Making Believe and Losing Myself
Posted on March 4, 2008 9:30 AM
Continued from Nobody Ever Says, “I Wanna Be a Baby’s Mama When I Grow Up”
A couple weeks later, we’d come to an agreement. BD would let go of his apartment and move in with me. He’d already begun spending most of his time there. For all his over zealousness and what I’d come to know as an obsessive-compulsive disorder, it really does cut both ways. As absolutely erratic and inconsolable as he can be when he doesn’t get his way, raving until the opposing party concedes, he is equally tenacious about committing himself to a task. He was baby proofing the house, comparing safety ratings of strollers and car seats and planning a nursery theme before I was even showing. (Red, black and green. Yes, really).
Lemme just sidebar this: When I told him those were inappropriate colors for a baby’s room he insisted that I was brainwashed and had believed the lie the white man had told me, that black is ugly and drab and evil. This convo kicked off when he brought home a black hamper for the baby’s room and I reacted in disgust.
And though we’d skirted around and finally tabled the whole marriage issue, we did decide to introduce our union to his parents as if we were engaged. They were very strict and very religious and BD feared banishment for procreating outside of wedlock. The least we could do was be “planning” a ceremony.
I had to face the judgement of my family, too which was also no easy task, but required a lot less preparation. I blurted it out over Thanksgiving dinner, sending my mother screaming from the table, my younger sister erupting in a fit of laughter --“Get the eff outta here! That nigga got you pregnant? Hahahahah!” (In her defense it was in part nervous laughter. The rest, just erily evil. – And the others of the clan, my older sister, aunt, uncle, all stunned, forks still and mouths dropped. I’d ruined dinner.
But that wasn’t the most dramatic display. The acting award belonged to BD and myself as we sat on his parents’ couch, explaining to them that though we had “strayed” and done things the wrong way, we were in love and determined to make it work. We would be married in one year. (and this is the first time I’m meeting these people). But BD had made sure I was ready.
“Can you take your contacts off before we go to my parents?” he’d asked. I’d looked at him in disbelief, but he was serious. I could see it meant a lot to him, so I agreed. I changed tops, too. The one I was wearing apparently was a little snug. It would be the first of many such requests-turned-requirements.
The entire thing was a dramatic enactment from the beginning. Noble, but not real. As long as the two main characters understood that, I saw no harm. And moreover our living together would allow for our baby, at least in the beginning, to have the benefit of both of us. For me, that outweighed any of the cons my family and friends kept bringing up.
“Having a baby is no reason to move that man into your house,” my older sister had warned. “You didn’t get pregnant on purpose but you’re gonna purposely compound the problem?"
Her child’s father is not the easiest person to deal with and she was going through it with him and his lawyers. Her opinion was skewed. I would never be in a situation like that. I would have a family.
“You’re not the same. I feel like you’re changing … he’s changing you,” Ayana said out of the blue one day on the phone. Why? Because rather than complaining about his crazy antics, I'm defending him? He's my baby's father. Does no one seem to understand this? What the hell is she talking about? I am changing. My hormones are going crazy. I’m growing a person.
And when my mother came to visit and couldn’t find any suitable breakfast meat in the fridge that morning – no bacon, no sausage, nothin. LOL – she knew something was wrong. I’m a Midwestern girl but the fam is from the south. Breakfast is a big deal.
“Mel, what dyou eat for breakfast?” she asked. As if there was no such thing as cold cereal. (LOL. I laugh now because I had sausage, eggs and grits for breakfast this morning, as did baby boy :) and I can hardly even wrap my mind around how this dude had me eating cold cereal. Nuts).
In a heart-to-heart later she told me, amongst other things, “I feel like you’re losing yourself. Do you feel like you’re losing yourself?”
What the hell is that? Losing myself. Why couldn’t anybody see, this was me being responsible, doing the right thing, sacrificing what I might want for the needs of my child. I’m becoming a mother. Doesn’t that transition inherently call for a certain degree of setting aside self? Besides, pork isn’t good for anybody anyway.
It would be months, I think before I’d recognize the sacrifices I was making in my futile attempt to make us work. Even longer before the resentment would become palpable and my protest evident. But we’re not there yet.
First, we’d have to make the announcement to our two effed over friends, Digital and Serita. Karma is a bitch.
Check 1224 Confessions tomorrow as Melyssa pleads with Serita and meets face to face with Digital.
Also, check out more Melyssa at GetYoShyt.blogspot.com and hit her up on Myspace.com/MelyssaGanache.
*All names have been changed to protect the guilty & the innocent.
Next Episode: All Things Done in the Dark ...
Posted by Melyssa Ganache
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Comments
This is a very interesting story and I want to feel for you shorty but as crazy as you trying to make dude feel it was both. I see a lot of ladies chiming in and congratulating you on putting this out I want to thank you as well from the male perspective because this let's me know how far a female is willing to stretch a lie or not to look bad. But anyway really good entries. It seems like you have your head on straight and wouldn't haven't even fell into this trap but...........
Tis true, Selphmade. No one can do anything to you, short of physical force of course, that you don't allow them to do. If I've learned nothing else, it is that. Dude is still certified tho. Thx for reading.
Where did he find a black hamper? I take it he's voting for Obama.
I've read all of the blogs everyday since you started posting them and it's crazy! The things that you've experienced thus far are not out of the ordinary for so many of us (women). A lot of our stories are so different yet so similar in the long run. Thanks for sharing
Are you thinking of making this a book?
I disagree with the first post. Guys try to always act like they dont have influence. "I didnt put a gun to her head" but its not about force like that. Its about words, persuasion, and the woman not wanting to go thru drama over little things. Its not weakness. You dont seem weak at all. But hormones are so crazy when u are pregnant. You probably were like "What this negro is saying makes sense...kinda" lol I feel you. In those situations its easy to lose urself trying to make a family....Enjoying the stories of your situation. I can relate. Keep it up
I have always said that you should not be together just for the kids because you are setting yourself for failure. I am married and love my wife and kids but if theres come a time where theres no love between me and my wife or there is constant problems i would get a divorce and just take care of my kids. It takes more than kids to make two people happy and thats why a lot of kids are screwed up because kids pick up on things like that.
It kills me when people say "you should not be together just for the kids because you are setting yourself up for failure". Its hard enough raise a sane individual with two parents, yet we encourage the man/woman to make sure they themselves are happy. A good parent will do whatever they have to for their kid, even if it means making it work with their partner. It your not willing to accept that you and whomever you have kids with will have ups and down, keep the rubber on! (Trust me, they work!)
to truth, when two people are unhappy with each other what do they do, argue, cheat and whatelse ever they do, kids are not dumb, and they see everything that goes on in the household. and two seperate parents can raise a successful
and healthy child together. Face it, in a good marriage, you have to have the relationship and love between the parents that spill over to the kids.
and by the way, rubbers are there for when you are not sure about your future with that person.
I just finished readin all the entries. I like them. It's like a real book. This doesn't have anything to do with the story, but the same way you have a link to go to previous entries, I think you should have a link to go to the next entry.
as you probably know by now i have been a fan of yours since the beginning and what i love most about your work is it is soooo real no bs you tell the good bad and the ugly then allow the reader to make their choice, which is what honest writing does!!! alot of lames come on here and hate but we have all done the same dumb shit (especially ladies i.e. changing up your whole game plan for a dude... not a good look) you stand by yours and keep it real all the while!! You wouldn't believe how many of my friends i got reading this, whether you know this or not you are helping people and makin me laugh my ass off in the process Keep It Up!!!
...anticipating the next installment.
WOW. I just read the last 2 chapters This whole situation did a 360! 2 SERIOUS! But again things that commonly happen in these sorts of relationships. No one looks at it from the woman's point off view. U might have been losing urself but it seemed like folks were quick 2 point out the problem instead of helping...
NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOU! YOU GOT ALL THAT STOLEN MONEY! AND I STILL DONT CARE! FOR REAL FOR REAL! THATS THE PROBLEM! GOODLUCK AND TAKE CARE! THE WHOLE CONSPIRACY! I PROMISE YOU! GOODLUCK!
Children are absolutely not a reason to continue a failing romantic relationship or to try to begin one that was not there in the first place. If two people don't want to be together outside of the kids then it won't work because of the kids. And it's not fair to put that kind of pressure on the little ones anyway. Whoever said they pick up on things was right.
Thx for all the great feedback!
Comments written above do not represent the views or opinions of SOHH.com, 4CONTROL Media, Inc. or any of its affiliates. Comments may be deleted at our sole discretion.