1224 Confessions

Hide & Seek - 'He Was Nowhere To Be Found'

Posted on May 5, 2008 4:38 PM

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Ladies and Gentleman, allow me to introduce myself – my name is Terrance Dean and I am the author of the upcoming book, “Hiding In Hip Hop….On The Down Low in the Entertainment Industry from Music to Hollywood.” It is a memoir of my life as a down low/gay man in the entertainment industry.

This is not my first book. My first book is “Reclaim Your Power! A 30-Day Guide to Hope, Healing, and Inspiration for Men of Color.”

I am a man of color who is committed to the empowerment of my community. I have traveled extensively to speak at colleges, universities, and organizations to share my own inspiring and empowering story. I am a product of my community, my environment, my family, and Hip Hop.

I am human. Flawed. Erred. Imperfect. Yet, I am on the quest to be a better person - a better man. And this blog is going to show you how human I am. You will get to know me, somewhat. This is a small part of who I am. This blog will be a reflection of many of you. Always on the journey to become better. Do better. Live better.

With that, I am sharing my confessions. These confessions are things I have and am currently experiencing with men I have met within the entertainment industry. It’s my Life. Love. And relationships – the ones with many other down low/gay men in this business. Yes, it will be full disclosure. Graphic. Sexy. Hot. Sensual. Whew! I am getting flustered.

Last year, in an undisclosed location, okay, it’s surrounded by water, and has the most beautiful men and women you have ever seen. Did I mention beautiful luscious men?

Well, me and a good friend, “Clever” – he represents many industry people, especially a talented lyrical rapper who is featured on damn near every record currently out, and a balladeer who is the king of songs – Clever and I were chilling up in one of the hottest clubs in this city on a Friday night. It was packed from wall-to-wall. Men and women were grooving and gyrating to the beats filtering through the air.

*Here is a sidebar note about my boy Clever. He is well-known in the industry. He is very friendly, outgoing, and has a warm personality. One thing though, he always seems to attract men – gay and straight. I mean, I attract some men, but he always seems to attract an abundance of men. They flaunt and throw themselves at him, and many of them are the most straight heterosexual men.

Anyway, that is my boy Clever. Now back to my confession. I was at the bar getting my soda drink on and that’s when I spot him. He was across the room standing against the wall with a drink in his hand. He was bobbing his head to the Hip-Hop beats and surrounded by slew of bodacious women and physically fit men.

I couldn’t take my eyes off him. He was absolutely gorgeous - Tall, caramel, chinky eyes, and a body that wouldn’t stop. Damn, he was fine! I felt the temperature in my body rise. Lust was speaking and its low growl was whispering in my ears.

Then he looked over in my direction and smiled. OH SHIT!!! He caught me staring at him. I blushed and quickly turned away. My heart was racing. As I slowly turned back around to see if he was still in the same spot, he was making his way across the room in my direction. With that beautiful smile plastered across his face.

I literally almost shit my pants. I feigned a smile. He brushed up next to me. My heart was going a thousands beats per minute. He ordered a drink and then turned towards me. He leaned in and extended his hand. His lips grazed my ear sending a chill through my body, and he yelled his name.

The music was too loud and I couldn’t hear him. I strained trying to understand what he was saying. I asked him to repeat his name three times. After the third time, I just nodded my head and shook his hand. “Oh, what’s up? My name is Terrance,” I said to him.
”Who are you here with?” He asked.
“I’m with my boy.” I replied. His eyes were beautiful – coal-like. They danced when he spoke.
“Do you want a drink?” He asked. The drink he ordered at the bar was for me.
“Thanks.” I took a sip staring into his sexy inviting eyes.

He strolled away and went back to his crew. I asked my boy Clever if he knew the beautiful specimen of a man. Clever acknowledged that he did. “That’s ‘Preston’ I haven’t seen him in a while. He’s always on the road. He plays for ________.”

Now, I am really excited. This professional athlete just approached me and how he did it was so smooth. No one noticed anything.

I continued to watch him from across the room. He raised and tipped his glass to me and smiled that perfect smile. I smiled back.

As the night got later and the patrons left the club, I noticed he and his crew departed. I searched feverishly throughout the club. Did he go to the VIP section? Nope. Did he go to the restroom? Nope. Was he upstairs? Nope. He was nowhere to be found.

I rushed to my friend Clever. “He’s gone,” I look at him desperately. “Where did he go? We have to leave now. He may be outside.” I headed for the door frantically.

Clever laughed at me. “Chill and relax,” he said. “Trust me. He will be here tomorrow night.”
I couldn’t wait until tomorrow. I wanted him now. I wanted to get to know more about this man. This fine man who sauntered over to me and made my heart flutter. Actually, I wanted to go home with him. Be with him for the night. My body was yearning for him. I was left feeling horny that night. But, as Clever said, he would be there tomorrow night.

Check back tomorrow as Preston pays Terrance a special visit.


Terrance Dean is the Author of “Hiding In Hip Hop – On The Down Low in the Entertainment Industry from Music to Hollywood”

www.myspace.com/hidinginhiphop.com

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Comments

  • BOUT TO BE DONE WITH SOHH says...
  • So......are you a fag?Cuz if this is about a man going crazy over another man I'm bout to be done with SOHH. To each there own but this ain't the place for this stuff.

    In Kat Williams Voice:
    "You Are A BOY!!!!"

  • May 6, 2008 11:07 AM
  • Javier says...
  • Interesting book. But why not go with a more attractive cover, such as a buff, muscular masculine hip hop dude? That would make many people buy the book alone.

  • May 6, 2008 11:50 AM
  • AntSOReady says...
  • this shit is crazy. if you cant say the name of these homo ass niggas then you should even go there in the first place. is this guy who wrote this a queer too??

  • May 6, 2008 12:57 PM
  • Another Male Superhead says...
  • I appreciate your story and all but what I dont understand about your book (Malesuperhead) is why kiss and tell? Even though you are not naming names but damn, I thought the whole point of a down low person is to be on the down low. Not saying I agree with that, I feel a person should be who they are but why out them to the world so you can make a few bucks. In that case you should of just tricked on them for the money. By the way no down low for me, I am a woman who loves men.

  • May 6, 2008 1:22 PM
  • Sin says...
  • Hotdogs and chitterlings!!!!

  • May 6, 2008 1:31 PM
  • nita says...
  • Hey: I found out about this blog from my favorite site Panache. This is very intriguing. I am ordering the book now. Best of luck to you Terrance and live life to the fullest.

    BTW, I didn't know this was your second book.

  • May 6, 2008 2:20 PM
  • please please please says...
  • Oh please dont let this guy be Wil Demps. If it is im going to kill myself right now!!!!!!! LOL!

  • May 6, 2008 3:48 PM
  • Johnathan Reed says...
  • Dude, you ain't down low. You is OUTand about.

  • May 6, 2008 5:07 PM
  • cat4everrr says...
  • hellurrrr

  • May 6, 2008 5:21 PM
  • Melyssa Ganache says...
  • Terrance Dean, I am hooked. I'm gettin that book right


    now.

  • May 6, 2008 6:02 PM
  • why bother says...
  • @ Melyssa

    Dont bother i read it already... i want my time and money back...

    hes trying to become the poster person for black gay celebs and hes in not in a position of power...

  • May 6, 2008 6:32 PM
  • Terrance says...
  • Hey Melyssa,
    I am truly sorry that the book was a waste of your time and money. I did not write it for that purpose. This is a very difficult life for many who are struggling and dealing with their sexuality. Unfortunately it is not my desire to be a gay poster boy, I only wanted to use my voice. My only desire is that the book will allow others to use their voices, tell their truths, and create a much needed dialogue in our community. If you like, you can e-mail me: hidinginhiphop@aol.com and I will be more than happy to reimburse your money.
    God bless,
    Terrance

  • May 6, 2008 7:52 PM
  • Terrance says...
  • Sorry Melyssa,

    The message I wrote was intended for "Why Bother"....

  • May 6, 2008 8:08 PM
  • atlprincess says...
  • hi terrance! Let me start off by saying hats off to you for being so courageous. As you may have experienced before even writing a book, your life will be filled with those who seep with negativity-howver, u will have others who will support and encourage you. its part of the game right? i am a member of the SeXIEST book club in atlanta!..lol..were a group of 25-30 yr old professional women who place the "titles" and degrees to the side, losen the pearls, unbutton the top button, drink martinis, sample sushi, and enjoy the atlanta skyline. Your book is our next! Let me tell you- while some people are looking for those whack stimulus checks in the mail, were looking for an Amazon.com box!! :-)....You also have bundles of support over at Panache Report.com.....so as always enjoy this ride-and let some of the energy fuel you to keep going..*Muah*

  • May 6, 2008 9:48 PM
  • NNL says...
  • Oh my goodness another person doing another story. First it was that hoe talking about how she was feeling the effects of Karma which she put on herself. Now it's about a gay man in hip hop.

  • May 7, 2008 12:43 AM
  • westcoast is the bestcoast says...
  • My dick is getting hard just after reading the first few lines. Everyone on here knows I'm strickly dickly and this story right here is my kind of shit. I almost came on myself by the time I was finishted reading, real talk

  • May 7, 2008 8:44 AM
  • playgirl says...
  • Terrance,

    I admire you strength in writing this type of book. Some of the comments above were pretty harsh and show exactly why it takes courage to write a book that is so personal. My sister and I started our own book club. We have a whole TWO members (wow!!! LOL) but our next book is yours. I read her the infor above, now I need more juice man!! Dish alreadly. LOL And ATLprincess was right, you do have major love a Panache. Myra and crew are great. Hit them up. The community over there is grown and classy.

    Anyway good luck to you on the book

  • May 7, 2008 10:02 AM
  • poshbloke says...
  • Terrance WOw Thank you for this! My hole life all I have had is "straight men " down low men trying to get at me I'am glad that the rest of the world is going to find out that there's way more gay men out there than people think cant wait for the book to come out and hopefully some of my dreams might seem a little bit more real after it One thing mabey you could e-mail instead of posting it is big Will(Smith) do you know if he's ever been on the down low if so I'am flying to LA right now to get me some watch out jada ;)
    Thankyou for everything that you done and will do

  • May 7, 2008 11:19 AM
  • ALWAYSaLADY says...
  • I am definatly going to keep up with this blog, but I must say that I did not think SOHH would be the site to welcome this kind of talk, did Gyant invite you? I joke! I joke! But really I dont get the down low lifestyle and after having a couple friends who were broken hearted to find out their masculine men were sleeping with men I am soooo opposed to it. Its one thing to struggle with your sexuality but to bring an innocent unsuspecting woman and possibly your children into the mess is just cruel.

  • May 7, 2008 11:34 AM
  • Dr Flav says...
  • Fisk University Stand Up! Lol, I dont know, maybe us straight fellas should remain seated. Dean, I was in school while you were there all gay shit aside, your hustle game was legendary, I remember they had fliers on the yard looking for you at one time. I been spreading the word about your book, I hope you kick your alma mater down a few bucks, we at about 2.5 mil towards the 4 million dollar goal. Holla at your classmates on the virtual yard @ FiskiteRoundup.com, promote your book, Im a sworn hetero but not a hater so, GOOD LUCK!

  • May 7, 2008 12:31 PM
  • LoisLane says...
  • T-Baby,

    Let the haters and the homophobes do their thing. Your stories are what most don't want to hear. Hell, I don't want to hear about how some dude I'm digging wants you and not me! *cries* But you are most fabulous, so how can I be jealous?

    Btw, to those who don't get it. Terrance is a gay man living in a down-low world. The MEN he dates are the ones who are down low. Duh!

    I am so proud of you! (sorry, I'm late.)

    Um, yeah, I'm heading over to read the other... I want more hints to who these dudes are!!! What position does your boy play? That's what I get for liking those tall mofos anyway!

    And who is Clever...does it rhyme with is real name? OMG!!! This is gwon drive me crazy. I got to get this book. Oh yeah, I know what island you are talking about. *winks* My memory ain't that bad. LOL!

  • May 7, 2008 2:26 PM
  • Say What?? says...
  • So why again did you write this book Terrance, I mean really what is the point? Since you are not naming names and the only people who can confirm what you are stating as the truth aren’t writing a book so how strong are you really? What voice are you presented other than that of a man that’s had sexual relationships? Don’t front like this book is any different than the slew of kiss-and-tell books already out, if your goal is to sell books by exploiting your own life man up and say so but I see no strength in what I’ve read.

  • May 7, 2008 2:54 PM
  • don't bother says...
  • @ Say What...

    Its no different from any other Kiss & Tell book.
    He doesn't tell how and why he stole the car along with what really happen in jail to him... I could see if he was in a position of power but he isn't so the book is POINTLESS.

    I am gonna take him up on that offer for a refund...

  • May 7, 2008 6:00 PM
  • Thicka den a Snicka says...
  • I know dats right Boo!!! N for all u haters Hatin on Terrance, maybe if you took all the hateration out of ya heart u might have a story to tell.PEACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • May 7, 2008 6:07 PM
  • SINCEER says...
  • Terrence, I am looking forward to getting your book. I enjoy your writing. In my opinion, it seems that people tend to hate what they don't understand. Although I agree that down low should not exist and does create troubles for women. My question is "Are you actually giving names in your book? Naturally you don't want to give too much away in these post. I'm getting your book regardless. Good Luck to you!

  • May 7, 2008 6:28 PM
  • josh says...
  • Wish you could have better hinted @ who they were...not to out them but to show young cats in the struggle that gay+success do go together

  • May 8, 2008 12:21 PM
  • bpleasebelieve says...
  • OK SO YOU WROTE A BOOK ABOUT YOUR LIFESTYLE AND ALL THE DL PEOPLE IN THAT LIFESTYLE AS WELL. GOT IT! MY PROBLEM IS I FEEL A LITTLE DISSAPOINTED WITH THE NEWS OF THE NAMES NOT BEING REVEALED. WHAT IS THE POINT? YOU COULD BE TALKING ABOUT A MILLION DIFFERENT PEOPLE. ME I LIKE TO READ AND KNOW ALL THE FACTS. IT SEEMS LIKE THIS BOOK IS GOING TO FALL SHORT. THERE IS NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT-NOTHING BUT ASSUMPTIOMS. NEXT, WHY WOULD YOU PUT YOUR BIZ IN THE STREETS LIKE THIS? I GUESS THIS WHOLE THING ABOUT KISSING AND TELLING MAKES YOU SEEM CHEAP AS A PERSON AND EVEN CHEAPER AS AN AUTHOR. NO OFFENSE JUST HOW I FEEL. WHY EVEN LABEL IT AS A TELL ALL BOOK ABOUT DL BROTHERS IN THE INDUSTRY WHEN ALL OF YOUR STORIES COULD BE FABRICATIONS. IF YOU HAVE ISSUES WITH THE BIZNESS GET OUT OF IT, THEN YOU CAN DEAL WITH ALL THE CELEBS YOU WANT AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FEELINGS AND OTHER RAMIFICATIONS THAT COME ALONG WITH YOUR LIFESTYLE. I THINK IT'S GREAT YOU WROTE A BOOK, I WOULD LIKE TO SUPPORT THAT-LIFTING EACH OTHER UP AND ALL, HOWEVER THE IRONY OF IT ALL IS THAT YOUR BOOK IS BRINGING THE NEXT MAN DOWN! GOOD LUCK.

  • May 8, 2008 12:37 PM

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