Wishful Thinking: I Gotta Snap Out Of It
Posted on March 7, 2008 9:30 AM
Continued from You Made Your Bed, Now Lie In It
I know I said today’s installment would be the fateful day I got the hell outta that apartment, and I will get there, but I was skipping a diary of entries and I wanna slow down a bit. There was a lot of back and forth in our nothing less than manic relationship and I was jumping the gun in leaving.
As foreign as this new life I’d found myself in felt, and though it was at my suggestion, really almost begging from the beginning, it was BD who was becoming comfortable with the idea of us being together. We’d lie in bed at night and he’d tell me how badly he’d always wanted a family and how he never thought he’d have one. How everyone always leaves him. He’d rub my belly and imagine with me what kind of person our baby would be. He’d even softened his feelings for me, actually seeming to be looking forward to a life together.
It’s easier for him to see a future now, since I’ve taken so well to his lifestyle rules, adapting without much protest. He smiles more, spends money around the house, fixing things and adding things and talks in “we” and “us.”
We’d mentioned Digital’s name sparingly in the past few months. I told BD very little of my conversation with him and BD had been equally vague about his face-to-face with his friend. He had come home that night with a busted lip and he didn’t answer me when I asked what happened. Aware of where he’d been though, I didn’t persist. And that was it.
Objectively, we were settling into a life. I terribly unhappily, but determined just the same. And he reluctantly at first and now purposefully. We were going to make this work for our child.
And then, the most awkward day of my life to date …
It was bound to happen. The not quite New York, but close enough New Jersey town where we lived is not a large place. It only has one Target, after all ...
So BD and I were doing a little shopping. He's so indecisive and I hate shopping with him. He palmed the different toilet paper packages for about 10 minutes, comparing the prices per roll and talking aloud about whether it made sense to spend the extra money on 24 rolls as opposed to 12 ... I get sooo frustrated shopping with him. And we'd just left the freezer section where of course, i couldn’t buy anything I wanted, ie frozen pizzas, Stouffers meals, Doritos, lemonade and the like. It’s all riddled with preservatives and artificial colors ... I miss eating the food I used to eat.
I am schlepping up and down the isles wearing a scowl as big as my face. I didn’t even wanna make this trip to the store. I wanted to go straight home form work, eat and go to bed, but BD insisted. And then we'd sat in the parking lot for 10 minutes while he took a call on his cell phone. One of his old guy friends, talking about this and that and how they have to get together soon ... yadda yadda yadda. So I am clearly unhappy and I have my back to him smelling some perfumes, when I hear --
"I must've been meant to come to Target tonight, what's up man?"
I am soooo not in the mood to smile and meet one of BD's friends, (probably the guy he just got off the phone with), so I stay rudely, back turned, facing the perpendicular aisle of cosmetics. Maybe I can casually slip away and avoid the whole presentation. I hate having to smile and chat when I'm feeling this way.
And then ....
"Hey Melyssa, how are you?"
Wow.
Now I recognize the voice, though I'm looking up now at the same time, so I'm not sure if it's the voice I recognize first or those eyes. I felt frozen, but I spoke smoothly.
"I'm well Digital, how are you?"
"Cool, cool ... "
"Yeah you see our little one?" BD interjects, gesturing toward my seven months pregnant belly, shamelessly pronounced in my baby tee. Any other day I'd be in a big empire cut cascading mumu.
I look down and up again to meet BD’s eyes. I know this look. I know what he was saying with that look.
"You know you fucked up, right? You look MISERABLE. You know that right?"
I know what he was thinking... and it was all over my face. I didn't even try to put on a glow for him. Maybe I wanted him to see my underlying unhappiness. I think I wanted him to want to save me. How nuts is that!?
"It's real, now." BD continues, happily.
"Yeah, it was real before. It was real when she first said it." BD responds. But he's looking at me. Why are you talking to Digital and looking at me? I break his gaze.
"So are you guys excited? Doing a little family shopping?" He continues casually and politely. Family shopping?
"Yeah, I'm excited," BD says beaming. It had only occurred to me before that perhaps I had been a pawn. It was now evident.
I just half smile, quiet.
"Do you know if it's a boy or a girl yet?"
"No, not yet," BD says.
The rest of the conversation is a bore and a blur as they yap for about 60 seconds of the Knicks game Digital is on his way to and other meaningless subjects. I'm just grateful their eyes aren't on my belly anymore.
"Alright man, I'll see you later."
They clasp hands.
Digital moves over to me and half leans in for a one-handed hug. I have my arms full of stuff, toilet paper, papertowels, but I move my face to the side, toward his, rather than into the armpit of his coat. Our faces touch and I'm thinking, I hope he doesn't think I did that on purpose.
And that's it.
So awkward, for me anyway. BD and Digital handled the chance run in like bonafide adults. And Digital had texted him a few days before, which made things smoother for them.
But I felt like CRAP. C-R-A-P.
If I ever had second thoughts about BD and making this family thing work up to this point, it was right then. I wanted to run after Digital... to plead with him ... to .. something. This thing that I've done, at that moment, it was unapologetically real. I mean just in my face, LOOK WHAT YOU DID, real.
The next morning, we're lying in bed and BD asks me, "Did you want to leave me for Digital yesterday?" He has these big puppy dog eyes.
He and Digital have had a healthy competition I think as long as they've known each other. Both tall, handsome, both having dreams of making it in the entertainment world, same taste in women (and they’ve been around and around about that before)... Only, Digital’s realized his dreams. I think that eats at BD.
I just look at him, stomach sunken by the irony, but I try not to let on.
"Why would you ask me that?" I say.
Why couldn't I just lie and answer the question?
"He has money and he has a Benz and he goes to Nick's games."
"I don't care about that, BD." It wasn’t a complete lie. I was in love with Digital before all that. I hug him. I do want to reassure him. I mean, if I'm gonna be in this, there's no sense in him feeling insecure about it. What am I gonna do, really be with Digital? Probably not. This thought makes my stomach sink even lower. I'm mourning him.
I gotta snap out of it. This is my life now.
Check 1224 Confessions Monday as Melyssa shares her misgivings with BD.
Get more Melyssa at GetYoShyt.blogspot.com and hit her up on Myspace.com/MelyssaGanache.
*All names have been changed to protect the guilty & the innocent.
Next installment: What's In a Name? What's In the box?
Posted by Melyssa Ganache
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Comments
This is a very interesting story i find myself always anxious to read the next piece once i get to the end.
lol @ the blog writer for wanting Digital to be a Captain-Save-A-Hoe
What ever happened to "making your bed and lying in it"
This sounds like it is about to get very interesting...In The Beginning she said that BD is trying to get full custody of her son, and that there where accusations of kidnapping....I'm just wondering what is gonna happen next...
and the "nicks" is spelled Knicks
For the first time I feel hate hate and more hate. I mean why would he save you now your used goods. (sorry couldn't say it any easier). But seriously as this story goes on and on it just makes you look worse. However I do feel for you but only for the child and what you will endure but not for your situation because you indeed made it like this. It seems (and i might be far-fetched) but it seems you were looking for a meal ticket the whole time because as you stated in your earlier post you had a dead in job so you was just trying to latch on to something.
But you never answered the question when BD asked you if you wanted to leave him for Digital...
When will woman ever learn that they are god's gift to men and they should not spoil that gift until marriage. There is a double standard and it is put in place to keep balance in the community. Women want previledges of man but don't want to be called out of there name when they par take in male activities. No one should be able to call anyone elses MOTHER a whore. I can care less what you say about my dad. Think about tommorrow, sacrifice, stay focus, do the right thing from jump street dont get cancer and stop smoking
Selphmade, I hear you. I said from the beginning my story was about karma. It is as certain as death. I do disagree with your point about me needing something to latch onto tho. That's not true. I would have much preferred to stay severed. My pregnancy kinda changed all that.
Trauma, no I really didn't answer the question. It wasn't black and white for me. I still had definite feelings for Digital but at the same time, I knew there was no future with him (certainly not now, if there ever were) and what was most important to me at that point was making a life for my child. His father, whatever his faults was still his father and I felt like my place should have been there, regardless of what I wanted.
Towe, preach.
Thx for reading everybody! :)
Punkin and Cutie,
Girl! It got so crazy at the end. Just wait.
this is a good but tragic story. nobody winds. Very good writing and its good that its pure, straight from the soul.
So now, is everything between you, Digital, BD (well not really) & the other girl (your friend), fine? How are you & Digital today? Do you guys talk? Or does he really NOT want you in his life anymore? This story is so good.
Melyssa...I can't say that I have been in the same exact situation as you, but I can relate 200%. We as women always want to create better situations for our children, but to do that we have to sometime deal with haphazard situations...With me I didn't stick around for the financial support, it was because I wanted my children to be raised in a 2 parent home. But I soon realized that the situation was all to unhealthy. I can not wait for your next entry....
It's feel like BD was trying to say to his friend " look I'm with your girl and I got her pregnant". It was like he was still trying to compete against Digital who has more than him. However I still don't feel sorry for the girl she shouldn't of had a sex or whatever they had with her friend's ex boyfriend and her boyfrined's friend that's a rule you shouldn't break. I mean how low would you go?
Great story so far.
However, you spelled Knicks wrong. It's all good...maybe one day, I can actually take you to a Knicks game. They have to start winning first.
Your very talented.
Waiting for the next post.......
your blog and everything you whores stand for...... nasty classless sluts who have not been raised right. it sickensme to know the exact thoughts of you whores young and old and the cherry on the top is that you actually are someones mother...uggggggg......i respect the real
'single mothers" not single whores who effed up while smutting off and got preggers only to be left by a man who was only looking for a warm whole for the night...week...or whatever SAD SAD excuse for a woman you broads r beneath pigs.
Tell her why you mad Chanel!!!
If your the type of woman you say you are.....me and you might make a good couple.
Holla Back!!!
I noticed that you took my comment down, so I guess I was right about who Digital really is.
@ You slippin
I think you were right. You shouldn't have said nothing though. I was thinkin the samething when she wrote it but I didn't want to mess up her story. but you are right that's who it is!!
Look at you two sleuths. LOL. It would've been pulled down, right or wrong. Thx for reading tho and glad you're enjoying the story. :)
Comments written above do not represent the views or opinions of SOHH.com, 4CONTROL Media, Inc. or any of its affiliates. Comments may be deleted at our sole discretion.