Continued from Ask The Right Questions, Get The Right Answers

It’s official. Today is the day my new book, my memoir is available in bookstores across America, Hiding In Hip Hop — On The Down Low in the Entertainment Industry from Music to Hollywood.

I would like to thank all of the people who ordered the book and sent me the many well wishes for writing my story, our story. Thank You! For those of you who have not gotten your copy, get yours soon, it is an amazing and powerful story, and definitely one that will be a continuous discussion in our community and world years from now.

Man, I swear that nearly every woman has lost her mind after J.L. King’s book, On The Down Low, dropped a few years ago. It sparked a controversy within the black community, and scared the hell out of black women. And for good reason.

But, down low behavior, is nothing new to the gay community. It was and is something we have always been familiar with — men who sleep with men but have wives and girlfriends.

In actuality I have always slept with other men who had wives or girlfriends. Even when I had girlfriends I had sex with men on the side. Yup, I was confused about my sexuality. Yup, it was wrong to be in relationships with women and not tell them about my sexuality. I struggled to be in a monogamous relationship with a woman. I did have a few serious one-on-one relationships with women hoping that it was my cure, my way of leaving the down low life. I actually write about it in my book, Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria/Simon & Schuster), May 2008.

However, I grew up in the black church and I was forced into learning that homosexuality is a sin. I tried to repress my sexual urges for men, but the more I prayed and denied myself, the more I yearned for the touch and feel of a man. And while the minister yelled and screamed from the pulpit about the sins of man, somehow the act of homosexuality was far much worse than any other sin. I would find out years later, as an adult, that no one sin is greater than the other.

I’ve also learned that there are many more down low men than I knew. I thought I was in a bubble, along with the men I was sleeping with. It was just us, no other men like us, but then an explosion happened and the cover was blown. Down low men were everywhere.

Women often ask me if there is some look, sign, or dress that down low men share to identify one another. Unfortunately, there is not. There is no secret code or word. There is nothing that I can pinpoint as a significant indicator of how down low men identify one another.

However, I can share that there are some things women can do to be aware and conscious of a man they feel is sleeping with another man.

First, down low men are very good deceivers. Better yet, they are exceptional liars. Down low men know what to say, when to say it, and how to say it. They can string a woman along and make her feel like she is a queen. But, if you are smart and savvy, you can spot and see through the lies and deception. For example, if your man begins to introduce you to a slew of men, none of whom you never met before, and these new “buddies” never seem to be around after two or three months, then you should start to question these relationships. Ask your man what happened to your man’s new friends and why they never come around. You have a right to raise questions.

Second, a down low man has multiple e-mail accounts, possibly a secondary cell phone, and knows your schedule like clockwork. I’ve been with men who tell me, “My girl is going to be at work this weekend. Let’s hook-up then.” I’ve also been with these men when their woman has called. “Hey baby,” he says. “Yeah, I’m just chilling right now.” I am sitting right next to him while she thinks her man is at home alone.

Ladies, I am not a fan of snooping around, but you have a right to investigate if you suspect him of dipping out on you. When you log onto the computer and you see several different screen names, he’s hiding something from you. If you notice a second cell phone and you don’t have the number for it, he is definitely hiding something from you. But, most importantly, if your gut instincts tell you something is not right, then it probably isn’t. If you accuse him of cheating and sleeping with another man, he will deny it. Trust me, a down low man will never admit to sleeping with another man, especially to his woman. You will have to catch him in the act, and it won’t be easy.

Third, when your man introduces new sexual positions, especially anal sex, and him wanting to have fingers or a dildo inserted inside him, don’t be afraid to ask where he learned or saw this. I am sure he did not wake up one day and decide he wanted to try this. He has been doing this before and, sure, he may be a freak, and into all sorts of kinky things, but you should question these behaviors. Again, this is something I wrote about in my book, Hiding In Hip Hop. Don’t do something you are uncomfortable doing, especially if you have concerns about his sexuality. Your love for him is not based on the type of sex you are willing or not willing to engage in. Love and protect yourself. It’s your body, and your life.

Last, don’t be afraid to speak up and say something. You are more important than you care to think. Having a man in your life is great, but if you have questions, and speculations about his sexuality, new friends, and suspicious lifestyle, then you deserve it to yourself to be careful. Love life and, more importantly, love yourself.

This has been a Terrance Dean advisory for the love and safety of women.

Tomorrow Terrance has more gems to drop.

Terrance Dean is the Author of “Hiding In Hip Hop — On The Down Low in the Entertainment Industry from Music to Hollywood”

www.myspace.com/hidinginhiphop.com