So here we go, Snoop Dogg has entered the pantheon of rappers on reality television. Fortunately for SOHH Left’s insides, Snoop Dogg’s Father Hood appears to be more in the vein of Run’s House than Flavor of Love, ‘cause we’re gonna watch this each week and give it a running diary. This is more E! than I’ve watched in my entire life and getting the last faux patriotic minutes of Girls Next Door is already making me ill. This is (not) going to be good.
10:30
Snoop lives around rich people and has a bumper sticker saying “My Kid Is The Shiznet.â€
10:31
Snoop rhymes Huxtables with vegetables and has crazy nicknames for his kids. This is going to be the greatest fake reality show ever. The first bleeped out curse word happened 17 seconds after the theme song.
10:33
Snoop’s house is a mess. Snoop’s first parenting technique is to accept the challenge of his eldest son for a push-up contest, loser cleans the living room. Snoop wins, even if he wusses out on the last few push-ups.
10:35
Snoop’s stresses: 1) recording a record, 2) the football team, 3) hip-hop police…this is why he needs to go to a doctor. Is his face-tucked Beverly Hills doctor going to prescribe him a cloak of invisibility against the feds? What about a strict regiment for winning over a jury? She'll probably just make his weed legal.
10:37
Snoop is afraid of needles. “It ain’t you, it’s me,†he tells his face-tucked Beverly Hills doctor. The scriptedness of this reality show is already wearing thin. Snoop makes a joke about not eating yogurt when the face-tucked Beverly Hills doctor suggests yoga. The networks call this intellectual vomit “produced reality,†I remember when producing a reality meant putting food on the table.
10:39
Cleaning the house has turned into a silly-string fight. I love rich people.
10:43
Snoop is late for yoga because he had to stop at Roscoe’s with his giant bodyguard. Everyone is staring at the white girl yoga instructor’s breastesses, this is quickly bumpered by a burping contest.
10:45
White girl yoga teacher does not feel Snoop’s joke about opening up her hips. It’s the funniest thing thus far. Namaste.
10:47
Snoop goes to see an acupuncturist. For a man trying to avoid needles, it doesn’t seem like the right place. Hilariously, in that produced reality way, the acupuncturist is blind. Apparently every person outside of the Snoop family has to be easily defined. White girl yoga teacher. Blind acupuncturist. Face-tucked Beverly Hills doctor. You can’t write this stuff! Oh wait, you totally can.
10:52
My girlfriend asks, “Is this show over yet?†No baby, there are like 15 1/3 episodes left. Snoop does the whole “look over there†bit to the blind acupuncturist and runs away.
10:53
The kids play possum when Boss Lady, aka Snoop’s wifey, comes back and they haven’t cleaned up the house. She needs a catch phrase. My money’s on “dogg gone it,†but I heard the writers are on strike.
10:54
Boss Lady blames Snoop’s stress on the kid’s filth, but I don’t remember him listing that. Couldn’t he just hire another cleaning woman?
10:56
A laxative commercial is less painful than Snoop’s produced reality.
10:58
Snoop’s mountaintop is vacuuming. This actually makes more sense than you’d think. We'll see you next week, assuming my brain recovers and my girl forgives me.
