music business well enough to know that unless Heather is doing a deep throat video, she has no hope of moving any units. I also understand the concept of sexual liberation. Heather Hunter is a champion of this cause with her pornos, not her rhymes. My jokes stem from the opinion that Heather Hunter is a porn actress with a horribly produced record, worse flow and most importantly, a god awful music video. If Heather Hunter was dope on the mic, she’d be getting her props, believe that! But her history as a porn actress only gives fire to jokes I’m paid to make on her MUSIC video. I understand she has desire to do something else besides porn. That's good for her, as I’m sure her coochie hurts a lot. But maybe her second job shouldn’t be as a rapper! I want a second job. It won't be as an NBA player, you know why? I'm not qualified for that position!

Funny you mention hypocrisy. All I ever hear about is how poorly women are portrayed in music videos, and here you are defending a porn actress with stripper poles and shit talking about absolutely nothing. You would think I was spoofing someone with an uplifting message of some kind.

Okay… now it’s Pretty Ricky time:

I never thought in my wildest dreams that a couple cracks on a boy band in the blog section of a hip-hop webiste would make me 106 & Park’s public enemy #1. Since the responses are far too numerous (and incoherent) for me to single out, this section is devoted exclusively to the melee that has ensued since June 1st.

I don’t have much else to say regarding the review except I hope that these young girls who so feverishly attack a joke column parodying a brand-spanking new boy band will attack their schoolwork with the same fervor when 9th grade rolls around.

These youngsters pulled out every trick in the book to show their support of Pretty Ricky. Some even played the race card. I read (about 75 times) that my jokes on Pretty Ricky were a discredit to black people (though they had no problems with the jokes made on nearly 30 other music videos). Paraphrased loosely, I was told I should applaud Pretty Ricky for being recording artists as opposed to hoodlums and drug addicts. Of course I’m glad Pretty Ricky is doing something somewhat constructive. However, far more dangerous than my joking is the serious implication (by their fans, no less) that being a recording artist with a video on The Negro Channel is what saves a black person from being a criminal and substance abuser. Those are accomplished by being a person of good character, not a singer or rapper with a video on TV. If I may quote Chris Rock: “Niggas always want credit for some shit they SUPPOSED to do.” You’re SUPPOSED to stay away from drugs, you low-expectation-having motherfuckers! If you're waiting for a record label to save you from that, then young black people are in worse shape than I ever thought.

While on the subject, if anything they are far more likely to become substance abusers now with their newfound exposure to money, Hollywood drug culture, and the feeling of invincibility provided by fanatical listeners. Of course, I speak of the type that would bombard my site and email on the behalf of some kids working their immature fan base as well as the system. Shit... I'd smoke a rock to get away from my POPS, if he was anything like Joe Jackson over there.

For all of the young ladies who said I hate Pretty Ricky because they have money, I say nothing could be farther from the truth. My paper strong like Hercules! I applaud when some black folks are getting some money. It just pains me when I see them selling their souls and their asses to do so. What you should be aware of is that the only reason they “makin that paper” is because you pay their salary when you buy a copy of their “Bluestars” album (free plug for my brothers). Moreover, Pretty Ricky is NOT from the hood and do not represent the interest of the ghetto. No matter how many times Slick ‘Em tells you he’s a “thug rebel.” They were in little danger of becoming hoodlums due to their environment. But if you really loved them and read their interviews, you would know that.

As far as my being accused of hating them because they look better than me, I say that it’s not my place to compare. I let adult women do that. I’d take my chances against any one of them if presented to women over the age of 16. This includes the one with the twisses who looks like a ‘roid-raging Tevin Campbell. If I’m mad about anything, it’s that they DID steal my girl. Tallulah! If you’re reading this, I want you back from Spectacular’s arms! I can love you better, baby! I need you, and I miss you.

I can’t get into specific quotes, even though they are all essentially the same thing repeated… But I got this one email I HAVE to share with you guys!

brad fernandez wrote: fcuk you. ugly ass bitch quit talkin shit on reviews, your fcukin` review on pretty ricky is fcukin dumb, fcuk you, stop saying they're all fags n shit, yur jst a stupid idiot, wanna talk shit about any artist? then take it somewhere else, or keep it to yourself yuh fag...

I would say “fcuk you, too” but I’d rather take this time to ask you a question.

Is your email address really confeshunz_8701?... But of course, I'm the "fag"... Good work, sister.

This is my site and my job is to write comedic reviews on mainstream media.

If you don't like jokes on recording artists, then it's you who can "take it somewhere else, or keep it to yourself." Brad has been made a unisex name over the past generation. Maybe you’re squabbling with some identity issues. There are places you can go for that. You don’t have to take your aggression out on music video columnists.

Love,
Ron

In conclusion, I hope one day people will understand that I don’t hate these recording artists, but it is my place to criticize them, as well as it’s yours. To believe that we should love everything we see on TV and hear on the radio is to completely succumb to the whims of the major distribution companies that control what is put on these forms of mass media. I’m proud to say that we do it here in a manner that is creative, entertaining, and far from spiteful. Half the time I’m clowning artists that I personally root for when they're line-stepping. Unfortunately, some of our victims are habitual line-steppers.

Of course, people will never fully understand this novel concept, so I say, this: If you can’t take a joke, you shouldn’t be reading this daily column. I’d hate to be the one that touches a nerve or causes your feelings to be hurt. Coming here and complaining about the jokes is like going to a muslim restaurant and complaining that there’s no pork. You’re in the wrong place, bitches! As for the loyal readers, I love y’all and appreciate all of your support. We’re gonna continue to have a great time with these videos.

Stay classy, San Diego!
I’m Ron Mexico

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Over the counter herpes medication? ronnie_mexxx@yahoo.com