Continued from I Always Feel Like Somebody’s Waatchin Me-e
It was time to start packing again.
I’d only been back for two weeks before I gave my job two weeks notice and told my landlord I’d be leaving. Every evening after work, I began quietly packing my things away after the baby was asleep. I kept the shades drawn at all times, I walked quietly and purposefully across the wooden floor, I inspected blemishes in the wall … I felt like BD was always watching me. I slept in hour, maybe two-hour increments, I just kept waking up, so I’d schlep through the living room and check and double checking the bolt on the door, peering motionless out the peephole into the hallway, each time expecting to see him staring back. I talked in a little more than an enunciated whisper on the phone, afraid that somehow he would hear me, learn of my plan to run away and God knows what he’d do. The walls were thin. I no longer put anything past this man.
This evening, I’d started early and I’d gotten a lot done. The place had already looked bare with BD’s stuff cleared out. But I’d successfully filled four large U-Haul boxes with my own things, wall hangings, summer clothes, shoes, clothes that were too small for the baby and I had a couple of big trash bags brimming with stuff I should have been gotten rid of. I felt accomplished, competent and for the first time since I’d decided I needed to go for good, like the daunting task ahead of me was doable. It was a lot, but I’d made some major headway in only a few days.
The TV was on, some reality show rerun. Lights in each room lit up the entire apartment as I was back and forth pulling things from here and there to fold, wrap or otherwise pack away. The baby giggled gleefully in his walker, racing around noisily across the hard wood floor from one wall to another like bumper cars.
It was way past his bedtime and I needed t turn in too. I had work the next day. Then the phone rang. I picked it up and glanced at the ID. BD. What does he want? I let it go to voicemail. Two minutes later, it rings again. What could he want? He hadn’t left a message. A few seconds and he’s calling again. I’d think it were some kind of emergency, only, the only person who’s health I’d be worried about was right there with me. So whatever it was, it could wait.
Ten minutes past after the succession of phone calls and my Treo hadn’t rung. Strange. He usually doesn’t give up so easily. Then I remembered, my car was parked right outside. And as soon as the recollection clicked, there was a knock at the door.
I think my heart stopped for a second. Wait. If it was my landlord, he’d announce himself in a second. Another knock and my mind took off running.
I have no idea how BD got past the front door. I’m stiff. I have to move all the boxes to the back room quietly before the baby makes a sound and gives our location away. I don’t have time and they’re too heavy to move quickly and noiselessly. Too late to turn off the lights off. My heart is pounding out of my chest. I can’t not answer. It’s obvious I’m home and if I refuse to answer the door it will spark suspicion. But I can’t answer the door, either. He’ll want to step in and see the baby. Maybe if I keep the chain on the door he’ll assume I have a man here and go away. No, then he’ll really demand to see his son and make his presence known. I can’t let him in. Shyt.
I grabbed the flaps of one half full box and began moving it into the bedroom just as the baby let out a squeal, stomped his feet beneath him and took off rolling across the floor again and into the TV cabinet.
And he knocked again.
“Who is it?†I yelled over my shoulder, grabbing a second box and shuffling it into the bedroom with the first.
“BD,†he responded.
“Gimme a second,†hauling a third, then the fourth and finally the last box and closing the bedroom door behind me.
I pulled a robe over my tank top and shorts like I was coming out of the shower.
And finally, “What’s wrong?†I asked almost breathlessly, as I cracked the door.
“Oh, here,†he said, smiling. He’d been positioned like he was just about to turn and walk away. I should’ve waited. He bent down and picked up a brown paper bag sitting on the floor at his feet. “I was gonna leave this for you. It’s for our son.â€
Now he’s our son. He seemed half pleasant. But I’d come to expect the highs and lows. I never knew what I was gonna get with him. Like a box of chocolates. (Molded, bitter, nasty ones).
He’d picked up baby wipes, baby shampoo, diapers and a couple of other things from the organic market. I hated that shyt. It didn’t smell like a baby, the diapers were ugly and brown, made of recycled material and they didn’t feel all that comfortable either. When we were together he’d been insistent about these products.
I took them, “Thanks,†but my baby wasn’t gonna see any of that crap.
“Is he awake?†BD asked.
As if on que, the little guy rolled up in his walker, toys swinging, beaming up at his dad. Perfect. He wouldn’t have to come all the way in to see the baby. He stepped over the threshold to pick him up, but was obviously concentrating more on what he might be able to glean by the rearranged wall hangings and furniture about what might be going on or what might have gone in my apartment.
“Well, I’m gonna put him to bed,†I said, after BD had thrown the baby in the air a couple of times, riling him up nicely before I’d attempt to wind him down.
He gave the room a quick scan again, took inventory of each corner in his strange little mind and left easily.
“I want to pick him up tomorrow and take him to my parents’ house,†he said.
“Okay, just pick him up form daycare tomorrow,†I said. I never denied him access to our child. That’s one thing amid a slew of other accusations that he’d try to say when this whole thing went to court.
I closed the door behind him and peered through the peephole to watch BD descend down the stairs. I stood quietly waiting to hear the heavy front door creak open and slam shut with the wind. And then, I exhaled. I locked the door, clicked the bolt, pulled the knob and went through both motions again before turning, leaning against the wood and sliding down to the floor. I caught my breath.
Even without BD in the apartment, this was crazy. This was no way to live. And though he could’ve caught somebody downstairs, going out when he was coming in, he probably also had a key to the front door.
He’s watching for my comings and goings, calling me at all hours and now, showing up unannounced. I don’t know what time I went to bed that night. I dragged those filled boxes back out along with several more broken down boxes and began building them and filling them in short order in the living room.
I didn’t have two weeks to wait.
Check back tomorrow as Melyssa puts her plans in motion. Again.
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*All names have been changed to protect the guilty & the innocent.
there you go again, worried about BD and how he will take things. Every situation is not gonn abe a logical one. And its not unusual for some people to try and make sense out of non-sense. Who cares if he's beating on the door. Call the damn cops. Who cares if he hears you inside? a lot of people i know have tried to maintain reasonable relationships with their kids' fathers.They seem to forget they were never dealing with reasonable people. So its inevitable that they would be spinning their wheels.
You know while I feel for your position and dude may have had his eccentricities, but you kinda taking this victim thing a little far. It was you, who wanted to play happy home with that guy, even though you claim you wasnt giving him any. He took your confused plan to heart and behaved the best way he could considering the circumstances that were presented. So now he has been lulled into this crackpot idea YOU created, now his efforts are deemed psycho. Women cause these things due to the fact that men are usually logical or practical, thats hard to mix with emotion. Dont play sacred now, its kind of condescending to a reader, who believes you are trying to be honest with your story. If this entry was a movie scene, then his persistence to be a family would be romantic, here you got dude looking like an crazed black man. Lord know we need that perception, word to Rev J. Wright. You can omit this response, but that would still mean you read it and thats enough for me.
@ dr Flav
A man who physically abuses the mother of his child, alienates her from her family and friends, and teaches his child intolerance of people from different races is no model man or father. This situation is not safe nor healthy and was not created by the woman. This man is neither logical nor practical, he is paranoid and controlling, traits that he developed himself. He has himself looking like a crazed man, no need to add the black part because men of all races have the pathetic few who feel the need to control and manipulate the people in their lives. You make me think you are BD, it sounds like something he would say to manipulate the situation and make the woman appear to be at fault.
@ ALWAYSALADY
My thoughts exactly!
Please, Doc Flav aint gots no chillun. She said she got in BD face and that he did not hit her, he pushed her, did I misread that it was a shoving confrontation with the child in hand? Dude is a teacher(?) and wouldn't he have some self control and affinity for children, especially his own? The organic products and lifestyle is that unhealthy? Did he stuff the tofu down her throat? She was with the lifestyle then and now in hindsight he was a demon? Do other races teach their children to have apprehension toward another due to their own personal experiences? Has anybody, not just women ever put a biased spin on an issue with their mate to their fam and friends, only to have them look at your partner sideways later? It is his, her's and their son all this extra mess thats coming out seems like it was more than parenting issues. Was you playing with the mans head for you own benefits and got turned off over the compromises you had to make? These are my questions, help me understand.
Wow about 2 hours later and my reply to AlwaysaLady aint posted? What kind of blog is this? I could understand if I was talking reckless. Damn Mel, lemme find out your confessional is questionable.
@ dr Flav
Did you miss the part when he grabbed her by her hair and shoved her head into the tv/book stand and busted her lip? Then immediatly after he throws his hands up and said "I didnt hit you!" So is it ok if a man shoves you into to things but "doesn't hit"? Your questions are valid. A healthy lifestyle is fine, forcing that lifestyle on someone else is not. No he did not force the tofu down her throat but he also did not allow any food other than what he approved in the house. Sure people put spins on relationship problems, but I have not gotten that impression in the telling of this story. As a woman in a long term relationship with children, I have learned that accepting my partners differences works so much better than trying to force him into what I think is "right". I have come to believe that there is very rarely right and wrong, that life is more about what works and doesnt work, and that varies from person to person. This relationship is very clearly not working. No one in a relationship should feel scared of their partner. Relationships and families are about love, support, and nurturing...not force, abuse, or anger. And as far as other races teaching their children ignorance, that is no reason to do the same thing. Repition of the same hate and ignorance is what has our nation at its current racial divide. Change starts from within and it can start with one person. BARACK the VOTE!!!!
Dr. Flav,
I am not unfamiliar with your take on the events. BD feels the same way, and for a time, so did I. What allowed me to defend his actions even in the face of others pointing out the lunacy in it, was in part that he never hit me. I felt like until his fist connected with my face (which never happened by the way), I was not in an abusive relationship. I was miserable, unhappy, disrespected, belittled and berated, but I could not reconcile myself with the idea of being abused. I think most women who are in situations like this feel that way, tho. "It's not that bad," or, "I contribute to the problems, too."
Perhaps, but there are certain things that cannot be explained away with a mere "they had different expectations," or "there lifestyles were different." I was held against my will, I was shoved repeatedly, threatened with violence and my entire person was attacked in an attempt to indoctrinate me the same way he wants to brainwash our child. I was embroiled in a relationship with a man for whom emotional manipulation was the weapon of choice.
You bring up a recurring point however, with reference to my own responsibility in the situation I found myself in. And one that wasn't lost on the judge, the psychologist assigned to analyze us both for parental fitness and of course, BD's own family. At every turn I found myself having to defend my decison to stay. If it was sooo bad. If it was really as horrible as you say, what took you so long? Why didn't you just do this? Why didn't you just do that? All I can say to that is, with each decision, regardless as to how asinine in hindsight it was, that was what I thought to be best at the time. Go figure.
BD is a respected educator, holds two degrees with plans to work on a third and if you ever see him in the street, his countenance is impeccable. Thank God my lawyer had the wherewithall to look into his employment record. (More on that later). Because he was not always able to hold his temper in the classroom.
But I'm telling you, outside of that paperwork, a few threatening recordings and the impending testimony of Shay and Mike to my bloody lip that one day, I was hard pressed to get anyone outside of my very close circle, to see BD the way I did. He's quite impressive.
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Sidebar: It was not alllll about a parking space, to whoever said that ystrday. Indeed the added convenience certainly allowed the relationship to linger longer than it should have, and long after the two of us both knew it was going no where, but in the beginning, we also genuinely enjoyed each other's company and had a good time. There was no sign of the restrictiveness to come and the craziness didn't come out till later either.
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Back tyou Flav:
And it was, after all, my half cocked idea to make a family with this man. But the story is the same as it always is, right? He wasn't like that at first. :) And he wasn't. Are they ever?
Believe it or not, if anything, I've left things out for the succinctness and clarity of the story. I haven't felt the need to embellish yet, though I appreciate your comparison of my writing to a scene from a flick. Maybe I'll flip the book for film :) Really.
I think I just wrote my wrap up blog. Damn.
'Preciate the comments everybody, thx for coming back.!
@ Dr. Flav
Why are you absolving BD of any wrongdoing?
1. BD's put his hands on this woman more than one time. How do you justify that?
2. How is it justifiable to teach intolerance? Especially in a country where 3/4 of the population doesn't look like you?
3. How is it justifiable for him to be rude to her family and her boss? Her boss of all people.
4. How is it justifiable for him to say that her friends and family call too much when they're calling her cell phone?
5. What does it matter if he's a teacher? Since when did teacher = great with kids? There are teaches that prey on children and get away with it.
Man, my thought process is bombarded by you ladies ideals and opinions, but Im gonna start with Anonymiss, I generally just read Sohh blogs and I have seen some good opinions posted by her, but I digress... Both of their asses are dead wrong. 1. An aggressive punch or slap and generally a defensive punch or slap from man to woman and vice versa is wrong. Wrestling around with happens often with couples, though not right, can be expected, but accidents and incidents happen. "Fun and games til someone gets hurt." 2. If throughout my life, I consistently have the same unsatisfactory dealings with a group, likely I would teach my children bias, could be wrong, whatever I take care of my child. 3. Some people are the way they are, everyone not polite. (tbc)
4. He can SAY that, it might have been true, probably opinion, maybe he wanted more of her attention. 5 . You are exactly right, but I pray that is more exception instead of rule. Always, like you said you grew older and learned to accept differences of your mate and possibly weaknesses and shortcomings in your RELATIONSHIP, she has broke down the point of pregnancy to the time he moved as seemingly a roommate situation, no affection or joy, just "damn I gotta live with this nigga?" Reminded me of the those months I had to live with an ex till the lease was up. Im just trying to figure out what was she doing? Mel G. I know you reading so Im going to turn to you and ask, "Did you really sleep in the same bed over months together and not show love to each other, not share future dreams together?" If you did that, you bout as crazy as I am and I garrantee that dude went a litte more crazy as well. He had no domain over your body, so the only thing he could have righteous authority over was his...
his (and your) child. Can you really call what you were doing a "relationship?" Yeah I saw it from a theatrical perspective, but I attempted to contrast that Jack Nickolson bathroom ax scene from The Shining, "Heerres Baby Daddy!" LMAO! Keep it coming Melyssa! I'll be back its my birthday today, HOORAY PICSES, WOO WOO! Bout to go get scummy, I will holla back.
So everyone suppose to feel sorry that she has to be paranoid. I don't think so, I know I keep bringing this up but she played with fire and got burned. Her friend told her, he had mental problems and that he was trying to change her. But did she listen, no she was to busy thinking she can fuck both of those men who are friends with no consequences and nothing will come of it. She was even to dumb to use condoms now not only was she facing this man's mental problems she has her son in it too. BD is not the best and some of his choices but he could be worst. He could of been killed her. However I will say that in my life, if I think about making such a hoeish moved like you did. I think about everything that happen to you.
Dr Flav, NNL,
I'm a dude that has been through a lot in relationships, as i'm sure everyone else has. But the one thing that I learned above all else is that if you can't treat your partner, or be treated like a king or a queen; meaning, if you don't feel like the person you're with is worth you making sure they receive nothing but love and affection, then you don't need to be with that person. I was lucky enough to find someone who treats me like the the mo fo King of Zumunda and i treat her like she's the queen. Now maybe my situation is rare because we straight up and down love each other and hardly ever even have a disagreement, but that is the type of situation you're supposed to be looking for. There is without a doubt someone out there willing and waiting to treat you like you deserve to be treated and vice versa. My point is this; If you're not happy in the relationship for whatever reason, then it just aint meant to be. The only thing that can come of that is stuff like what's happening to this lady writing this story...
Maybe she was naive for thinking that she could make it work for the child, but that doesn't change the fact that things were going downhill fast... If for any reason you feel like you can't be who you are with whoever you're with, and have that person respect your opinions and beliefs, then you don't need to be with that person!!!